I want to die.

Fuck my life. My pants are not fitting anymore. Just went to put on a size 10 pair of jeans and they were very very hard to get on. Fuck my life. I was going to eat today, but not anymore.

My 2011 Christmas breakdown:

I genuinely feel as though this Christmas was the best that I've ever had.
I got spoiled rotten, got my Christmas wish and hung out with my family all day.

I ate far too much, but I'm restricting solids as of now, and after that I'll cut out the calorie liquids (or reduce them.) For some odd reason I've been craving milk so much lately, and that's something I really need to chill out on.

One of my biggest fears about this Christmas was that I would get given clothes and that I wouldn't fit them. However, my brother brought me a NZ size 8 dress which happens to fit me perfectly and my dad was almost brought to tears about how 'good I looked' in it. Or so he says.

This Christmas has made me feel very, very thankful, for everything and everyone, and I feel completely and utterly blessed.

My Christmas wish was for the guy that I like to wish me a merry Christmas. He did, and we ended up talking for a bit today, with him trying to score drugs off me. Heheh.

Tomorrow I'm down to a max of two meals - a lunch at around 12-1pm, and dinner at around 7pm, and one 'snack' if I want it. After that, no more snacks, and restricting as much as possible, before an all out fast after new years.

I'm tired, I'm drained, but I'm happy.

Merry Christmas!

To anyone reading this, I hope you had/will have an amazing Christmas, and share it with your loved ones, and have all the fun you deserve.

I'll write more about my day a bit later when I sober up and my family goes to sleep.
And, to be frank, after I have some dinner.

I know, I know. Restricting tomorrow. I'm enjoying the freedom whilst it lasts.

So. Fucking. Depressed.

And I don't know why. If someone was to hug me right now, I would break down in their arms. But I only want him. He's controlling my mind right now, and I don't know why.

Had a family dinner tonight and it was shit, wish I never went, not that I had a choice.

Today has been a really fucking bad eating day, and I know tomorrow will be too. Right up until.. new years, I won't have a chance to fast, and I'm so fucking pissed off. I'm going to stop eating right at new years. Might even stop drinking, too. Fuck everything with calories. Fuck hating myself this much. If I was thin, he would be mine, I know it.

I don't even know what I'm saying right now. I'm drunk and depressed, sorry.

Fat fat fat.

Only eating raw foods unless it's Christmas meals with the family.
Depressed and pissed off because a) I'm fat
b) I'm tired
c) I've been made to eat fucking shit loads by my friend in the past two days.
d) The same friend didn't pull through with her plans to come with me to see my boy today, so I never saw him.
So. Pissed. Off.
He's my Christmas wish; all I want. And now he's mad cos he got things all set up for me and I never went. Feel so sad. I really liked this one, too.

Today ended up being a pretty good day.
Got high with a friend again and chilled at a beach.
Before this (at 3pm) I had cajun vegetables (100 calories) blueberries (50 calories) and five fork-fulls of couscous (60 calories). Then when I was out I was made to eat a cookie time cookie and mince savory. Bleh. Hello 65kg again.

Going to be just as fat, if not fatter when I see my crush on Thursday night. He doesn't like fat chicks. I'm doomed.

Broke the 65kg barrier for the first time in ages this morning after yesterdays 100 calories. My period kind of came back today also, so hopefully I'll starve that partially away in the next couple of days. Hoping to not eat anything today, but I can't say what is going to happen tonight, or even later today. All I know is that I need to be as thihn as possible for Thursday, even though I won't be sleeping with him.

Hold up:

You want me to come to your house, sleep with you, then you'll pay me so that I can 'get home'? That makes me sound like a fucking hooker. Baby, I'm not into that. Guess someone won't be getting any, will they?

Sweetie if you want to play it like that, I can do that. I can play you like you're playing me. Maybe I don't have the experience at that that you do, but I can play hard to get if I have too. I can make you think I'm yours one minute, and the next it'll be as though you never even had me.

Lol who am I kidding.
I'd do whatever you wanted me to.

What on earth just happened?

