Goddamnit, I'm going to do all I can to get you to notice me again, and if not, get someone else too. I'm sick of sleeping alone. I always get what I want, and I'm determined to make this no different.

Hah, guess I didn't fuck up that much last night after all.

Aside from getting insanely annoyed at an immature drunk girl who blamed "only eating lunch today" for getting so drunk off two RTD's, when I hadn't eaten in two days and was fine all night, and you ignoring me completely, last night was a good night. Our carol stirred up a lot of shit and I got people coming up to me all night saying how "cute" we are and how they "knew we'd get together." Oops. I even (I have no idea why) had the audacity to send you a text apologising for it, to which I get an "algood." Bastard. And you'd rather run around naked with a bunch of boys then sit down and talk to me and try to figure shit out. For some reason, I really actually believed that we could sort it out last night and be friends. I guess it doesn't help that I had a dream that we burried the hatches and decided to start over again. Whatever. I'll have you know that last night I went for a walk and a cigarette, ended up meeting a cute guy and making out with him all night. And whilst we were sitting outside the hostel, the girl you like rolled in from another boys flat, and at that moment I didn't actually hate her because I was too busy being stoked that you were sleeping alone tonight whilst we were both out with other boys. Sorry man. You know, I've had a few one night things in my time, and the only time it hurt to say goodbye was with you. Foodwise, last night was crap and I'm eating again today (b/c hopefully will get someone to drink with me ugh). Ended up eating: corn beef w/ salad vegetables, brocolli and turkey oreo cheesecake. I think I purged some of it but I don't really remember. Funnily enough, also, O last night, the person I drunkingly confided about my ed to, asked me if I'd eaten today. I was like, uh, hello, were you at the same feast dinner as me, or..? Idiot. And now she wants nothing to do with me, like, ever, because of my ed, because I got out of hand last weekend. Comparatively, I was on good behaviour last night (ok, besides hooking up with a random), and still, no matter what I do I'll never be able to get things back to the way she saw me before. That fucking sucks and I think it's pretty damned selfish on her behalf. The only reason I told her was because I purged blood again that night, and because I was so drunk it freaked me out even more, and I didn't know what to do, so I asked for help. Whatever, if you're going to be like that, man, see if I care. It's not my fault. So yeah, time to do some study in the library, grab some food, go back home, eat, study and start my fast. I don't know what I'm doing tonight but for some reason I'm in a very confrontational mood right now, which is very unlike me. All I want to do is talk to you and ask you straight out why you're being such an asshole to me. Who knows, maybe I'll find out tonight, maybe not. Annoyingly, a part of me still likes you and wants to be with you. If I could, I would kill that part in the most brutal way humanly possible, because I didn't think it was possible, but somehow you managed to break my heart. So congradufuckinglations, I hope you're happy with yourself.

300 liquid calories later, I'm ready and rearing for mid winter Christmas. Our song is amazing and it's surely going to fuck M off which makes things even better at this point. I don't even know, nodoz and caffeine always makes me very hyper, but I'm ready for a good night and I don't know if I'll keep to my sober-ish promise because I've been playing beer pong for the last hour and there's an open bar and stuff, but who knows. Maybe one day I'll learn how to behave, my bets are just that this day isn't today. Whoops. Forgive me in advance and prepare yourself for a post in the morning of how badly I fucked something up/someone over tonight. Keep ya eyes peeled. Hope everyone has a good day/night. All my love.

A loss is a loss, right?

Got super depressed when I weighed myself this morning... after 526 liquid calories and purging 190 of them in the shower, I was only down 0.1kg. 100 motherfucking grams. Crazy. I was super upset but whatever. I made it through two days and I haven’t eaten yet today. I’m in the library again and will be at uni until 4pm, then I have feast dinner and whatever. I might eat on Friday as well, then start a new fast until Monday/Tuesday, but I’m not sure yet. I can’t restrict for my life. I don’t even know. 64.9kg. So bittersweet. Annoying because all of my hard work in the last two days didn’t pay off, yet somewhat relieving because it (albeit stupidly) seems like a big step down from 65. I don’t know, whatever. Hopefully I don’t get too drunk tonight because that will prove to be detrimental and will ruin everything. I’ve always thought I could handle my alcohol well, even when I’ve been fasting, but the last two weeks have proved me wrong there. Fuck. Only one way to find out, right? Until next time, :’)

Back into the comfort of the library.

