ROFL

Just checked my BMI, came up with a message saying that my BMI is under 20, and I should see a GP, becasue I am underweight.
Bahahahahaha. Wtf would you know? :L

"Calories won't make you happy"

And don't I know it.

After quite a bad weekend, I still find myself on the dot of 60kgs. Hoping to break that this week.

Got the cross trainer yesterday, my parents are afraid I'm wearing it out already. If only they knew my plans..

So I haven't consumed any calories in the last 27hours, was planning to treat myself a bottle of apple juice for school, 100mL (45calories) and the rest diluted with water, if I got up at 6:30am to work out today.

Well, I tried the juice, YUCK. Too watered down even for my taste. And I didn't want to have a whole bottle of juice, so i just stuck with water. Like I have in the last 27hours.



So, I got up at 6:30am this morning, starting my new routine. Worked 20mins, 80calories. Then it was about time for me to get ready for school. But 80calories? (at this point i thought i was going to have my juice as a reward, and wanted a bigger deficet to start the day) so i worked another 5minutes and burned 20calories to make it an even hundred.

Took a chocolate egg to school today, so that I could give it away, and not have to eat it at home. Successful.

So was armed for the day with my ham and salad sandwhich and bottle of water.

By the first period of the day, my stomach was rumbling. You have no idea how tempted I was to eat my sandwhich. But I promised the Lord last night, that this fast would be for him, because my fri/sat fast was terrible. With that in mind, I gave my sandwhich away, without so much of a second glance from anybody.



Was planning to spend the afternoon on the cross trainer, but had a mountain of homework to do before wednesday, and considering I have netball tomorrow, I'm not going to have the time then. So, I spent time doing my homework, taking a short break to burn 20calories, another break to burn 30calories.

Total intake for the day so far: 0
Total burned for the day so far: 150
Deficte so far: 150calories. Cool.

Spent more time doing my homework, and waiting for a guy to come and fix the wall (who was an hour late. Honestly, terrible service. Especially when i was dieing for a workout)
But when he left, I went back onto the xtrainer, and burned 150 more calories, and did 100 situps.

So, in the last 27hours:
Intake: 0
Burned: 300calories
Deficet: 300calories.

Going to have dinner soon, roast chicken, rice and salad. Shouldn't make to much of a difference, so hopefully I wake up lighter tomorrow. Which I would LOVE, considering how terrible I look and feel right now.

Tomorrow: can wake up at normal time. No calories thoroughout the day, only water, until the afternoon. Burn at least 100 calories on crosstrainer, then can have either a yougurt, weetbix or up&go. All I know how many calories they are, (but not off the top of my head) so will burn the excess once i decide what to eat. And then a coffee or 100mLs of milk/juice if i need it, and off to netball, where I have to run hard to try and burn more. Come home, have 1piece of baked beans on toast, then bed.
Thats the plan.

Please Lord. Please help me loose this weight. I feel so ugly and fat, and I need to be thin. I need to be less so I can make You more. Please help me do this. All I have to be, is 50kgs. Thats all. Not dead, not bony. Please Lord. I love you.
xoxoox

Legends are made this way

Idea wise, this weekend has been a success.
Eating wise, not so much,

But, that is completly ok, because we brought a cross trainer today. And we are picking it up tomorrow, so is perfect for the beggining of the week.
Going to go on it everyday, twice a day at least two days a week, and burn at least 1000calories. If i need, I can have some weetbix, 45g worth, so that I don't die of loss of nutrition :L
Also, one of my friends wants me to go on this gym membership trial with her, 21 days for $21. I'm keen, the more excersize, the better. And, my other friend, 'C' wants me to go kickboxing with her once a week. I don't know if thats just all talk, cause she wants people to tell her she doesn't need to loose weight, but whatever, I have a way with twisting people around my little finger ;)

I'm so excited, and in that excitment, I ate quite alot today, after my 42hour Religious fast ended at 2pm today. But whatever, Ive been doing odd bits of excersize today, and with the cross trainer, I can just keep going until I can physically not work anymore. So whatever. Going to keep the calories low tomorrow, maybe do a 20 minute program on the new cross trainer in the early evening (Dad only wants me to go on for 20mins, 4 days a week. If only he knew about the marathon workouts I have planned for myself.. (; hahahah) and then probably another 20mintues on Monday morning, if it is unoccupied. If i do well enough on that, then instead of just water all day, I will allow myself dilute apple juice for school, to prep me for my first 1000 calorie workout on monday afternoon. Its going to take me awhile, and be harder with school work and study and everything. Just means I'm going to have to learn to arrange my time better - straight home from school and on to the crosstrainer, burn 1000 calories, then have cold shower, and do homework/study. Then, help cook dinner, eat dinner, do the dishes, blog, sleep, do it all again :)

Im so excited. For once in my life, Im thinking - stuff the weekend, bring on the week. I can't wait.

