So, i'm still on my liquid fast, still only had a hot chocolate.
And I'm in deep trouble.
I was upstairs sitting with mum, when she randomly asks me "how much weight i've lost' I said none, I have the scales with me, and i haven't lost anything.
then she goes 'you've lost a lot of weight, and its not good'
i told her i hadn't, but she just ignored me and went back to reading.
Well, what the fuck, seriously. They don't even notice when i loose 10kgs, which i did a while earlier, but when i loose 4kgs in one week, i all of a sudden cause the biggest fuss.
And now i'm fucked. I don't know where to go from here, I can't stop ana, just when I'm loosing again. I don't want to eat, I've come to hate eating again, and i CAN'T put on any more weight.
I don't know what to do, and now i'm just fucked.
Lord, please help me get through this. I need Your strength and help to get through this without hurting my family, but I don't want to risk hurting myself by putting on more weight either. I don't know where to go from here.
Saturday, May 29, 2010
Morning ;)
Hey, so on a liquid fast until 7:30pm today (24hour) and so far had a hot chocolate, which was roughly 300 calories, (but the fucking cafe doesn't have the nutritional information on the website. Grr! Isn't that fucking illegal or something?
Was reading "dying to be thin" - that blog i was talking about, last night, and she really does face many of the same situations that I do.
Like, my best friend "D" and I have been friends for aages, and she knows almost everything about me. She doesn't know about my ED persay, but she knows that I'm not comfortable with my body, and that that could lead to something more. And, i love to hang out with her, and like, the other week we were at the movies. And she refuses to eat unless I eat. She really wanted some subway, and asked if I was going to have one too. I said no thanks, and so she said she wasn't going to have one anymore. GRR. And of course that make me feel guilty, so I ended up with a FUCKING FOOT LONG vegetable sub.
This happens all the time, even If i'm at her house around her parents and everyone, if i refuse to eat, so does she. I want to be like "fine, just don't eat, see if i care" kind of thing, but I can't, because always so terrifeid of someone finding out about my ED.
Hmm,.
Kwell anyway, I'm off. Mum;s going to make me go food shopping today, and my plan is to stock up on yuck muslei bars (that I won't eat, but my dad will) and lots of low calorie juices and snacks. I think she's going to make me go to the supermarket where the guy I used to have a massive thing for works, at the checkout, no less. GRR. If HE knows what I'm eating, and sees all the food my family eats, he's going to thinki I'm a fat fucking whale. GRGRGRGR
Was reading "dying to be thin" - that blog i was talking about, last night, and she really does face many of the same situations that I do.
Like, my best friend "D" and I have been friends for aages, and she knows almost everything about me. She doesn't know about my ED persay, but she knows that I'm not comfortable with my body, and that that could lead to something more. And, i love to hang out with her, and like, the other week we were at the movies. And she refuses to eat unless I eat. She really wanted some subway, and asked if I was going to have one too. I said no thanks, and so she said she wasn't going to have one anymore. GRR. And of course that make me feel guilty, so I ended up with a FUCKING FOOT LONG vegetable sub.
This happens all the time, even If i'm at her house around her parents and everyone, if i refuse to eat, so does she. I want to be like "fine, just don't eat, see if i care" kind of thing, but I can't, because always so terrifeid of someone finding out about my ED.
Hmm,.
Kwell anyway, I'm off. Mum;s going to make me go food shopping today, and my plan is to stock up on yuck muslei bars (that I won't eat, but my dad will) and lots of low calorie juices and snacks. I think she's going to make me go to the supermarket where the guy I used to have a massive thing for works, at the checkout, no less. GRR. If HE knows what I'm eating, and sees all the food my family eats, he's going to thinki I'm a fat fucking whale. GRGRGRGR
Friday, May 28, 2010
Hello Ana's
Sorry, my promise to blog more hasn't really come through so much yet..has it? Whoops, sorry.
Well, I'm glad to say that ana is back, and back to stay <3 After looking in the mirror on Tuesday (?) night, and seeing my fat fucking reflection, I decided it was time to take some serious action, and so i did. Since wednesday (now saturday) i have lost at least 3kgs. Water fasted 24 hours yesterday, then liquid fasted another like, 17, before having to eat before netball. Had to much, bread mainly, carbs - not so good.
And my poor shrinking stomach felt so sore after days of being starved, to suddenly being full. But the thing is, my parents are very much on to me. As well as others. At netball today, my best friend 'N' and her mum were talking to my mum, and both said i was 'too skinny.'