Had my house meeting, and as a part of mid winter Christmas tomorrow, we have to take a song and modify it into a Christmas carol to our liking. Our house starts of ripping out ourselves, just because. So we were trying to find lines to fit everybody, and some cheeky shit asked about me and M, and said that he's always in my room, and then I got so much shit about what's going on between us. My line in the song now is "M is in C's room, boom boom boom boooooom." At first I was mortified because he is going to kill me. Then I realised that we're not on speaking terms anymore, and it's just fucking funny because no one in my house knows that we hooked up, and their all just assuming but it's great to see that they know me so well. He's absolutely going to hate me after this and not see the funny side of it, and I just realized that I don't even care. It also, of course, helps that it's totally going to fuck him off because of this new girl he's into. I'm so nervous and I'm not going to be able to sing it with a straight face, but I don't even care. I promised myself that I'd be good tomorrow night, but now I'm not so sure. Now I kind of want to get wasted and fuck shit up just to see the look on his face and say a final goodbye. Who knows where the nights going to go tomorrow. the only thing that I for certain is that I'm not going to end up in his bed again in the morning, and for once, I'm completely okay with that.

Bitch you can have my sloppy seconds. I don't want him back anymore. I don't deserve him back anyways.

So fucking knackered.

Haven't slept or eaten yet today. I have so far had my chocolate milk (208), soup (45) and another soup (78)and will probably have another 45 calorie soup if I ever make it to the library and back. I have a house meeting tonight before dinner, and I have been told that "the meeting is compulsary and so is dinner." It's steak and cheese pie tonight. Here, that is the epitome of good meals. I don't want to go. I should be in the library now. Ideally, I would. Uhhh. Had to go to the supermarket to buy presents for mid winter Christmas tomorrow night. I ended up buying some lower calorie versions of the chocolate milk (150 as opposed to 208) and some chewing gum. I was so close to buying food. And I'm still not entirely sure that I'm not going to eat tonight. That's why I need to get to the library right now. Then I can come home, shower, sleep, bed. It's almost been 36 hours since my last meal. And I don't care. I feel empty but not in a good way. I thought that this fast, with me finding an exit clause after the weeks antics, would make me happy. But I'm more depressed then ever, and I don't know what to do. Just fuck everything, you know?

HAHA HA HA HAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHA HAHA Ha. PLEASE tell me that this is going to work out. PLEASE tell me that this fucked with your relationship/plans with her without me even trying. I'm going to be so depressed if this doesn't work out but if it does.. fucking wow I can't even.. I'd explain, but I don't want to jinx it. I want to see if this'll work out for me by itself, without my manipulation.

Ugh.

Woke up at 5am this morning to a friend texting me in tears about the boy she likes not liking her back. Preaching to the choir. Couldn't get back to sleep after that, and once I put the thought of weighing myself into my head last night, I couldn't get it out. So I weighed myself and... 65.0kg of pure and utter fat. Ew. By now it was close to 6am, so I went for a walk and a cigarette which turned into a little run. I use the words "little" and "run" lightly because I am not a runner. Hell, I'm not a mover. I decided to switch around my intake for today, opting for my 208calorie chocolate milk to wake me up now, rather than as a reward later. Also had a black coffee, and oop, was in the library again by 8:30am. Planning to miss some of my lectures that aren't important and hibernate in the library until 2pm when I have a lecture that I should really go too, then I have to walk down to the mall to pick up a secret Santa present for mid winter Christmas tomorrow night. With any luck, I won't buy any food because I'm broke as fuck at this point, but I guess we'll see how that goes. Then a little rest and clean my room, then I plan on coming back to the library at around 5pm, staying untl 8pm, going home, fucking around, sleeping, and getting ready to do it all again tomorrow. Ugh cannot believe I let myself gain this much, and with exams coming up in two weeks time, and me going "home" in three weeks, I know I'll have to eat. Planning on buying a box of cereal and some salads or something to get me through exams alright, but I guess I'll have to wait and see how that turns out. Alls I know is that if I gain anymore than this, I'm fucked, and after a days worth of fasting, my stomach is kinda growling about it. Good thing I brought some appetite suppressents with me to try and combat that. At 180cm, 65kg puts me at a "healthy" BMI of 19. "Healthy." "Normal." It's not healthy to be this fat. I'd die to be thin. I will die to be thin

Fml.