Wish me luck, I'll post how it goes.
Off to go clean my room. Yay.
Ana love xoxoxo

To make sense of last nights mess:

Yes, last night I was a bit of an emotional wreck..
After allowing myself dinner, instead of the opportunity for a 48hour fast, I did not stop eating. And then came the crying, and the cutting. And the drama. And the situps ;)
But, I'm fine now, and I have a new plan.

I am no longer eating during the day. Ever. Unless I absolutly have to, i.e, out with friends/family, going to netball etc.
But, before netball, I can have something (obviously) as long as I know how many calories are in it. I can have my weetbix, up and go's, yougurts etc. But only if i have to.
Then, religious fasting every Friday, for the day and night at least, longer if possible. Religious fasting is when I do not eat, i can either have liquids only, or water only, and I pray. A lot. They are designed to bring me closer to God, and for me to pray when I'm truley feeling weak.
And no more smoking cigerettes. It's not cute, especially for me to start so young.

So, I have had nothing but water, and 2 sips of lift today, going to have dinner in about an hour, and then nothing. And I'm excited for this, because I know that I can do this. I am going to be so skinny for the history trip. And for life. Im ready for this. And I'm excited. I know that I can do this. I think that the tears and the breakdowns are behind me, and I'm starting this with a positive attitude.
And hopefully, getting a cross trainer on Saturday. Well, looking at hiring one anyway, which is a start.

I know I was a mess last night, but I meant everything that I said. I think it sucks how some people just don't care, whilst I, and many others, are not able to eat anything without regreting it. But, I'm ok with that now. God has given me a chance for eternal happiness, and for what I have always wanted. And I'm not going to let that slip.
I will die to be thin. Wait, no. To die would defeat the puropse. I will be skinny, and I will be happy. LOVESIT ;)

what i hate:

I hate food, first of all.
I hate how ana controls my life, and how I can't eat anything without hating myself. I hate that I feel like im rebeling, or breaking free from ana, when i eat. But, i only ever end up hurting myself. Im feeling like that now "oh, you were good today, why don't you treat yourself to some food"
I hate that I can never just eat a little. its either all or nothing. I hate how I cant just be normal. I cant just be happy with the way that I look. I starve, i cut, i take drugs, anything, to try and change who I am. I hate all the tears, and all of the pain that i feel, because i feel so huge, like, all of the time. I hate that every time something starts to go right, i start loosing weight, I do something to muck it all up. I hate the lies, the tears and the pain. And i'm stopping it. Right now.

I have to think this, and plan this out, but ive got a plan. Post it later

Wohoo.

Finally, stuck to my restrictions today. Haven't had anything today, had cold water for breakfast, having my bottle of ice water now. Going to have my 152calorie weetbix at 5pm, then netball training tonight at 6:30pm. Going to split my weetbix up over half an hour though, and I should be ready and reering for my first training tonight :D

And even after my binges yesterday, I was only about 60.75kgs.
And I can see my ribs when I stretch.
:D:D:D

And my history trip that my 20day fast was originally for, is next month, 23rd of march. And so I should be good and skinny by then, to make "I" jealous :) Things are going good right now. And, because I stuck to todays diet plan, I know I can do it tomorrow and thursday, before my religious fast on Friday, which Im trying to do every Friday now, a fast for the Lord, to show Him how much I love Him and need Him, and thank him for everything He does for me.
You know what they say, "Man Does Not Live By Bread Alone" - Luke 4:4

Might blog later, otherwise, have a good night :)xoxoo

I can't believe this.

