Goddamnit, I'm going to do all I can to get you to notice me again, and if not, get someone else too. I'm sick of sleeping alone. I always get what I want, and I'm determined to make this no different.

Hah, guess I didn't fuck up that much last night after all.

Aside from getting insanely annoyed at an immature drunk girl who blamed "only eating lunch today" for getting so drunk off two RTD's, when I hadn't eaten in two days and was fine all night, and you ignoring me completely, last night was a good night. Our carol stirred up a lot of shit and I got people coming up to me all night saying how "cute" we are and how they "knew we'd get together." Oops. I even (I have no idea why) had the audacity to send you a text apologising for it, to which I get an "algood." Bastard. And you'd rather run around naked with a bunch of boys then sit down and talk to me and try to figure shit out. For some reason, I really actually believed that we could sort it out last night and be friends. I guess it doesn't help that I had a dream that we burried the hatches and decided to start over again. Whatever. I'll have you know that last night I went for a walk and a cigarette, ended up meeting a cute guy and making out with him all night. And whilst we were sitting outside the hostel, the girl you like rolled in from another boys flat, and at that moment I didn't actually hate her because I was too busy being stoked that you were sleeping alone tonight whilst we were both out with other boys. Sorry man. You know, I've had a few one night things in my time, and the only time it hurt to say goodbye was with you. Foodwise, last night was crap and I'm eating again today (b/c hopefully will get someone to drink with me ugh). Ended up eating: corn beef w/ salad vegetables, brocolli and turkey oreo cheesecake. I think I purged some of it but I don't really remember. Funnily enough, also, O last night, the person I drunkingly confided about my ed to, asked me if I'd eaten today. I was like, uh, hello, were you at the same feast dinner as me, or..? Idiot. And now she wants nothing to do with me, like, ever, because of my ed, because I got out of hand last weekend. Comparatively, I was on good behaviour last night (ok, besides hooking up with a random), and still, no matter what I do I'll never be able to get things back to the way she saw me before. That fucking sucks and I think it's pretty damned selfish on her behalf. The only reason I told her was because I purged blood again that night, and because I was so drunk it freaked me out even more, and I didn't know what to do, so I asked for help. Whatever, if you're going to be like that, man, see if I care. It's not my fault. So yeah, time to do some study in the library, grab some food, go back home, eat, study and start my fast. I don't know what I'm doing tonight but for some reason I'm in a very confrontational mood right now, which is very unlike me. All I want to do is talk to you and ask you straight out why you're being such an asshole to me. Who knows, maybe I'll find out tonight, maybe not. Annoyingly, a part of me still likes you and wants to be with you. If I could, I would kill that part in the most brutal way humanly possible, because I didn't think it was possible, but somehow you managed to break my heart. So congradufuckinglations, I hope you're happy with yourself.

300 liquid calories later, I'm ready and rearing for mid winter Christmas. Our song is amazing and it's surely going to fuck M off which makes things even better at this point. I don't even know, nodoz and caffeine always makes me very hyper, but I'm ready for a good night and I don't know if I'll keep to my sober-ish promise because I've been playing beer pong for the last hour and there's an open bar and stuff, but who knows. Maybe one day I'll learn how to behave, my bets are just that this day isn't today. Whoops. Forgive me in advance and prepare yourself for a post in the morning of how badly I fucked something up/someone over tonight. Keep ya eyes peeled. Hope everyone has a good day/night. All my love.

A loss is a loss, right?

Got super depressed when I weighed myself this morning... after 526 liquid calories and purging 190 of them in the shower, I was only down 0.1kg. 100 motherfucking grams. Crazy. I was super upset but whatever. I made it through two days and I haven’t eaten yet today. I’m in the library again and will be at uni until 4pm, then I have feast dinner and whatever. I might eat on Friday as well, then start a new fast until Monday/Tuesday, but I’m not sure yet. I can’t restrict for my life. I don’t even know. 64.9kg. So bittersweet. Annoying because all of my hard work in the last two days didn’t pay off, yet somewhat relieving because it (albeit stupidly) seems like a big step down from 65. I don’t know, whatever. Hopefully I don’t get too drunk tonight because that will prove to be detrimental and will ruin everything. I’ve always thought I could handle my alcohol well, even when I’ve been fasting, but the last two weeks have proved me wrong there. Fuck. Only one way to find out, right? Until next time, :’)

Back into the comfort of the library.