Can I just have a moments silence for reading through my blog and being on the verge of tears at realizing how thin I was, but also that I was happy. The lowest weight I read that I was was 55kg, but I'm pretty sure I got a bit lower. Since "recovery" I've been on the verge of 70kg on my worst days, and 61kg on my best. Triggered triggered triggered. I have to lose all of this weight again. I can't stand being bigger than I was before. I will be thin.

Wow. It's been a long time, but for some reason I always keep coming back to this blog. For better or for worse. Everything has kind of fucked up lately and it's all my fault. After a few days not eating, I went drinking and ended up fainting/comaing/passing out and everyone knew it was because I hadn't been eating right. That was on Thursday, then on Saturday night I went drinking again, still having not eaten. My friend made me eat a little pastry thing and I immediately went and purged it, purging blood. Then I freaked out, got more drunk and ended up confessing my eating issues to her and God knows who else. She said she'd start taking me to dinners, and the next night, true to her word, she did. I barely ate dinner (neither did she, the food was nasty) and immediately purged what I did eat. She freaked out, and I think she got quite mad at me for putting her through what I did. However, she could not be madder at me than I was, I was so furious for drunkingly spilling everything. Not just because it blew my secret, but mostly because it was not fair of me to put all of that on her like I did. I've since apologised and I hope we're ok. Then my best friend found my tumblr again and things kind of fucked up there. I really hope I was able to mend that properly because she means the most to me in the entire world. I have since deleted my tumblr. The guy that I claimed to like a few posts ago and I ended up having sex, the day he broke up with his girlfriend, and two days after having drunkenly kissed for the first time. Now we don't really talk anymore, in the sense that neither of us go out of our way to talk to one another, and now he likes someone else. And I'm getting to be okay with that, I really am. I'm trying to focus on me for a while. So far today I've had 353 calories in the form of two instant soups (45 each) a chocolate milk drink (208) and a coffee (55). I was going to go down to the canteen and buy some noodles just for the sake of eating, but I think I'm just going to sleep instead. It's been a long day. I told myself I'd fast until Thursday night (60 hours) and so far I've almost made it through 24. But I don't know what tomorrow will hold, because after the events of the weekend, if someone makes me go to dinner, its probably best if I do. Otherwise, I plan to break the fast on mid winter Christmas feast dinner on Thursday. There is also an open bar, and each table is given three bottles of wine. Every time I get drunk lately, I fuck everything up, and its a huge wonder if/how I even have friends. I've put everyone through so much shit these past few weeks. If controling myself around food is hard, alcohol is even harder. But, for the sake of my friendships, I'm going to try and know when enough is enough. Also, if that's the first time I've eaten in 60 hours, my stomach won't be able to hold a lot of food, let alone alcohol. I don't know I have no idea what I weigh right now. I brought my scale down here when I went "home" for the holidays, and it didn't survive the flight fantastically, so I don't know. Maybe I have to try n a flat and hard surface, but that leaves only the shower or bathroom, which would mean me having to weigh myself really early in the morning. Which would mean me having to get up really early in the morning. Maybe I should try that tomorrow. Leaves a good reason for me to go to sleep now, I guess. I don't know if I'm back to this blog for good. I miss tumblr so much already, but it's such a distraction to me, and I have exams coming up soon. Tomorrow, all going well, I plan to mimic my day today, and go to the library to study rather than going to dinner. But who knows. At this point, there are so many other factors that could get in the way, that I just can't control anymore. So, goodbye for now, I guess.