I fainted this morning. Yup, even after a little dinner last night. I fainted. All I remember was getting up to go to the bathroom this morning, and then I just blacked out, and all i remember is smashing my head on the wall, and falling onto the floor. Then I woke up with my mum above me, freaking out.
She gave me a lecture about eating, and how she doesn't want to see me skelatal.
And I don't want to hurt her. But I'll die to be thin.
So I ate normal today, but did heaps of running up the hill in my backyard. Just had 2 and a bit servings of fried rice, to make it look like i was eating. And i know, even though i didn't binge, Im going to put on weight tomorrow, from eating normally for one day.

But, tomorrow, back to the plan. I don't care if i faint a million times. I will die to be thin.
So, just my bottle of cold water in the morning, and nothing throughout the day, and 45g of weetbix when I get home from school. Thats it. Nothing else, except water, no exception. Im not going to put on more weight. You should have seen me when I came home from school today, and for the first time all year, I ate. I despised myself, until I did enough excersize to work most of it off. I don't want to hate myself. I just want to not eat, and excersize my fat ass off, and get thin.

I think we are going looking at cross trainers on saturday. Im honestly pushing it for all its worth. I need it. I need marathon workouts. Im already anticipating the high. And then I can eat more normally around mum, because I can work it all off and more.
Deficet in calories every day. Waking up every morning, with a loss.
I need this.
Please Lord xoxo

On the last day of the fast, I think im plateued :/

I think im stuck at 60.5kgs, haven't consumed more then 100 calories today, and burnt waaay more then that, but it hasnt shown on the scale :/
Well, will see what tomorrow brings i suppose. Don't get me wrong, I'm absolutly stocked to be 60.5kgs. I haven't weighed this little since I was probably about 10, no kidding.
I had the chance to miss dinner tonight and go for a swim with a mate, which would mean that I could extent this 3 day fast into a 4 day fast, but i didn't want to risk it, getting caught at this point, just when things are going good, would be sooo annoying. And besides, I don't want to faint at school tomorrow, from lack of calories :/
So having dinner tonight, which is a watermelon and feta salad, with chicken and rice, no garlic bread to defeat me, nothing. So will have a bit of that, will probably be forced into a marshmellow chocolate egg for desert, and then coompolsive figits, then off to bed. Mum and dad are stocked at my sisters room, and so if I go into work with them on saturday, I should get me a cross trainer :)

Well, thats the plan anyways :/ don't know if its totally going to work that way though raaage.

Mum brought me some weetbix fruity, which is 152calories per 45g serving. I thought that that was really good, until I realised how little 45g's is. Ohwell, will make a good snack for me, and also got some 190something calorie liquid drink things, kindof like up and go's, which I'm going to have every other day, and just water on the other days. Then, the weetbix is an afternoon treat, for especially after a marathon workout on the cross trainer, to put food back into my messed up metabolism. Or, they are for before netball training, so that i don't binge, and i don't over tire my body.

So, tomorrow the plan is 167calorie drink for breakfast, then nothing for lunch or afternoontea, then dinner.
Then tuesday, water in the morning for breakfast, then nothing all day, and 45g of weetbix afterschool, then dinner.
My plan is to alternate between that for the next week, and see what goes down in the weekend. Going to set up for a religious fast on Friday-Saturday, possibly Sunday if my weekend social life allows.
So restricting all week, fasting Friday & Saturday :)

Oh, and I have offically (well in 10 minutes time) gone three full days without eating. And, Im not even hungry. I can tell that my body is giving up a little, and my stomach is shrinking. I almost fainted just about every time that I stood up all day today.

But, other then that, all is good. And life is sweet as.

Praying for a loss on the scale tomorrow morning, after my 3day fast. Praying to be under 60kgs. Please Lord, make me less so I can make You more. I love you.

wish me luck for the week. xoxoox

day 20 :)

wohoo, made it to the end of the 20day fast.
Acomplished so much on this fast. Got so much confidence, lost 10kgs in 20days. Haven't eaten in 3 days, not eating until at least 7:30 tonight. I could go on so much longer, for at least a week I reckon, but the thing is, I don't want to risk it, Mums already onto the fact that I'm not eating.
But I had half a woodstock this morning as a reward, (was going to have the whole thing, but after 2days of nothing, it made my stomach feel funny. That and, it was only 8:30am, hahahah) and since then, I've only had water, and cleaned the house, annd my room. Its amazing the things you get done when you don't spend all your time preparing food :D i haven't gone three days without food since returning to ana, and i love it.
I don't even feel hungry, thats how i know i could keep doing this.
And, since ive cleaned my sisters room, and emptied everything, then my dad has to keep his his side of the bargian, and go look into getting a cross trainer next weekend, which means marathon workouts virtually every day.

