Why hello there :)

As you can see, I am in a mighty good mood atm.
Down another kg this morning, so even closer to getting to my goal tomorrow. If I just keep loosing until I go, I'll be happy.
Got the day off school today, to chill and clean the house.
Plan is:
Lay in bed reading for an hour after waking up, with some coke zero.
Write down my list of calories in foods I will be likely to come across in Australia, and write what I am and am not allowed.
Watch some tv and do some situps/static leg workouts.
Do housework, energetically vaccum and clean the floors.
Have my water, saving my coffee for tonight.
Cook a frozen dinner, but throw it down the waste disposal, to make it look like I ate, so that I can get out of eating until the plane tomorrow.
Do more situps, start packing my stuff, and have a good, relaxing day :D
Post later. I'm hungry, so going to go do my hair.

Ana love xxxxxxxxxx

Hello Bloggers :)

So, completed another 3 day fast, from sunday to tonight, not eating till about 7:30pm tonight, so yeer allgood.
Down another kg this morning - The Lord is so good to me :)
Last day of school before my holiday tomorrow, seeing if I can get the day off and just chill at home and sleep and do some sit ups and work on the cross trainer, and, most importantly, not eat :D
If I stay home, then I'm allowed to have some coke zero, and then a coffee (45calories)
But if I go to school, then only allowed a coke zero in the morning, and nothing else (apart from water) all day and night, until I land is Australia tomorrow.
I really don't know how my logic there works, I guess its just because it's harder for me to resist food at home then it is at school, so I'll allow myself a coffee so that I can just have liquid calories.
Hopefully, if I push hard enough, and spend enough time dancing and doing situps and crosstrainering, I will be 55kgs by Friday. But if not, I'll just have to limit myself in what I eat over the Easter break, limiting myself to salads for dinner, fruit salads if we go out for dinner, and krispykreme donuts (which, btw, are AMAZING!) and I can't escape, cause my family know that (before ana) i absolutly loved.
And then, I must do situps in my room everynight, and shop heaps, and just resist food and alochol as much as possible, and hopefully won't come home with much of a gain.
And on that note, I'm going to go see what the lowest calorie alcohol that i can pretend to like, and the amount of calories in krispy kreme donuts and caeser salads, to prepare for my trip.
Lots of ana love.
xxxxxxx

Mwahahahah

So, today went really well. Only had water until about 4pm today, and then brought myself a coke zero (like 1calorie) and had that. So, intact for the day, 1calorie. Cool. And am out of dinner tonight, told mum I went up to the shops with mates and got dinner up there. Not all of which, is entirley a lie, I did go up to the shops, I just didn't eat anything. My friends brought donuts and these chips, that are totally amazing, but I managed to talk my way out of eating them, and doesn't seem like a suspicion was raised at all.
So, all set to fast all of tomorrow too, 4pm water fasting, then allowed some juice or milk or something with a few calories to burn off, at netball. Then, try as hard as possible to get out of dinner tomorrow night, and then water fast all of wednesday, and have something small for dinner wednesday night. If this doesn't get me under, I don't know what will.
Right, off now. Post later. Love from ana xxxxxxx

Blogger.com, I AM BACK.

Right. Turns out, I was just running away. Like fucking always, I was running away. and it's time to stop. I can't keep running as soon as something gets a little bit tough, and so I am back.
Heres the post I made on my other 'new' website, that I am no longer going to use :L

The red bracelet is back on my wrist, showing that ana is back, and is back forever. Never ever leave my side Ana. With your help, I will be 55kgs by Friday. With Ana and the Lord by my side, I cannot fail. I need you Lord and Ana. I cannot live without you by my side, and I know that now. I was wrong to ever think that you would ever try and hurt me.
Lord, I do not need the things of this world, only you. I don't need the food, the drinks, the calories, as long as I have you by my side. You are all that I need in this world, you are all that I have ever needed. I don't need to eat. Weak girls eat, fat people eat. I hate being fat.
I was meant to be fasting today, but was (quite literally) force fed a muffin this morning. And will be forced to have dinner tonight, but thats alright. Because tomorrow, its a big fast.
Water fasting all morning, until 4pm, then meant to be going to a friends house, and going to the dairy and stuff, so will bring just enough money for me to buy a Coke Zero. Then, when I come home, will say that I have already eaten, and so will not be made to eat anything. Then, waterfasting all Tuesday, until 4pm again, and then allowed a coffee or a lol cal drink of some sort, before netball training. Then, try to get out of dinner on Tuesday night, by saying how its too late to eat after netball, and having a long shower and taking ages to get ready for bed, to make it even later. That would make it a 2day fast. Then, no eating all of Wednesday again, until dinner where I would have run out of excuses not to eat dinner (hahaha, shit happens, doesn't it?) And, if I excersize and limit myself on the calorie drinks, and the food I eat on wednesday, I should finally beat the plateau and be under 60kgs. Then, on Thursday, no food again, and seeing that it is the last day of school, probably go out and do something with friends after school, where I must not buy any food, or any high calorie drinks, and again, will say that I had dinner with my friends. Then, Friday we are leaving, and won't eat anything all day, and (fingers crossed) be 55kgs by the time that I leave for the airport.