Had my house meeting, and as a part of mid winter Christmas tomorrow, we have to take a song and modify it into a Christmas carol to our liking. Our house starts of ripping out ourselves, just because. So we were trying to find lines to fit everybody, and some cheeky shit asked about me and M, and said that he's always in my room, and then I got so much shit about what's going on between us. My line in the song now is "M is in C's room, boom boom boom boooooom." At first I was mortified because he is going to kill me. Then I realised that we're not on speaking terms anymore, and it's just fucking funny because no one in my house knows that we hooked up, and their all just assuming but it's great to see that they know me so well. He's absolutely going to hate me after this and not see the funny side of it, and I just realized that I don't even care. It also, of course, helps that it's totally going to fuck him off because of this new girl he's into. I'm so nervous and I'm not going to be able to sing it with a straight face, but I don't even care. I promised myself that I'd be good tomorrow night, but now I'm not so sure. Now I kind of want to get wasted and fuck shit up just to see the look on his face and say a final goodbye. Who knows where the nights going to go tomorrow. the only thing that I for certain is that I'm not going to end up in his bed again in the morning, and for once, I'm completely okay with that.

Bitch you can have my sloppy seconds. I don't want him back anymore. I don't deserve him back anyways.

So fucking knackered.

Haven't slept or eaten yet today. I have so far had my chocolate milk (208), soup (45) and another soup (78)and will probably have another 45 calorie soup if I ever make it to the library and back. I have a house meeting tonight before dinner, and I have been told that "the meeting is compulsary and so is dinner." It's steak and cheese pie tonight. Here, that is the epitome of good meals. I don't want to go. I should be in the library now. Ideally, I would. Uhhh. Had to go to the supermarket to buy presents for mid winter Christmas tomorrow night. I ended up buying some lower calorie versions of the chocolate milk (150 as opposed to 208) and some chewing gum. I was so close to buying food. And I'm still not entirely sure that I'm not going to eat tonight. That's why I need to get to the library right now. Then I can come home, shower, sleep, bed. It's almost been 36 hours since my last meal. And I don't care. I feel empty but not in a good way. I thought that this fast, with me finding an exit clause after the weeks antics, would make me happy. But I'm more depressed then ever, and I don't know what to do. Just fuck everything, you know?

HAHA HA HA HAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHA HAHA Ha. PLEASE tell me that this is going to work out. PLEASE tell me that this fucked with your relationship/plans with her without me even trying. I'm going to be so depressed if this doesn't work out but if it does.. fucking wow I can't even.. I'd explain, but I don't want to jinx it. I want to see if this'll work out for me by itself, without my manipulation.

Ugh.

Woke up at 5am this morning to a friend texting me in tears about the boy she likes not liking her back. Preaching to the choir. Couldn't get back to sleep after that, and once I put the thought of weighing myself into my head last night, I couldn't get it out. So I weighed myself and... 65.0kg of pure and utter fat. Ew. By now it was close to 6am, so I went for a walk and a cigarette which turned into a little run. I use the words "little" and "run" lightly because I am not a runner. Hell, I'm not a mover. I decided to switch around my intake for today, opting for my 208calorie chocolate milk to wake me up now, rather than as a reward later. Also had a black coffee, and oop, was in the library again by 8:30am. Planning to miss some of my lectures that aren't important and hibernate in the library until 2pm when I have a lecture that I should really go too, then I have to walk down to the mall to pick up a secret Santa present for mid winter Christmas tomorrow night. With any luck, I won't buy any food because I'm broke as fuck at this point, but I guess we'll see how that goes. Then a little rest and clean my room, then I plan on coming back to the library at around 5pm, staying untl 8pm, going home, fucking around, sleeping, and getting ready to do it all again tomorrow. Ugh cannot believe I let myself gain this much, and with exams coming up in two weeks time, and me going "home" in three weeks, I know I'll have to eat. Planning on buying a box of cereal and some salads or something to get me through exams alright, but I guess I'll have to wait and see how that turns out. Alls I know is that if I gain anymore than this, I'm fucked, and after a days worth of fasting, my stomach is kinda growling about it. Good thing I brought some appetite suppressents with me to try and combat that. At 180cm, 65kg puts me at a "healthy" BMI of 19. "Healthy." "Normal." It's not healthy to be this fat. I'd die to be thin. I will die to be thin