And apart from getting so dizzy and nearly blacking out every time I stand up, things are going really good. i still feel really bad for ditching my friends for drinks last night, and lieing to everyone about what ive been doing this weekend, and what ive eaten. i hate lieing. And i know for a fact that when mum gets home she'll ask what ive eaten, and i have to lie.
Well, i think i am going to go cook some food, and throw it out, then leave the dishes, so that it makes it look like ive eaten. And im not going to eat it, theres no fucking way. and if i do, even just a taste? then i can just fuckoff and die of obesity. I need to be able to control myself, but i know i can.

Talk lateeeer, xoxoox

Decision made

So I decided to stay at home by myself tonight :/ I feel really bad about ditching my friends for the drinks tonight, but i was just about to have a shower, and caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror, and ana just took over. I can't go. So now I'm staying home all night and all tomorrow, no food. Todays ive had my water, 80calorie moccacino (excuse my spelling haha) 100mL of lmp, 44calories and water, and going to have a vanilla latte, 80calories. so going to finish the day with 204calories consumed. And ive burnt more then that today (ihope) hahahha so i should wake up with a loss in the morning, which will hopefully bring me under 60kgs, for the last day of the fast :D not eating till 7:30pm tomorrow night, i dont care what anyone says, im going to get thin.

Thinners the winner ;)

Have that nice, empty feeling going on right now. Loves it.

peacebitches xoxoxo

Fuckit, people are on to me.

This is day 19, second to last day of the fast, and i was planning to 3day fast it, to finish under 60kgs tomorrow.
so, i didn't eat yesterday, was planning not to eat today, or tomorrow until 7:30pm.
My mum left to go see my poppa today. Last thing she said before she left? Make sure you eat.
:/

Was going to have some friends over tonight and have drinks, but wasn't keen for all the calories that drinking brings. And now, my friend is talking about bringing over all this food. I was planing to tell everyone to eat before they came, but shes fucking on to that.
I have to choices, I either eat, and drink tonight, and just deal with the calories that I consume, and not reach my goal by tomorrow, or i can lie and say that they can't come over, not eat and spend the night alone, but loose weight by not eating or consuming many calories.
I hate this disease, it makes me so antifucking social sometimes, cause im so paranoid about not loosing any weight. Fuck.. i hate this.

And i think that i'm going to have to lie about this, and say that i had to go away for the weekend. Fuck this disease. Screwitscrewitscrewit. This makes me so alone and anti social.
Well, i have to get off of my ass and go do something. Blog later with my decision of what to dooo :/ xoxoox

Why do you tell me you care if your not going to stay?

Grr. Still mad at the whole "I" situation. Hes just ignoring me now, and blatently flirting with everyone else when I'm around. Not that I care anymore. Truly. The only 2 that i need in my life is the Lord and ana.

Omg, my friend "c" is the biggest wanna be anorexic I have ever met in my life.
Shes probably caught on to the fact that I don't eat at school, but when i see her out of school, I always come up with excuses why.
And now shes going on a 'diet,' and she was telling me all these exclusive things shes doing to make herself skinny, like no bread, only those crusket crackers. Then, I see her eating 5 cookies and a packet of chips every day this week. She just wanted everyone to think she was on a diet, so they could tell her how skinny she already is. Its so pathetic, like, she makes a big deal about trying to give her food away to somebody, and she'll make a huge scene around everybody. Its sooo annoying, truly.

Made a deal with my dad last night, if i clean out my sisters room (she left yesterday, for uni) then not this saturday, but next, he will go down and look at hire a crosstrainer. Im so keen, marathon workouts afterschool everyday, and on saturdays before im allowed to go out.
And, her rooms a bombsite, so that burns calories too.

Had a bad day today though, which is a shame, cause its almost the end of my 20day fast. I was so depressed, (no shock) and barley talked to anyone all day.
But isn't it funny, that theres always those few people who can cheer you up, when noone else can? It was the new people I sit with in maths class, they just cheered me up so much, so for a period, i was happy. But then, came home, and ate alot. 2pieces of toast, one with cheese and chicken, the other with a bit of cheese, and 2 bowls of vanilla icecream, and some frozen grapes. and a cookie i think, unless i spat that out before the binch got too bad :/
Don't think im going to reach under 60kgs by sunday :/ fml
TO DO:
Clean out sisters room, really well.
Freeze some more grapes.
Throw out all ice creams and junk foods in the house.
Get more of my a'dpills
Get under 60kgs.
By a pair of electronic scales.
Start getting happy.

