Wow. It's been a long time, but for some reason I always keep coming back to this blog. For better or for worse. Everything has kind of fucked up lately and it's all my fault. After a few days not eating, I went drinking and ended up fainting/comaing/passing out and everyone knew it was because I hadn't been eating right. That was on Thursday, then on Saturday night I went drinking again, still having not eaten. My friend made me eat a little pastry thing and I immediately went and purged it, purging blood. Then I freaked out, got more drunk and ended up confessing my eating issues to her and God knows who else. She said she'd start taking me to dinners, and the next night, true to her word, she did. I barely ate dinner (neither did she, the food was nasty) and immediately purged what I did eat. She freaked out, and I think she got quite mad at me for putting her through what I did. However, she could not be madder at me than I was, I was so furious for drunkingly spilling everything. Not just because it blew my secret, but mostly because it was not fair of me to put all of that on her like I did. I've since apologised and I hope we're ok. Then my best friend found my tumblr again and things kind of fucked up there. I really hope I was able to mend that properly because she means the most to me in the entire world. I have since deleted my tumblr. The guy that I claimed to like a few posts ago and I ended up having sex, the day he broke up with his girlfriend, and two days after having drunkenly kissed for the first time. Now we don't really talk anymore, in the sense that neither of us go out of our way to talk to one another, and now he likes someone else. And I'm getting to be okay with that, I really am. I'm trying to focus on me for a while. So far today I've had 353 calories in the form of two instant soups (45 each) a chocolate milk drink (208) and a coffee (55). I was going to go down to the canteen and buy some noodles just for the sake of eating, but I think I'm just going to sleep instead. It's been a long day. I told myself I'd fast until Thursday night (60 hours) and so far I've almost made it through 24. But I don't know what tomorrow will hold, because after the events of the weekend, if someone makes me go to dinner, its probably best if I do. Otherwise, I plan to break the fast on mid winter Christmas feast dinner on Thursday. There is also an open bar, and each table is given three bottles of wine. Every time I get drunk lately, I fuck everything up, and its a huge wonder if/how I even have friends. I've put everyone through so much shit these past few weeks. If controling myself around food is hard, alcohol is even harder. But, for the sake of my friendships, I'm going to try and know when enough is enough. Also, if that's the first time I've eaten in 60 hours, my stomach won't be able to hold a lot of food, let alone alcohol. I don't know I have no idea what I weigh right now. I brought my scale down here when I went "home" for the holidays, and it didn't survive the flight fantastically, so I don't know. Maybe I have to try n a flat and hard surface, but that leaves only the shower or bathroom, which would mean me having to weigh myself really early in the morning. Which would mean me having to get up really early in the morning. Maybe I should try that tomorrow. Leaves a good reason for me to go to sleep now, I guess. I don't know if I'm back to this blog for good. I miss tumblr so much already, but it's such a distraction to me, and I have exams coming up soon. Tomorrow, all going well, I plan to mimic my day today, and go to the library to study rather than going to dinner. But who knows. At this point, there are so many other factors that could get in the way, that I just can't control anymore. So, goodbye for now, I guess.