Fml.

Can I just have a moments silence for reading through my blog and being on the verge of tears at realizing how thin I was, but also that I was happy. The lowest weight I read that I was was 55kg, but I'm pretty sure I got a bit lower. Since "recovery" I've been on the verge of 70kg on my worst days, and 61kg on my best. Triggered triggered triggered. I have to lose all of this weight again. I can't stand being bigger than I was before. I will be thin.

Wow. It's been a long time, but for some reason I always keep coming back to this blog. For better or for worse. Everything has kind of fucked up lately and it's all my fault. After a few days not eating, I went drinking and ended up fainting/comaing/passing out and everyone knew it was because I hadn't been eating right. That was on Thursday, then on Saturday night I went drinking again, still having not eaten. My friend made me eat a little pastry thing and I immediately went and purged it, purging blood. Then I freaked out, got more drunk and ended up confessing my eating issues to her and God knows who else. She said she'd start taking me to dinners, and the next night, true to her word, she did. I barely ate dinner (neither did she, the food was nasty) and immediately purged what I did eat. She freaked out, and I think she got quite mad at me for putting her through what I did. However, she could not be madder at me than I was, I was so furious for drunkingly spilling everything. Not just because it blew my secret, but mostly because it was not fair of me to put all of that on her like I did. I've since apologised and I hope we're ok. Then my best friend found my tumblr again and things kind of fucked up there. I really hope I was able to mend that properly because she means the most to me in the entire world. I have since deleted my tumblr. The guy that I claimed to like a few posts ago and I ended up having sex, the day he broke up with his girlfriend, and two days after having drunkenly kissed for the first time. Now we don't really talk anymore, in the sense that neither of us go out of our way to talk to one another, and now he likes someone else. And I'm getting to be okay with that, I really am. I'm trying to focus on me for a while. So far today I've had 353 calories in the form of two instant soups (45 each) a chocolate milk drink (208) and a coffee (55). I was going to go down to the canteen and buy some noodles just for the sake of eating, but I think I'm just going to sleep instead. It's been a long day. I told myself I'd fast until Thursday night (60 hours) and so far I've almost made it through 24. But I don't know what tomorrow will hold, because after the events of the weekend, if someone makes me go to dinner, its probably best if I do. Otherwise, I plan to break the fast on mid winter Christmas feast dinner on Thursday. There is also an open bar, and each table is given three bottles of wine. Every time I get drunk lately, I fuck everything up, and its a huge wonder if/how I even have friends. I've put everyone through so much shit these past few weeks. If controling myself around food is hard, alcohol is even harder. But, for the sake of my friendships, I'm going to try and know when enough is enough. Also, if that's the first time I've eaten in 60 hours, my stomach won't be able to hold a lot of food, let alone alcohol. I don't know I have no idea what I weigh right now. I brought my scale down here when I went "home" for the holidays, and it didn't survive the flight fantastically, so I don't know. Maybe I have to try n a flat and hard surface, but that leaves only the shower or bathroom, which would mean me having to weigh myself really early in the morning. Which would mean me having to get up really early in the morning. Maybe I should try that tomorrow. Leaves a good reason for me to go to sleep now, I guess. I don't know if I'm back to this blog for good. I miss tumblr so much already, but it's such a distraction to me, and I have exams coming up soon. Tomorrow, all going well, I plan to mimic my day today, and go to the library to study rather than going to dinner. But who knows. At this point, there are so many other factors that could get in the way, that I just can't control anymore. So, goodbye for now, I guess.