God and ana, my loves <3

Day um.. 15? continued :D

Better mood now, sorry about all that :/
I swear alot, don't I? Especaially for someone as religious as myself. Goal* cut down on the swearing doll. *bigger goal *make it to 50kgs. Not dead, just skinny :)

Aaargh, my bodys beginning to fail on me lately. My fingernails are going blue, my metabolism is absolutly dead, i literally cant eat anything without it churning in my stomach for hours afterwards. And im constantly shivering, even when im not drinking my ice cold water ;)
its the middle of bloddy summer, its so hot and humid, and im shivering? people must think im off my nut. well, i probably am, aren't i?

ugh, was meant to be going out for dinner tonight, but everyones decided their too tired. I havent eating in 23+hrs now, and was going to have a salad or something, and lots of ice cold water, at the resteraunt tonight, but no.
They decided to order pizza instead. Oh crap. And i persisted that I didn't want anything, but dad ordered me a chicken pizza and some chicken pasta. THEFUCK? like i need that. well, im going to do the fake sick act again, and, at the MOST, have one piece, and maybe a frozen dinner (373ish calories) EWEWEWEW. I hate food.

Weak girls eat, fat people eat. I hate being fat. If I don't eat, I will get thin.
I need to be thin. I need it to be happy. <3

Day 15 of 20 day fast.

In such a bad mood.
My fucking ex, that i was talking about, "i", is back in the scene. I hate the way he makes me feel, i really do. Hes such a dick, he'll tell me how much he loves me, and hug me and crap, then go and flirt with everybody else. I can't stand it.
So, i wrote this, because I need to get thin to show him what lost:

You know what? FUCK YOU.
Fuck you for making me feel the way I do.
Fuck you for the times you hurt me.
Fuck you for the times you made me think you cared.
Fuck you for being with me, then going and flirting with her.
Fuck you for the times you made me laugh.
Fuck you for the times you made me cry.
Fuck you for making me fall in love.
Fuck you for making me believe you ever felt the same.
Fuck you for to this day, making me believe I stood a chance with you.
Fuck you for only being sweet when you were lonley.
Fuck you for trying to be cool around your mates.
Fuck you for thinking that I could never live without you.
Fuck you because you were wrong.
Fuck you because I don't need you.
Fuck you, because all I need is the Lord, and Ana.
Fuck you, I Don't want you back.

Oh, and when i was drinking the other day, i emailed myself (wtf? hha) saying how upset i was, becasue all the girls at the party were staring at me and bitching about me.
i talked to my friend about it (at the party) and she said they were probably just jealous. I wrote the email, saying how they shouldnt be jealous, im the one with an eating disorder, depression, an addiction tp perscription drugs, among other things. man.
thats depressing :/

well, 5 days left of this fast, which will bring me to sunday, where i should be under 60kgs. sweet.
if im not....? i don't even want to think about it.

Hahhahaha

Ohgosh. Drunk blogging? Eek.
Well, good night last night. I actually only ate a little bit of pasta salad, nothing else.
And woke up with a loss somehow? Cool. The Lord is good, thats how :)
Well, not eating anything tomorrow, but going out for dinner for my sisters last night, so will probably have a salad and ice water and thats all :)
No matter how drunk I was when I posted my last post (since deleted) I will be under 60kgs by Sunday. No more trials, no more reasons to eat.
I had heaps to eat today, in prep for my trials, which ended up being cancelled. So if i gain to much tomorrow, I'll only have water all day, otherwise liquids.
Cool.

Starve ooon bitch :D xxxxxx

OHFUCK

just googled how many calories in a bottle of smifnoff ice bottle - what i shall be drinking tomorrow.
228. OHFUCK.
That would be fine, if there was just going to be the one. But no. I have a four pack, which is the least of what I will be consuming. 228x4=912.
thats more calories then i normally eat in what, a WEEK.
Ew. Looks like someones either, going to be over 65kgs (wont be able to handle that) or faking drunk and flushing my drinks down the toilet (sucks, yes. But have to be thin? Yes.
Damn

Day 12 of 20day fast

Think I've put on more weight again. I was 63kgs, but binged on some chips and cookies and dinner tonight, even after a really good day of excersizing, netball trials for 2hours, then walking round the mall for three hours, with only a 239 calorie powerade in me. But, life goes on right? Theres always tomorrow to loose more.