Well, it happened whilst I was stoned out of my mind and texted this boy, who proceeded to call me his "girl" and his "babe" and ask me to meet up with him on Thursday. So me and my friend are going to bus out to meet him, (pre-drinking before, obviously,) go to his house and get high all day. I'm going to have butterflies for weeks.
He also told me that he "wants his Christmas present early," and when I asked what that was, he said "you. all I want is you babe." fuck. It's like he reads my mind and says just the things to make me weak. I really don't think this is the smartest thing I've ever considered doing, but it looks like its going to happen.. And I don't know if that's good or bad, at this point.. At least my friend will be by my side.

So that means, guess who's not eating until Thursday? That'd be me.
Today I got away with only two lollipops (90calories) and one french fry (20ish calories?) and I'm not stoned enough to want to eat right now, especially with the fucking butterflies I have in my stomach right now. Shit.
Tomorrow I am planning on spending my day not being a lazy shit, but cleaning my bedroom, bathroom and house instead, for when my family comes over for Christmas. I cannot believe that the year has gone so fast. It really has been a whirlwind. And I think that, before the year is out, I'm going to write a post with all of the things I've learnt/felt/been through/wondered/did/been impacted by etc throughout the year. That'll be a long post, but I'll leave it for now. That might be good for a Christmas morning post, but I'll see how things go.

I'm hungry now, so I'm waiting for my brother to go to bed so that I can have a cigarette and cup of tea in peace, and then sleep before 1am. I think I'll sleep good tonight.

Depressed.

I've actually had a really good day today, hung out with an old friend and trailed around the mall for hours, but now I'm alone again and I'm so depressed.
And it's all because of the guy I like. Ugh. I just want him to be mine, I just want to hug and kiss him and cuddle him all night, but I don't even know where I stand with him. He'd only use me for sex, and apparently I'm not even good enough for that. Damn fat. Fuck.

Got away with having only one potato chip thing and a lolly pop today, so I should be happy, but I'm not. I never thought my moods would depend on someone like this, but they are. I'm used to my mood being dependent on my food and weight, but not on other people. I don't want to be without him, even though he's no good for me. He just knows all the right things to say, and its driving me crazy.

Guess I'm not good enough for anybody.

Insomnia

It's 4:10am, so tired, but too much running through my mind to sleep.
I have to be up by 8am tomorrow and am spending the day Christmas shopping with a friend, and instead of sleeping, I've just been sitting outside drinking peppermint tea and smoking cigarettes. Oops.

I'm not making any progress with my weight, but from time to time and can see minute differences in my body..
I can't wait for next year, honestly. Finally getting out of the house. Finally away from food 24/7. Down to eating 3 meals consisting of however much of the crap I am fed.
Until then, however, I am stuck in this hole.
I'm going to try sleep now. Not that three hours of sleep will do anything at all. Ugh.
Livin' the dream, right?

Fucking stoned eating. It's gunna be the death of me.

Also:
After almost a day with no food, my stomach is growling like crazy. Planning on skulling a bottle of water before I go out tonight to stop it from rumbling in front of my best friend. Otherwise shit will go down, and I'm not keen for that anytime soon.

Incoherent babble:

I feel that, right now, the only time I want to eat is when I'm stoned. Well, the only time where I want something cheesy/fatty/doughy, is when I'm stoned off my nut.
Like last night, for instance, I got baked with a friend, came home and craved cheese on toast with bacon (after eating only noodles and vegetables earlier that day).
Stoned me thought that this was a fantastic idea, so into the oven it went. I then went outside to have a cigarette, came inside, (considerably more sober by this point) and didn't want my food anymore. Not wanting to waste it, I forced my way through one piece of toast.

And then this morning, I was sober, and my brother made noodles. Knowing that they would cost me a mere 300 calories, and be so fulling I wouldn't want to eat anything else, I decided that I wanted some noodles. Nothing else, just chicken noodles. However, my brother used the last packet for himself, so I had nothing.
And here I am, hours later, still sober, having had only one black coffee and two coke zeros. Interesting.
Knowing this, I'm kind of concerned because I'm getting high with my best friend tonight, and I don't know if a) she'll make me eat, or b) stoned me will eat out of my own wasted will.
I guess that knowing this will help in fighting it..