And If I'm not, I don't know what i will do. I'm sick of being fat and I'm sick of all of the binging. So, if I'm not 55kgs by Friday, I know I will end up doing something dramatic. Whether that be binging like a motherfucker, or doing somethiing way more dramatic and not in the form of eating, if you get my drift, then so be it. And I can't let myself down this time. I can't and I won't. This time, I refuse. I refuse I refuse I refuse.
Until next time, ana love.
Starve on skinnyminny xxxxxxxxxx

New website:

http://members.webs.com/MembersB/editAppPage.jsp?app=blog&pageID=169469005#blog/ is my new blog/website. I need a new start, a new change. I need to clear my mind for a while, and I can't do that with all this shit going down on this website.
But this blog, may have been one of the best things i've ever done :) Be sure to check out my new website. Ana love.

Dearest Ana,

I am so sorry that I am such a fat, useless kid.
And I promise you, that I will be 55kgs by the time that I leave for holiday on Friday (6days time.) That involves loosing, and keeping off, 5kgs.
If I do not do this, I no longer care what happens to me.
If I do not do this, maybe I'll....I'll have to.
I don't want to go on being this fat. And Fridays the limit. If not by then, then it's never. Then, I'm gone. I'm out. I'm done. I promise.

Wow.

Haven't posted anything in ages. Whoops.
Not been great lately. Fucked both of my ankles to the max. I can't even walk, let alone work out. It's been like this for like two weeks. Rage.
And I am trying to be under 60kgs by Saturday. Infact, I will be. Or the shit will hit the fan.

I have a netball tournament on saturday, and I am the only player who can play, and i can barley walk. Fuck.
And, going food shopping for my history trip aswell. (trips on tuesday) and everyones going to catch on if i don't get shit loads of lollies and chocolates and shit food that will eat away at me until i die of obeasity.
So, planning to buy some food, but not eat it. To give it away and chuck it out and leave it all in my bag, until i get home where I can dispose of it completly. I don't care how much money it costs me to loose, i just don't care. I don't want any of that food to touch my lips. None of it.
I hate this. I hate this confusion and I hate being fat. Why can't I just be thin. Babes, you will be. Ana will never let you down, Ana will never hurt you like food does. And, if you can't trust that, you know with all of your heart, that the Lord will never, ever let you down. With all of your heart, trust that. Trust Him. Show him your love, and He will never let you fall. The Lord is what I need. With him by my side, I can't fail.
I know this. I know I can trust the Lord and I know that I can trust Ana. But who I can't trust, is me. I'm the one shoving the food down my throat, I'm the one constantly hurting myself, both phisically and emotionally. And I don't know if I can trust myself to get it right after all these years of getting it wrong. I simply just, don't know.

Time to live life like you always imagined.

Fear less, hope more;
Eat less, chew more;
Whine less, breathe more;
Talk less, say more.
Doubt less, Pray more.
Have a good night all.

Decpite what I said in my last post, I really did have a good night. I have the most amazing friends, and I want them to be happy, and I want to not hold them back in anyway. I love them both, and I don't want to mess any of our friendships up by being selfish.

I am on the verge of breaking the 60kg barrior. Planning not to eat until dinner tomorrow night, but I'm meant to go driving, so may have a moccachino or an up and go before, so I don't loose concentration and crash :L not cool man.

I'm sorry for the rant in my last post. It wasn't even about my friends, it was about all of the shit I've been through in my life. Thats not a lie, among other things, I have trust issues, depression, a relicence on recreational drugs, and a childhood that haunts me to this day. But, like ive said before, the funny thing about life is that it goes on.
Yes, those things still effect me. And yes, I am only just starting to grow up and realise the extent of everything I've been through. And yes, I know that it won't get any better with me sitting on my fat ass and complaining. I have to do something about it- tell someone and get it off my chest. & I know I'm not quite ready for that yet. But when that day comes, it will change my life forever.
Lots of love, anaT xooxox

I guess I should be happy.