Wanna know something funny? I asked my parents if they thought I had lost any weight, and they said no. WHAT THE FUCK. My pants feel obvioulsly looser, my tops cling less, and I have been genuinly feeling a little better about myself, with all the weight I've lost. But, no. Apparently its not enough. Its never enough man.

Its my sisters leaving party tomorrow. Going to try not to eat anything, just its going to be hard to avoid the alcohol. FOR FUCKS SAKE.
But, if im not forced to do it, I'll probably eat and drink just out of fucking depression. I can't believe shes leaving. shes truley the only one that understands me and everything ive been through - minus being aware of my eating disorder LOL
but i can't believe shes gone. I have to do her proud and make sure I look really good when I see her next :D
Im going to be under 60kgs by next saturday, thaats my goal. So that means loosing anything between 5 and 3 kgs next week. Sounds dooable.
Sweetas.

Well, Im going to go and drown myself in my fat sorrows, and brush my teethh to stop me from putting more food down my fat gob. I am thoroughly useless at life in general. Kcool.

Think thin. Hope tomorrow will be better <3

fuck

are people actually trying to ruin my life with food? OMG i hate it. Im going to drown in a puddle of fucking food one day.
Had pasta salad today, then dinner, then dad made me have an icecream (282 calories)
Funny thing is, I wouldn't have eaten the pasta salad or the icecream if it was fucking up to me. RAGE

ok, so i know this is only because people care about me, and worry that im not eating, but really, to be happy, i actually have to not eat, and loose weight every morning, otherwise the fucking world falls apart :/ aaaaaarh.

and tomorrow, im going to wake up with a big fucking gain, probably actually back over 65kgs, just because people won't let me live my own life. Honestly. I just want to be thin, I don't want to die. If I wanted to die, then I would simply kill myself a quicker way. I just want to be thin and happy. But people keen forcing food down my throat, which just makes everything so much worse. OMG i hate food.
my mind is so fucked up isn't it? hahaha i cant stop swearing, and this disease is just taking over completly. Every second of the day im just wondering what i can do to loose more calories, and how to convince people that i really am eating.
To be honest, this sucks. It sucks waking up every morning hating every inch of myself because I haven't lost enough weight. It sucks having to lie to your loved ones, because you simply cannot bear to put the food in your mouth. I wish i wasn't so f*cking fat. Honestly.
I hate this. And i have to wake up another morning with a gain. Probably over 65kgs. And, even though i can see it coming, i know its going to break me.
I hate this.

Please Lord, make some sort of abstract miracle happen, where i don't put on any weight tomorrow. I promise I will try harder to talk my way out of food, I promise to try harder, and do this for You Lord. I need to be less, so that I can make You more Lord. Pleasepleaseplease, don't make me have gained tomorrow. I won't be able to handle it if I have. If i gain, everything else will fall apart. Lord I can;t do this without you. Please help me? I love You with all of my heart.

omg

day.. not to sure what day of the fast this is hahah. Well its all recorded here so I'll check later.
But alls still going well with the fast, unfortunatly had to eat pasta salad for lunch today, my mums kinda catching on to me, and called me out for not eating much dinner.
But even after that for lunch, I'm still under 65kgs, which rocks.
Just found out that one of my best guy mates 'A' who went out with my friend 's' has been saying shit about me, trying to make her hate me. For fucks sake, Like i don't have enough going on right now. Fucker. I'm sooo pissed off atm.