Until then, I'm on zero calories so far today, and loving it.

I've officially over caffeinated my body to the point where its giving in.
I've had two large black coffees and about 5 coke zeros in the course of the day, no water, no food to balance it out, and I just about vomited all over my computer whilst playing a game just before. I feel absolutely disgusting. I'm going to have a 45 calorie hot chocolate now to try and make myself feel better, but ugh, this is disgusting.
I still feel like I'm going to vomit, I don't even know if I can stomach a hot chocolate right now, but I'll give it a go.

Ugh. Sick sick sick.

Lol whoops.

Out of pure boredom, I just about broke my fast. I didn't want to binge, I just wanted to eat, (noodles 300 calories, vegetables, and garlic bread 267 calories) and resume my fast later.

I talked to the Lord about it, and promised that it wouldn't be a binge. So, I got up to make my food. Then my brother and his friend (who I had a huge thing with - until he broke my heart) came home. Then I got the idea to just make it all, and throw it out. And that's what I did. Now I'm drinking my black coffee and watching Jersey Shore, still no calories inside me, but feeling incredibly bloated from all of the liquid I've had today. Ugh. But you know what? It's all good, I'm hungry, but I didn't eat. Going to go have a cigarette and chill out.

Hunger pains are starting to kick in. Zero calories in so far today, and I'm praying to keep it that way.

You just want to fuck me, and I want to break your heart.
Who's going to win, kid?

Back.

-You are back in my good books.
-I am back to my old, night crawling ways (it happens to be 2:30am right now)
-My will and determination is back.
-That's all, pretty much.

Pointless over caffeinated ramblings, sorry. I just felt like using this blog, rather than my private tumblr's.
I want to start putting more of me into this blog.

Who does that?

I'm sick of getting fucked around.
The guy I (think) I like text me before, saying "your extremely beautiful, (: just saying.x" and then hasn't texted me back or talked to me since. There's all this shit on facebook about him being such a player, and having a "girl of the week," and playing her, making her feel special and then leaving her. And yeah, okay, I know whole heartily that that is true. But is there something so wrong in thinking that I can change him? That I could be the one to stop him from being such a player. Did I mention, he's on police curfew right now, and he's been arrested, in fights, doesn't have a job. I'm a high school graduate, never been in trouble with the law. I know the only reason he's giving me the time of day, because all guys try to play me the same, all of them. I just have a soft spot for him, which is going to be the death of me..

Anyway:
I ate today again, and I have no excuse for doing so. But now, I am fasting, until ideally Tuesday night, but I will be happy with anything over two days.
This fast is a 'JAC' fast or repenting;
-Jesus for addressing Him as a side note for so long, not being the type of Christian I want to be.
-Ana for thinking that I can live without it, and to get a grasp back with her.
-C for Claire (me) for all of the self hatred that I have put myself through.
Tomorrow, 200 liquid calories max, although if my brother takes the last up and go in the morning, it will be 0 calories.

Goddammit, time to get back into things. All too late, though.

I'm really struggling not to eat right now. I ate this morning, but I don't know if I can hold out; I really don't.
It's 99% just boredom, and I am craving garlic bread and something cheesy. Fuck. Can't do this.
I guess it doesn't help that I'm feeling so depressed right now. I just want to go out somewhere and get stoned, but the weather is so shit right now.
If I stay in the house, I'm going to cave out of pure boredom and depression.
Fuck it, you know what? I don't even care. Maybe if I binge enough my stomach won't be able to handle it and it will give in. Fuck living, yaknow? Fuck everything.

I won't be skinny by Christmas, but I sure as Hell won't be this fat.

Plan:

Tomorrow:
400 solid calories.

Friday:
0 solid, may be drinking, so allowed liquid calories.

Saturday:
Depends on what happens, 0 calories allowed under my own control.

Sunday:
Coffee with milk.

Monday:
200 liquid calories.

Tuesday:
0 liquid calories.

Wednesday:
Repeat from start.

If I feel weak, am forced to eat or want to binge on a non eating day, then I can have any fruit or vegetable. So I guess this is kinda like the SGD, with different numbers. This is going up until Christmas.
Fuck being fat, really. I'm honestly humongous right now. I look like I'm carrying a fucking child. It's grotesque.