He told me to eat, and for some reason, I did.

I'm going to skip day one of this and go straight to the two day fast. I'm far too fat. I can't stand this anymore, really. I WILL LOSE THIS WEIGHT AGAIN. I will lose it before I go back. I will be beautiful. For him.

Wow I've gone back to my old ways

On more than one account.
I've been ignoring this blog again, and back into the habit of starving, binging and purging. I spent all of today getting high and eating and I feel disgusting.
I weighed 66.7kg this morning (BMI: 20.1) and I've come back "home" for the next three weeks on holidays. I want to lose at least 10kg, putting me at roughly 57-58kg depending on how much I gained today, and therefore a BMI of 17.1-17.5 when I get back.

So, I swore off the food and begun fasting as of 12:30pm today.
Tomorrow I plan to go down to my local library, do a bit of shopping, get a starbucks (240 calories) and come home between 12:30-1pm. Then, I will either have some hot and spicy noodles (100) with vegetables (25) and cayenne pepper (10) sometime after 12:30, to prepare myself for a two day fast; bringing myself to a total of 375 for the day.
On Wednesday I'm supposed to be drinking with a friend, not eating before hand and if she starts preparing food I'm leaving.
I'll eat again on Thursday, maybe make a stir fry, have noodles, or a salad or something, and then am fasting for three days, and so on until I get up to five days, then I'll decide what I want to do from there.

Briefly, there's this guy that I like down at my hostel, we kind of have a thing (when we're drunk) - always holding hands, cuddling etc but he currently has a girlfriend who is not me. If I'm thin when he sees me next, maybe he'll change his mind. Maybe he'll want me instead. Maybe things will work out.
I'm losing all of this. I've done it before; this blog just shows that. I'll bloody well do it again. I don't care what I lose anymore as long as I lose the weight.

Well I can safety say that that was the most awkward night of my life.

Hahahahahahhahahaha I want to cry of awkwardness.

Cockblocked by a police, it was definitely a night of firsts for me. Including losing my virginity. I got what I wanted from him, he got what he thought he wanted from me, and now its all done and dusted. Over for good. I feel awkward and embarrassed but whats over is over and shit like that.

I'm fighting the urge to not eat right now. I want to get out of the house but I have nowhere to go.
My best friend is mad because I got back with my ex (albeit briefly)
I'm not going to text/facebook my ex after the awkwardness that was last night.
Everyone is working.

I need to get out of the house omg. The sadness of having no life.

Decision making time:

Reasons to do this:

1. I like you.
2. I want you to like me.
3. I'm 18 years old and I think its time.
4. You were my first everything else.
5. I'm sick of being the only one who hasn't done it everywhere I go.

Reasons not too:
1. I don't want you to see my body. (although it is night time.)
2. I don't want to disappoint you.
3. I'm so embarrassed.
4. I'm awkward as fuck.
5. I'm so scared that you'll leave me after this. (but I'm scared you'll leave me if I don't, anyway.)

Okay okay okay. I'm going to do it. I have the biggest butterflies and this is a really fucking stupid thing to do, but at the end of the day, I like you, and I'm sick of being the only v out of every body that I know.

P.S, I'm sorry I've been neglecting this blog so much lately. i'll report tomorrow about what happens tonight and what has been going on lately. Hope everyone is doing well. <3

Update:

Been terrible at posting lately. Been terrible at everything lately though, to be fair.

I worked all week last week, and have been out drinking every night since last Thursday. Tonight is the only night that I've actually spent at home.
Last night I hung out with two friends, D and S, and my friend C came also. D and S then left and me and C were chilling at the beach, drinking, smoking, talking and watching the sunset. Once they were gone, he spent most of the time cuddling me/holding my hand and kissing me with us both taking the piss out of each other. We then had to mission up to the shops to meet with D and S again, and the whole walk he was holding my hand and I kinda died a little. We went to a party afterwards, where we kind of both did our own thing, but I was stoked because at the end of the night, he stayed with me and didn't give me a reason to not trust him. He walked me home and we hugged and kissed some more and it was pretty cute :3

I'm meant to be meeting him at a party on Saturday night; one of his friends' leaving parties. I asked if it would be alright for me to get in and stuff, and he was like "of course, your my girlfriend." This I was, and am still not, aware of, but um, yeah. My best friend, however, wants me to go to town. Either way, I'm not eating until Saturday. Where ever I go, I need to not actually be a fat piece of lard. As hard as that is.