But anyway, about to have dinner, I went through the efforts of making a really nice salad, with like 10veges in it, so will have that, then nothing till tomorrow night, when i have to eat for calories and energy for my big trial saturday, before which, i will have one piece of plain toast, and a powerade during :D then nothing till sunday hopefully :) sweeeetas.
got to go, write lateer

Right

So my aim was to be under 65kgs by today. And I briefly was, before putting on a kg after a day of normal eating. WTF.
So I water fasted all of yesterday, and most of today, until i was forced to eat a muslei bar at school by someone who thinks I never eat :L proved them wrong? yes. But broke the fast? yes.
However, That was still no more then 200 calories, so in the past two days, i had a definate calorie deficet. So now I'm having half a glass of milk (23calories ish) and doing my journal blog, writing to say that I MADE IT. Under 65kgs again. This time, way more convincingly though. But I'm a little worried, I have really important netball trials on saturday, which is going to need quite abit of energy to do successfully. Im always fucking paranoid of screwing up as it is. So, just going to eat dinner on friday, healthy aas, and then I will have a powerade or sandwhich or something, then run heaps to work it off. But my sister is fucking having drinks on sunday afternoon, and of course I want to be there, but alcohol has sooo many calories, so will all of the food. Fucksake. This weekend is going to suck, and i really have to watch it otherwise Im going to weigh more then I fuking already do.

S0 i really have to work hard tomorrow and thursday, to make as big of a loss as humanly possible, before having to eat on friday and saturday.

On that note, im going to practise my netball now :D
write lateeeer :)
xoxoxo

Day 6 of 20 day fast :)

Had a baad night last night.
Don't want to talk about it, thats between me and the Lord.
Might write about it sometime, but probably not.
But, had masses amounts of foods last night :/

But, thanks to the Lord, I woke up still just under 65kgs, probably like 64.5kgs, but whatever. As long as I'm under, I'm happy. :D

So today I had an up & go for breakfast - 191 calories
a little garlic bread thingy - 160calories
two pieces of toast - probs like 200calories?
total, approximatly: 551, omg. ewewewewew. should be no more then 200 calories in the day.GAGAGAAG
and then going to have dinner.

Also, went for a nice brisk powerwalk this afternoon, for about 15minutes, practised netball for about 20minutes, before my big trial on saturday, and did some skipping for about 10solid mintues.
So, when I jump on the scales tomorrow, I should (all going well) I should have an alright loss.

Rant for a minute - I cannot believe noone has noticed I've lost weight. I've lost 6kgs since returning to ana, that should be pretty fucking noticable. Well, I thought so anyway. Hhaa.
But, I don't care, because everyones going to notice me when I finally get thin. They will see. :)

Still trying to convince Dad to get a cross trainer, would be fucking great. Hours every day.

Thanks to my Lord for his Grace and caring for me. :)

All I have to do, Is get to 52. :Dxoxox

Day 3 & 4 of 20day fast

Right, this has been a really really good weekend.
I was really worried about going to my friend 'S's house yesterday, because they always have sooo much food, and its always hard to say no.
We made brownies, and I got away with only eating 2 small ones. She ate one of those big packets of chips, but i had none. I didn't have anything until dinner, which was sweet as. Then I had two small packets of chips (GAG) and 3cans of coke zero.
But then, we were looking after her baby sister, and went to the pools with her little friends, which was great excersize. I also compolsivly twitched alllll day, whenever i was sitting, which helped a bit i think :L
Then today, we went to the pools with some mates. The main attraction about the pools is the hydro slides. And, lucky for me, the slides are all up the stairs. So I ran up the stairs so many times, along with swimming in the water, so I think I burnt quite a few calories there :D

Then 2 of my mates and I went to Mc Donalds on the way home, and I managed to say no to any food there :) saying i felt sick from the pools. Unfortunatly, one of my best friends "D" noticed that I wasnt eating, and gave me some of her fries. So i managed to get out of the day, with only 3 fries consumed :) win

I was feeling pretty good, so as soon as I got home, I weighed myself. 64kgs.
yesyesyesyesyes. Finally under 65kgs, and I'm never never never going to go back.

Where would I be without the Lord? He gives me so much strength and hope. Lord, I love You. Thanks for watching over me.