Pushed through 500 situps and 250 squats today.
Fasting for five days also, because I'm so sick of eating. Last night, for example, I was forced to eat by my best friend, who literally brought me a burger and sat in the car watching me eat it. This happened the night before that too, with another friend who brought chips and chocolate and make me take part in his little stoned binge fest;and I'm done.
I don't want to eat, ever.

I'm meant to be going out with some friends tonight and getting stoned, and I'm afraid that they'll make me eat. I'm going to do all that I can to make sure I don't eat. Ugh. I won't do it. I don't care. I refuse.

About to have 16 liquid calories and fuck shit up tonight. I need to mission it up to get cigarettes in the morning, might walk to the beach to get starbucks on Friday if I still haven't eaten.

Oh boy..

The awkward moment when your starving stomach rumbles in front of your recovering best friend..
And, as a punishment for this, she made me eat more than I thought she would.
We got high and brought popcorn and lolly pops, and went to hers and smoked more weed, ate kettle corn, lolly pops, marshmallows, a biscuit and a muesli bar. Fuck.

The only reason that I ate all of that was because I know she heard my stomach rumbling and that I knew she wouldn't believe my attempted recovery if I didn't eat. I had 50 liquid calories before then, and no solid food up until then, so I'm feeling okay. I was even down 1.5kg today.

I don't know what's happening tonight..meant to be drinking but I am not feeling into that tonight. But with the people I'm with, I know that they won't be okay with me not drinking. It's at a Christmas carnival and so there is going to be large amounts of food and what not. Aaaaaaaand my best friend will be there, so I don't know how I'll get out of that. I don't want to eat anything before tonight, but if I need to, I have some 100 calorie cajun vegetables lined up.

Then a barbeque tomorrow, where I'm planning on going stoned and eating as little as possible. I don't care who notices there, none of them really care that much. I wanted to be thin to make them talk, but since I'm not, I'll just be another fat girl trying to diet.

Day 1 of my 17 day plan went exactly as I thought it would, which makes me happy c:

Fasting.

Okay, as a simple little disclaimer, this is stupid, impulsive, dangerous and not recommended to anyone else.
With that out of the way, this is my plan:

Today is December 8th. There are 17 days until Christmas.
I learnt that it is hard for me to be around a recovering friend and starve, so the following now applies:
-No more eating when I'm at home alone - days are to be strictly 0 calories, or 200 liquid tops.
-Instant soup is no longer classed as a liquid, it is now food. So not allowed during the day.
-Allowed to eat when drunk/stoned with best friend.
-Eat if family makes me, or if out with family, but eat the smallest amount possible and 75% salad.
-No 'cheat days' 'rewards' or anything, until Christmas.
-This applies all holidays. No more day eating unless you are forced or collapse.

Got so drunk last night - on an empty stomach no less.
Vommited all over my friends balcony, lied about having eaten and goodness only knows what else.
I hate drinking.

So I ate this morning in an attempt to soak up the alcohol. I was 64kg this morning after I emptied the entire content of my stomach over a balcony last night. I'm fasting from now until Sunday when I'm going to that lunch.

Feel like shit right now, ugh!

Buying an ounce of weed tonight - I so much prefer that to drinking now.
I just want to get stoned and sleep. I don't want to go out tonight. I haven't had a sober night or even really seen my family since sometime last week.

People kept stealing cigarettes from me last night, now my packets almost empty. And I don't get paid until Friday.
Uh, bitchwhinemoan. Sorry.

Been back into the fasting-binging mentality, but trying to curb that now.
On Sunday I'm going to an old friends for dinner. The second to last time that they saw me I was at my thinnest, and the entire topic of conversation was me, my eating and my weight. Then the last time, I was bigger, but I was vegan, so that probably added some fuel to the fire.
I want to be 60kg by Sunday when I see them - which could be hard this weekend. I've already fasted for over one day, and hopefully will go until at least Thursday - making it three days.