And my parents, all week, have been talking about how little I'm eating and how concerend they are. To be honest, I don't think that they've caught on to my ED, because they don't want to admit that our 'happy little family' (which has never actually been so happy) has holes in it and is experiencing troubles. If anything, my mum will be onto it soon, but by then, I will have had time to fake my way through this.
Like, plan:
To keep my parents mind at ease, going to make some scrambled eggs with frozen vegetables, for dinner before 7pm, and then liquid fast until 7pm tomorrow.
Then, suggest that we go food shopping sometime tomorrow, and buy lots of juices and sub 100 calorie snacks and juices (which i shall research soon) and stock up on those. I know mum will ensure that we buy some easy snack food, like chips and muslei chocoloate bars, but thats ok with me. To be honest, I've felt so strong lately, its crazy, i'm loving it. And i've said 'no' to quite a considerbale amount of food, that I normally would have no second thoughts about eating. And, you know what they say, everytime you say 'no thank you' you say 'yes please' to thin.
I'm aiming to be 55kgs on friday, with which I shall reward myself with a powerade on saturday for netball. For then, I'm going to try and stay there for the weekend, with sensible 'normalISH' eating, before trying to get to my ultimate goal of 50kgs. I know its not going to be easy, not easy at all. But i have to do it.
I'd die to be thin.
I will die to be thin.
Oh,& I'm back into reading 'ana regzig's' blog. I have to say, It is one of the most insperational things I have ever read. She;s quite like me, like, God is number one for her, for me too.
And she's very real, she isn't perfect, she has fails and struggles and doubts and attempts to escape from ana, but, who doesn't? It's honesty so thinspirational, and that is partly what helped me get back on track.
I really recomend you check it out, google 'dieing to be thin' ;)
Thats all for now, night ana's. Off to make my killer scrambled eggs and sit down with my cold water and watch a movie, and gear up for my liquid fast tomorrow.
Thank you to the Lord for all his help this week. He is amazing, and I love Him with all of my heart. Nightall<3
Well, I'm glad to say that ana is back, and back to stay <3 After looking in the mirror on Tuesday (?) night, and seeing my fat fucking reflection, I decided it was time to take some serious action, and so i did. Since wednesday (now saturday) i have lost at least 3kgs. Water fasted 24 hours yesterday, then liquid fasted another like, 17, before having to eat before netball. Had to much, bread mainly, carbs - not so good.
And my poor shrinking stomach felt so sore after days of being starved, to suddenly being full. But the thing is, my parents are very much on to me. As well as others. At netball today, my best friend 'N' and her mum were talking to my mum, and both said i was 'too skinny.'
And my parents, all week, have been talking about how little I'm eating and how concerend they are. To be honest, I don't think that they've caught on to my ED, because they don't want to admit that our 'happy little family' (which has never actually been so happy) has holes in it and is experiencing troubles. If anything, my mum will be onto it soon, but by then, I will have had time to fake my way through this.
Like, plan:
To keep my parents mind at ease, going to make some scrambled eggs with frozen vegetables, for dinner before 7pm, and then liquid fast until 7pm tomorrow.
Then, suggest that we go food shopping sometime tomorrow, and buy lots of juices and sub 100 calorie snacks and juices (which i shall research soon) and stock up on those. I know mum will ensure that we buy some easy snack food, like chips and muslei chocoloate bars, but thats ok with me. To be honest, I've felt so strong lately, its crazy, i'm loving it. And i've said 'no' to quite a considerbale amount of food, that I normally would have no second thoughts about eating. And, you know what they say, everytime you say 'no thank you' you say 'yes please' to thin.
I'm aiming to be 55kgs on friday, with which I shall reward myself with a powerade on saturday for netball. For then, I'm going to try and stay there for the weekend, with sensible 'normalISH' eating, before trying to get to my ultimate goal of 50kgs. I know its not going to be easy, not easy at all. But i have to do it.
I'd die to be thin.
I will die to be thin.
Oh,& I'm back into reading 'ana regzig's' blog. I have to say, It is one of the most insperational things I have ever read. She;s quite like me, like, God is number one for her, for me too.
And she's very real, she isn't perfect, she has fails and struggles and doubts and attempts to escape from ana, but, who doesn't? It's honesty so thinspirational, and that is partly what helped me get back on track.
I really recomend you check it out, google 'dieing to be thin' ;)
Thats all for now, night ana's. Off to make my killer scrambled eggs and sit down with my cold water and watch a movie, and gear up for my liquid fast tomorrow.
Thank you to the Lord for all his help this week. He is amazing, and I love Him with all of my heart. Nightall<3
Thursday, May 6, 2010
Hello my lovelys (:
Been just over a month since I've last posted, yeah, sorry.