So, for my loss, i rewarded myself with some dried banana - yum, and a cadbury favorites dairy milk chocolate, and probably going to have some grapes soon :D. I am so happy that I'm under 65kgs, 3 days before I was aiming to be too. :D Im definatly on track to be under 60kgs by the end of the month.

xoxoxo

Day 2 of 20 day fast to thin :)

Right, fast has gone peeerfectly so far.
Infact, I've probably had less then 200 calories today. Had vanilla latte for breakfast (80 calories) then some raro juice, mostly watered down ( 30ish calories) and some v8 juice (normally 47calories per glass, but had half juice, half water, so only about half that, 23calories)

Not going to eat the rest of the day or tonight, and planning not to eat until 7pm tomorrow.
Problem - going to a mates tomorrow night, 'S'. Not meaning to be rude, but they eat a lot of fatty takeaways, chocolate and lollies.
But, my plan is to say no to anything solid until 7pm. I'm not going to break this for anything.
If, make that when I complete this fast, it will have been 45hours, which is, embarrasingly enough, the biggest fast ive done since returning to ana. I absolutly LOVE fasting, I love the feel of emptiness, and the power you feel when you say 'no'. You know what they say, everytime you say 'no thanks,' you say 'yes please,' to thin.
I just hate the feeling when you feel as though you need to watch your back, because someone is on to you. Really, that only happens in the weekends, when around friends and such. If i haven't said it before, weekends = trouble.

But, I'm going to do this, and I am going to get thin. I heard these girls in my science lesson today, laughing the thinspirational quote "nothing tastes as good as thin feels." I could not stop laughing. Fat bitches. They just don't know how fucking brilliant it feels to wake up and see the number on the scales go down. It is the ultimate high, and feels awesome.

One downside about fasting? The dizzy spells, headaches and stomach cramps. But, that doesn't tempt me to eat, because I know that in the morning, I will have broken through that, and will feel soooo good :D:D:D

Well, I'm off now, might post later tonight though. On Fridays dad does amaazing hamburgers, and the chips are todiefor. So i will be back on here if i get tempted, or even better, look at the blog "dying to be thin" such good thinspiration omgomgogm.

Think thin xoxoxo

Day 1 of the 20 day fast - sweet as

Ok, actually, had half a seaweed cracker and half a lollypop, but other then that, only liquid - infact an up & go, and water.

Also, went for about a 20 minute walk today, and up a maaassssive hill, which is good excersize :D

But, problem. Or is it..?
Turns out, my history teacher got the dates of our trip wrong, and so it turns out that the trip is not in 20days infact, but next month. Still, i am going to continue with this fast, cause I was so excited for it, and fuck knows, I need it ;/
But, the fact that the trip is over a month away, means that I have even longer to loose weight, and will look even BETTER and be even thinner. lets see some ribs :D:D

Well, I'm off to have a cold shower, good way to burn calories, not to mention, it wakes you up! Then gunna do my situps and all, and have a small dinner, to give me energy to fast all tomorrow, and up to saturday night hopefully. :)

Starveoooon.
xoxox

yeeees 20 day fast for 62 begins tomorrrrow :D

New thinspiration!
In exactly 20 days time, I shall be on a history trip for school, where we are going swimming at this random place.
Swimming, means bikini ;)
Also, my ex 'I' will be there, and always enjoy the chance to make him jealous, lets just say, hes a bit of a dick :P
So, in order to make him jealous, I am going to need to be so thin. My aim is to be under 65kgs by this time next week, and then i should be on track to be 62kg when we leave for the trip.
Its a four day trip, which involves swimming and hiking, so that means we get loooads of excersize too, which is great.

I need to do this on, if not before, time. I need to be under 65kgs before i go on that trip. If i go on the trip looking like i do now, everyone will run away and take cover from the beast :/

Ana will never betray me like food does. Ana is what pushes me to strive to be beautiful, therefore making me happy.

Please Lord, please help me do this, please.
Make me hunger for more of you, not food.
"Man does not live by bread alone" - Luke 4:4
I need to be less, to make you more.
I need to be less to be happy.
I don't want to die, that would defeat the purpose. I just want to be thin.

I don't need to eat. Ugly people eat. fat people eat.

Somehow, I need to do this also, without my parents catching on. That would only be disastorus.
So, this is how it's gunna go.

No solid foods all day. Until dinner, which I have to eat 4 nights a week to keep suspicions away.

Breakfast- either: up & go- 191calorie drink
or: vanilla latte- 80calories
Then, only water all day at school, and then if needed, a watered down v8 juice- 47calorie per serve, but probably less if i water it down.

Then, if I cant get out of it, dinner. But no dessert, ever ever ever.
I don't care if this means that I can't go out for the next two weekend. It will be worth it to be thinner. Everythings worth it to be thinner.

"Become like the lamb, by fighting the lion. Nothing else matters."
I need to be thin.

Bring it oon xoxoxox