I've also finalized my move this year; I leave on Feb 13th. I don't want to go, but at least I'll be able to lose weight down there without the prying eyes of my best friend and my family.

So tomorrow I plan to have 180 liquid calories in the morning some time, and then clean my room, and put the finishing touches on my big move. I might be going out drinking that night, as my best friend owes me so much alcohol and so many cigarettes. Even then, ya'll can be sure that I won't be eating.
I need to be under 65kg by Saturday, which gives me 3 days to lose 2kg. Should be easy, but I guess we'll see.
I'

Wow. Just wow.

So last night was amazing. I went down to the beach with my best friend armed with cigarettes and alcohol and we chilled there and drunk for awhile. We even swam out to a raft with 2 drinks each and a packet of cigarettes and went and sat on a little raft 200m out in the ocean.

Then, C, the guy I like came to see me with his friends. Everyone was really wasted by this point. All night he was holding my hand, had his arm around me or was kissing my forehead. I felt so safe and protected, sitting there with his hand in mine, wearing his jacket. He spent the whole night telling me how beautiful I was, and that he'd be with me in a heartbeat. He's the biggest player out, so its not like I believe that for a second. But its nice to hear, I guess.
He walked me home, holding my hand all the way and kissed me goodnight. It was the cutest fucking thing that has ever happened to me, honestly.

Yesterday I ate a chicken and lettuce sandwich, and today I had a fucking potato top pie, and some chips. I might make noodles for dinner later, I'm not sure.

Omg I'm gonna die, that was the cutest night of my life. I'm still wearing his jacket, c:

Holy fucking shit.

Holy wow./ tomight was weird.

So, me and my best friend went swimming at a beach, and I the guy I like, 'C' where I was. He came down to see me with his friends. He spent the whole night calling me 'beautiful' and telling me not to be so down on myself when I said he was full of shit and that I should 'not be so down on myself,' because, (and I swear that this was pinky promished like !000 times) that I shouldn't doubt myself because I am really beautifu;/ He helf hands with me all night and kissed me right outside my house after walking me home. Holy fuck this isn't thinpo but I'm drunk and had my first kiss and shit like that so, fuck yeah.s

I have the biggest butterflies right now :3

So far today has been the greatest day.

Had a chicken sandwich and mocha so far today, and won't eat anymore tonight because I have no money in my account until Friday and neither does my best friend.
Feeling pretty hungry too, even though work was pretty chill today - it'll be busy in the next couple of days.

Hopefully going to the beach soon to go swim, which will burn a fair few calories in itself.

YAY.

Eep :3

Sorry for the lack of posting, its been a busy week so far!

Been working all week, which is good. Work = money and work = tough physical labour. It also means being reunited with my first real love, and things have been going pretty smoothly with that so far; its cute.

I haven't been eating whilst I'm working, normally just a moccachino in the morning and nothing for the rest of the day. Everyone questions my lack of eating but I really am not fussed at this point. Today I went to get high with a friend and brought a 6 inch subway, ate half a cookie pie and a few chips. Tomorrow I'm hoping for nothing.

Last night me and two friends got very drunk and met up with a guy who has a thing for me, and I've semi-agreed to sleep with him when he gets back from holiday on the 16th, although I am planning on pretending to have my period then, as immature as that is. It all just depends on how he treats me now that he thinks he's got me where he wants me. Especially considering that I can't stand to see my body naked, and I don't want anyone else to see it until I'm at least satisfied somewhat with it. I'm planning on restricting and fasting until then, just to be on the safe side.