Been going alright lately, had my ups and downs a lot, and spent a lot of time questioning the values of ana, and trying to recover from this disease.
But, it's not something that I can do by myself, and after a few days of eating normally again, I realise how much I cannot do this alone, but more importantly, how much I really need and love ana.
This disease tears you apart, literally, and it makes you question the valuablity of your life, I'm not even joking.
So many times, I have tried to escape this, but I really cannot do this alone. And, I don't even want to. The need to be thin is, and has always been, greater than anything else. And, I'm don't want to sacrifice this. Ever.
I'm also recently vegetarian, and I'm stoked about it. Been about two weeks so far, and I love it so much. It was meant for a way to loose weight and stuff, but has turned into so so so much more. It's like, a new obsession kinda. I mean, its hard sometimes, having to cook my own meals all the time and stuff, but that way, I control everything that goes into it, the calories, the fat, everything. And it's control that I control, and utimatly love.
Doing a 5km run with my Mum on Saturday, for mothers day, cause running is her new like, obsession now that she's stopped drinking. And, I'm kind of nervous about it, because I don't want my mom to outrun me, so I am going to run my ass off, and go as hard as I physically can.
I've also started up netball again which is good, although I have been binging before netball to give me that confidence to play well, but, it always seem to backfire on me, and I don't play well.
Am fasting atm, at least 24 hours, but am allowed a little bit before netball IF NEED BE tomorrow.
Had a coke zero today (1.8calorie) and am allowed one hot chocolate tonight (45calories) and then an up and go and powerade for netball tomorrow, and a coke zero too if I want :) so that I have enough calories in me to do my job at netball, and play outstoundingly. Hopefully anyway.
Just ran 7km on the cross trainer in practise for Sunday, about to go run at least 5km more.
Truth is, I missed blogging, and I'm excited to be back blogworld. Where I can bear my soul to no one in particular, and not have to worry about people running away when I tell them everything that I feel, which is like, my ultimate fear in life. Ever since I was a kid, I've always had huge trust issues, but when I'm blogging, I don't care if anyone reads, but if they do, they wouldn't know who I was. And, in a way, it's like I'm telling the whole world about my anorexia and everything else, but then, at the same time, I am telling noone. And I love that.
I'm off to run now. Will definatly blog again soon my babes. Ana LOVE
Been going alright lately, had my ups and downs a lot, and spent a lot of time questioning the values of ana, and trying to recover from this disease.
But, it's not something that I can do by myself, and after a few days of eating normally again, I realise how much I cannot do this alone, but more importantly, how much I really need and love ana.
This disease tears you apart, literally, and it makes you question the valuablity of your life, I'm not even joking.
So many times, I have tried to escape this, but I really cannot do this alone. And, I don't even want to. The need to be thin is, and has always been, greater than anything else. And, I'm don't want to sacrifice this. Ever.
I'm also recently vegetarian, and I'm stoked about it. Been about two weeks so far, and I love it so much. It was meant for a way to loose weight and stuff, but has turned into so so so much more. It's like, a new obsession kinda. I mean, its hard sometimes, having to cook my own meals all the time and stuff, but that way, I control everything that goes into it, the calories, the fat, everything. And it's control that I control, and utimatly love.
Doing a 5km run with my Mum on Saturday, for mothers day, cause running is her new like, obsession now that she's stopped drinking. And, I'm kind of nervous about it, because I don't want my mom to outrun me, so I am going to run my ass off, and go as hard as I physically can.
I've also started up netball again which is good, although I have been binging before netball to give me that confidence to play well, but, it always seem to backfire on me, and I don't play well.
Am fasting atm, at least 24 hours, but am allowed a little bit before netball IF NEED BE tomorrow.
Had a coke zero today (1.8calorie) and am allowed one hot chocolate tonight (45calories) and then an up and go and powerade for netball tomorrow, and a coke zero too if I want :) so that I have enough calories in me to do my job at netball, and play outstoundingly. Hopefully anyway.
Just ran 7km on the cross trainer in practise for Sunday, about to go run at least 5km more.
Truth is, I missed blogging, and I'm excited to be back blogworld. Where I can bear my soul to no one in particular, and not have to worry about people running away when I tell them everything that I feel, which is like, my ultimate fear in life. Ever since I was a kid, I've always had huge trust issues, but when I'm blogging, I don't care if anyone reads, but if they do, they wouldn't know who I was. And, in a way, it's like I'm telling the whole world about my anorexia and everything else, but then, at the same time, I am telling noone. And I love that.
I'm off to run now. Will definatly blog again soon my babes. Ana LOVE
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