There's a big local Christmas celebration on Saturday night, which I will probably be going to, and will potentially be made to eat - but I'm going to get out of it if possible. Also buying pot on Saturday, which scares me and excited me at the same time. I'm just scared that I'll get the munchies and eat. Ugh.

I'm around 65kg right now, and had 178 calories so far today (up & go) and will allow myself 45-54 more calories tonight. I desperately need to be as thin as possible by Sunday. But I haven't been under 61.9kg in the last six months, so it won't be easy. But I'm going to do all that I can. Ugh. I hate this. I just want to be thin. Thinner than thin.

Weekly plan:

Fasting from 6pm tonight (Monday) (it is now 7:29pm)
Fast is going until 6am Thursday morning.

Tuesday:
0 calories

Wednesday:
115 liquid calories (45 calorie hot chocolate, 70 calorie soup.)

Thursday:
1 piece wholemeal toast, two apples, 1 cup yougurt

Friday:
0 calories, or calories through alcohol only

Saturday:
Same as Friday

Sunday:
400-600 solid calories.

Sorry I've gone for a while, been busy doing pointless shit and thinking about things (which, by the way, has gotten me no where.)

I've had to switch scales from my digital one to an dial one, but my weight seems to be down, which is good.

I think I'm fasting right now, but if I want to eat, I am allowing myself yogurt, apples, and whole meal toast. And soup.

Not in a good place right now, I really just want to revisit the knives and reopen my cuts, but here's hoping that I won't. Got at least 10kg to lose before Christmas. I want to be somewhere close to 50kg when my family come over to celebrate Christmas. I was meant to be working tomorrow but the schedule fucked up so won't be working until early afternoon/early evening. Will post later with my meal plan for the week.
So unenthusiastic right now.

*sound of a balloon deflating*

Weighed 67.6kg this morning, wasn't too upset, it's been higher lately. Had 3/4cup nutri grain, two pieces of toast and a hot chocolate this morning. Had one hot chocolate since then. Hopefully mum comes back with some soup tonight (although I do doubt it.)I'm about to have a weak moment, I'm feeling pretty hungry right now. But I just had a shower and then weighed myself, and I'm 66.4kg right now. I'll be really upset if I eat tonight. If I can't get through this fast, I'll be really upset. The last true fast that I did was a four day fast quite a while back. Every time I try to fast, I always end up breaking. Such a fucking weak bitch. Well, clearly. I mean, look at me.

Exam went okay today. I don't even know. I can't wait until it's all over. Unfortunately, however, I have three more exams to go before that time. Meh.

Bleugh.

Had two and a half soups this afternoon for a pick-me-up. Didn't work, feel shit. Tag 200 calories on to today. I'm kinda hungry now still though, not sure why, but whatever, I'll take it.

Fucked off at my brother, talking out of his ass as usual. Saying how disappointed my parents are in me and things like that. I don't even care if its true. I just care that he accused me of "creating my own problems," when I spend every day for the last five and a half years cutting myself and willing to cut deep enough to end it all. And he doesn't even know. No one caught on until I chose to tell them. Remind me again why I wasn't good at drama?
Thank God I'm outta here next year.

I'm back

This time, for good.
I have been using tumblr for a while, with a blog on there. But my best friend saw and read that blog - not that I have a problem with that, she knows everything as an eating disorder herself. But she has said - numerous times - how much I trigger her, and that she tried to get better and I triggered her again. I don't want to trigger her again, so I'm working to not.

Regarding all of my previous posts, please excuse all of that. I was young, and referring to 'ana' was a way that I dealt with everything. In a way, it still is. Putting a face to the feelings, in a sense. I was never trying to lament this disease, it was just my way of coping. I was young, immature and didn't know what

I currently weigh 67.9kg. That's not bad, considering I've been on the verge of 70kg for the last couple of weeks. I'm mid exams right now, and I have to eat so that I don't fail my end of year exams. I have an exam tomorrow morning, and after that, I'm fasting all weekend until my next exam on Monday morning.