Tomorrow is going to be my hardest day at work all week, but I'm still going to keep it to 1 caloried drink in the morning and then a shit load of 0 calorie/diet caffeine.

Going to have a cigarette and finish my cup of peppermint tea, then off to bed. Hope everyone is having a good week so far!

Eating plan:

Saturday:
2 x toast with marmite (200) and coffee (54)

Sunday:
Zero calories

Monday-Wednesday:
I liquid calorie drink at work (probably will be iced coffee/mocha)

Thursday:
Muesli bar (150 calories)if I need assistance getting through the day

Friday:
1 calorie high drink.
Toast if going out drinking

Saturday:
Coffee (54 calories)
Toast if going out drinking.

Rinse and repeat. Bitch I'm going to lose this weight.

I cannot wait to fast again.

Tomorrow I'm going out with a friend to get her hair dyed (kill me now) and she will probably make me eat but after that I'm fasting until C comes back from holiday - because even if I don't like him I'm going to make sure that he knows what he is missing.

All I want to do right now is not eat, and now is the perfect time for that because the holiday season has officially (albeit sadly) come to a close now, and I'm starting work again on Friday, then working all of next week. Unfortunately, my broke ass will only see about 6% of that money as the rest is going to my parents to pay back a loan I got over new years to pay for my drugs/cigarettes/alcohol.

Speaking of cigarettes, I'm unofficially quitting smoking because they have gone up in price to $16 and right now I literally only have $7 to my name. Shit. I miss them already.

Early morning tomorrow- have to take my cat to the vet as he has conjunctivitis, then going to the salon. Maybe I'll even be able to trick d into thinking I ate on the way to the vet so that I don't have to eat with her.. Now that's not silly..

Goodnight all, stay safe.

I always get to this point when I'm drunk.

Everyone just left my house, we never ended up making cupcakes, but I was forced into 2 packets of noodles (200 calories) and a chicken burger (???). But right now, I'm so fucking depressed.

My 'friends' stole all of my cigarettes so now I have nothing to calm me down.
I know I said that I was over 'C', but everytime I drink I get to the point where he is the onlyfuckingthing that I want. The only thing. I just want to kiss him and hug him and be with him until the end of the world.
I know for a fact that he isn't loyal to me, that he is texting and facebooking other girls telling them the same things that he told me. But I fell for it and now I can't get out.

Do you know what makes things worse? This guy who likes me is texting me right now about wanting to come see me and stuff. I can't even enjoy the attention because I'm so fucking caught up on C to do anything. I really just want to cry. I'm pathetic, I know. Sorry.

I don't want to jinx anything but this has been a pretty good year so far!

And its only three days in c:

Have been out drinking every night so far; just having chill nights drinking with my girls and it feels good!
I'm getting over that boy 'C' now, after reuniting with an old flame today. Seeing how others treat me, and then how he treats me really puts things into perspective.

I haven't binged so far this year, but I have been eating semi-normally, with around three meals a day, eating when I'm hungry and stopping when I'm full; so I guess that's a good thing. I still want to fast, but, as cliche and stupid as it sounds, my social life won't let me do that right now. I'm going to chill out on the going out and drinking after tonight, and get right back into fasting.
I don't know what I weigh right now, my electronic scale is broken and I don't trust my dial one. I'm guessing i'm between 64-65kg.

I'm also moving away from home this year to go to university elsewhere, so there I will hopefully be able to restrict , if not fast, and work out. I'm actually kind of excited, even though I know it will be a lonely year for me as I'm not good at making new friends.

Anyway, that's all for now. Going to chill and watch some tv now whilst my brother is out, and then friends are coming over to drink, and make cupcakes (see? -.- ) tonight. Should be pretty fun.

Happy new year!

So bring on 2012, right! I hope its a better year for all concerned.

Haven't been doing a lot lately, I'm still recovering from my new years eve ;p
My friend is for sure recovering, and deleted her tumblr, as did I.
My new year goal is to get to 48kg - which would be my lowest recorded weight.

I still like that boy, he still treats me just like one of his other booty calls, which fucks me off. Maybe it's time to let go.