But somehow, I'm just now.
It could be the depression coming over me again. Fuck depression.
I should be happy, because I haven't had anything to eat since 7:30am thursay, (it is now 9:47pm Saturday) and for thursday and friday, i only had water, today, I had water and a moccachino (80calories.) And so tomorrow, at 7:30am, i will have done another 3 day fast, one that I didn't even plan on doing. I was to depressed to eat, so I made up every lie in the book + more so that I could't. I even went to the movies tonight with 2 of my goodfriends. They both brought takeaways for the movies, and offered me some, but i didn't have anything. Not even one liquid calorie passed my lips since like, 11am. Yet, somehow, I'm still not even happy.
Maybe it has something to do with the fact that I was dropped home from the movies first, and now I don't know what my 2 friends (1 girl 1 guy) are doing. For all I know they could be cruising around having fun without me. Its so obvious that shes crazy about him. And I think he kindof feels the same way. Little do either of them know, I like him too. Thats why I think I'm so upset. I feel like such a bitch for liking the same guy as my best friend, but I can't help it.
Ana has f*cked up my brain soo much. I no longer feel happy. I no longer feel complete. Im constantly tired and depressed, from the lack of calories ive consumed, but if I eat i will hate myself even more.
And my weight has even stopped going down, despite a comment i got tonight "you've lost so much weight" normally that would cheer me up radically, but no. Im so fucking useless, and Ive been stuck at 60kgs for about a week now. I have no right to call myself ana. Ana doesn't want me- ana doesn't need me. I hate this and I hate my life sometimes. Truley.
If youd known all the shit that Ive been through in my life, maybe you'd understand why I need ana. But thats just the thing. No one knows, no one understand, and no one cares. No one knows how long ive been depressed for. No one even knows about my antidepressents, my self harm, my f*cked up child hood. Let alone, nobody knows about ana. And sometimes it seems like noone even cares, Everyones stuck up in the teenage dramas. But this is so much more then that. It always has been, and it probably always will be. And I hate it. I push away the people I care about the most, simply because Im so afraid that they'll hurt me. Thats why I binge eat so much. Because Its pushing away ana. But, if I keep pushing everybody away, there will be a time when noone will come back. And I know that, I just don't know how to stop it.

Maybe one day, I'll have the courage to tell people whats been going on.
Maybe one day, they'll understand.
Maybe one day, I'll understand.
Maybe one day, it will all be ok.
But not today, not tonight.
Nothing is ok, nothing is right.
Will somebody take my hand, and stand by my side?
Before I slip away... forever...

Please Lord. Please help me. I need you now, so, so much.
Please help me stay in control of the one thing causing me all this pain - ana.
Please help me loose weight, in order to keep ana happy. In order to keep me happy.
Please. I need your help Lord, I can't do this alone.
I always need you Lord. I always did.
Please never forget that. I love you so much Lord.
You are what matters in life. I've been blinded for so long, by all the small things. But Your what i need. You and ana. I need You. I love You.

In some ways, I think ana has actually made me a better person.

Ana has truley taught me a lot of things. Thiings that will make life easier, and living with this disease easier.

Like, the funny thing about life, is that, it moves on. It always does, it always will. If you have a bad day, eat to much, or don't burn enough, yeah, it sucks and you should have controlled yourself better, but theres always tomorrow to prove your love and dedication to Ana.
With Ana and the Lord by your side, you can never go wrong. And thats the most comforting thought of them all.

I spend all of yesterday afternoon working out on the xtrainer, only to burn 620 calories, and do 250 situps. And injure my ankle. The thing is, thats going to have to do for now, because I don't have the time to work 1000calories everyday. But, I'm not going to give up, When I get my ass into gear, I'll get up at 6:15, burn 250/300 calories, then I can burn heaps more when I get home.
I also ate quite abit this morning, and so since tomorrow is Friday, decided to extend my Religious fast, so from 7:30am today, until at least 7:30am Saturday (but I know it will extend past then on Saturday, so will really be longer then 48hrs) I am religious fasting. For the Lord, and to get under 60kgs. Water fasting today and Friday, then liquid fasting for as long on Saturday as possible. Since I am going to the movies on Saturday, I am going to try and refrain from eating anything, and just have a coke(zero?) or something. And if that works, when I come home it'll be way after dinner, so will be able to go another day, and all of Sunday without actually eating anything. That, combined with the crosstrainer, I should be well under 60kgs on
Post later xoxoxo