I want to be 50kg by Christmas when my family is coming over, where I full-well know that I will gain at least 5kg around them, so I want to be as low as I can be before then. I know that 50kg is a long shot from here, but with restrictions and fasting, I think I can do it. Once I can get to a supermarket, I'm going to buy the exact same foods that I used to eat, when I was at my sickest. The same things that I ate earlier on in this blog, whilst appearing 'normal' to my family. I'd have liquid calories in the morning, and sub 200 for dinner.
My mind is such a mess right now. Which sucks, because I have an English exam tomorrow. I'm good at English, I like English. I need to get my thoughts together before then, or I'm never going to make it.

This morning I ate:
1 wrap with cheese, salad and quinoa.
Garlic bread
1.5cups of fries.
Hot chocolate.

I'm not going to have anything until tomorrow morning, where I will probably have oatmeal and a hot chocolate. I might have another hot chocolate tonight though (45calories.) I'm not strong enough to get straight back into fasting, but I'm going to try. Two day fast after tomorrow.

This last week has been good, did a four day fast and lost just over 3kg before eating on day four.
Was forced to eat a my parents annerversary party last night, but did a saltwater flush this morning, and am fasting from 9am today until either Wednesday (where I may have to eat for my fathers birthday) or Saturday where I do have to eat for a friends birthday party.

I need to lose 6kg by next Wednesday (the 12th)when I'm going overseas for a week with my best friend, where I want to be at my thinnest. That means fasting this week, and then fasting up until I go.
Going out food shopping tomorrow to get some juices and soups for this fast, so, should be a good week!

I want more than anything to get back to where I was here.

So I am fasting right now, until going out with friends for lunch on Tuesday. 0 calories until Monday, where I'll have to have something before exams.
After eating on Tuesday, a fast begins, until my first goal weight is reached..

I currently weigh 66.5kg (BMI 20)
I wanted to be 60kg by Tuesday. But clearly, that isn't going to happen now... Re-evaluating and I think that I should be able to be there by Sunday, where I would be able to eat to start the week. I'm not sure, but I am fasting every day after Tuesday until I get there.

Gone but not out.
I'm not recovered, but I'm just fatter then I was this time last year, and that pisses me off. Time for a new adventure. Time to reach a new low.

Wow.

So here I am, two years after starting this blog.
15kg heavier then I was then, but not recovered. Just fatter then when I was so obviously sick. So now time to get serious again. 9:30am brought on a new fast, until Tuesday. I don't know if I can be fucked anymore. All I ever do is binge, starve, binge, starve. Routinely. Its disgusting and I hate it. But I can't break out of it. And I don't know why.

I miss the way things used to be.

I really do. I miss a lot in my past. Not entirely to say that I regret it, but I do miss a lot. I miss past relationships, I miss old family ways, I miss who I used to be. But I'd like to think that I have become a better person over the time; through ana and all. I think I'm going to start using this blog again, I say that constantly, but I like having a private place to rant. I don't like how bitchy my blog used to be. How I would laugh at people when they ate and I was strong enough to say no. I was a bitch, and I fully admit that. I feel like I might have messed up one of the most important people that I ever had, and I don't know how or why exactly. And that hurts, more than anything. I don't know what I've done to potentially loose this person, but I would do anything in my power to get them back into my life, they mean THAT much to me. And, just in the off chance that they may be reading this, 'D,' you are my best friend, to be honest, you are practically like my sister. Since telling you about ana, I promised to be 100% honest with you, and I have, and will continue to be if you let me. Your friendship means more to me than anyone else's, truly. And if you just give me a chance to explain whatever went wrong, I will be 100% honest, just as I promised.

Anyway, I just got back from a trip to see my oldest brother and his friends, and it was legitimately life changing, and I feel like it might have made me into a better person, at least I hope. Then, as of 30minutes ago, I am now vegan, and fasting as of 12am. I just decided that I wanted to start of my vegan'ism with a fast, haha.

Alright, I'm off to bed I think, got a lazy day of unpacking and relaxing, then a big workout to start shit off. Woo. Hope all goes well.

PIT & PEAK OF THE DAY:
Pit: Leaving from my trip, the only place that has ever felt like home to me.
Peak: Getting a note from the people I was staying with, and a sweet message from my brother. Knowing somebody who knows nearly everything about me (everything besides anorexia) and is STILL proud of me? That makes me so happy. :)
Night xxxxxx