Goddamnit, I'm going to do all I can to get you to notice me again, and if not, get someone else too. I'm sick of sleeping alone. I always get what I want, and I'm determined to make this no different.

Hah, guess I didn't fuck up that much last night after all.

Aside from getting insanely annoyed at an immature drunk girl who blamed "only eating lunch today" for getting so drunk off two RTD's, when I hadn't eaten in two days and was fine all night, and you ignoring me completely, last night was a good night. Our carol stirred up a lot of shit and I got people coming up to me all night saying how "cute" we are and how they "knew we'd get together." Oops. I even (I have no idea why) had the audacity to send you a text apologising for it, to which I get an "algood." Bastard. And you'd rather run around naked with a bunch of boys then sit down and talk to me and try to figure shit out. For some reason, I really actually believed that we could sort it out last night and be friends. I guess it doesn't help that I had a dream that we burried the hatches and decided to start over again. Whatever. I'll have you know that last night I went for a walk and a cigarette, ended up meeting a cute guy and making out with him all night. And whilst we were sitting outside the hostel, the girl you like rolled in from another boys flat, and at that moment I didn't actually hate her because I was too busy being stoked that you were sleeping alone tonight whilst we were both out with other boys. Sorry man. You know, I've had a few one night things in my time, and the only time it hurt to say goodbye was with you. Foodwise, last night was crap and I'm eating again today (b/c hopefully will get someone to drink with me ugh). Ended up eating: corn beef w/ salad vegetables, brocolli and turkey oreo cheesecake. I think I purged some of it but I don't really remember. Funnily enough, also, O last night, the person I drunkingly confided about my ed to, asked me if I'd eaten today. I was like, uh, hello, were you at the same feast dinner as me, or..? Idiot. And now she wants nothing to do with me, like, ever, because of my ed, because I got out of hand last weekend. Comparatively, I was on good behaviour last night (ok, besides hooking up with a random), and still, no matter what I do I'll never be able to get things back to the way she saw me before. That fucking sucks and I think it's pretty damned selfish on her behalf. The only reason I told her was because I purged blood again that night, and because I was so drunk it freaked me out even more, and I didn't know what to do, so I asked for help. Whatever, if you're going to be like that, man, see if I care. It's not my fault. So yeah, time to do some study in the library, grab some food, go back home, eat, study and start my fast. I don't know what I'm doing tonight but for some reason I'm in a very confrontational mood right now, which is very unlike me. All I want to do is talk to you and ask you straight out why you're being such an asshole to me. Who knows, maybe I'll find out tonight, maybe not. Annoyingly, a part of me still likes you and wants to be with you. If I could, I would kill that part in the most brutal way humanly possible, because I didn't think it was possible, but somehow you managed to break my heart. So congradufuckinglations, I hope you're happy with yourself.

300 liquid calories later, I'm ready and rearing for mid winter Christmas. Our song is amazing and it's surely going to fuck M off which makes things even better at this point. I don't even know, nodoz and caffeine always makes me very hyper, but I'm ready for a good night and I don't know if I'll keep to my sober-ish promise because I've been playing beer pong for the last hour and there's an open bar and stuff, but who knows. Maybe one day I'll learn how to behave, my bets are just that this day isn't today. Whoops. Forgive me in advance and prepare yourself for a post in the morning of how badly I fucked something up/someone over tonight. Keep ya eyes peeled. Hope everyone has a good day/night. All my love.

A loss is a loss, right?

Got super depressed when I weighed myself this morning... after 526 liquid calories and purging 190 of them in the shower, I was only down 0.1kg. 100 motherfucking grams. Crazy. I was super upset but whatever. I made it through two days and I haven’t eaten yet today. I’m in the library again and will be at uni until 4pm, then I have feast dinner and whatever. I might eat on Friday as well, then start a new fast until Monday/Tuesday, but I’m not sure yet. I can’t restrict for my life. I don’t even know. 64.9kg. So bittersweet. Annoying because all of my hard work in the last two days didn’t pay off, yet somewhat relieving because it (albeit stupidly) seems like a big step down from 65. I don’t know, whatever. Hopefully I don’t get too drunk tonight because that will prove to be detrimental and will ruin everything. I’ve always thought I could handle my alcohol well, even when I’ve been fasting, but the last two weeks have proved me wrong there. Fuck. Only one way to find out, right? Until next time, :’)

Back into the comfort of the library.

Had my house meeting, and as a part of mid winter Christmas tomorrow, we have to take a song and modify it into a Christmas carol to our liking. Our house starts of ripping out ourselves, just because. So we were trying to find lines to fit everybody, and some cheeky shit asked about me and M, and said that he's always in my room, and then I got so much shit about what's going on between us. My line in the song now is "M is in C's room, boom boom boom boooooom." At first I was mortified because he is going to kill me. Then I realised that we're not on speaking terms anymore, and it's just fucking funny because no one in my house knows that we hooked up, and their all just assuming but it's great to see that they know me so well. He's absolutely going to hate me after this and not see the funny side of it, and I just realized that I don't even care. It also, of course, helps that it's totally going to fuck him off because of this new girl he's into. I'm so nervous and I'm not going to be able to sing it with a straight face, but I don't even care. I promised myself that I'd be good tomorrow night, but now I'm not so sure. Now I kind of want to get wasted and fuck shit up just to see the look on his face and say a final goodbye. Who knows where the nights going to go tomorrow. the only thing that I for certain is that I'm not going to end up in his bed again in the morning, and for once, I'm completely okay with that.

Bitch you can have my sloppy seconds. I don't want him back anymore. I don't deserve him back anyways.

So fucking knackered.

Haven't slept or eaten yet today. I have so far had my chocolate milk (208), soup (45) and another soup (78)and will probably have another 45 calorie soup if I ever make it to the library and back. I have a house meeting tonight before dinner, and I have been told that "the meeting is compulsary and so is dinner." It's steak and cheese pie tonight. Here, that is the epitome of good meals. I don't want to go. I should be in the library now. Ideally, I would. Uhhh. Had to go to the supermarket to buy presents for mid winter Christmas tomorrow night. I ended up buying some lower calorie versions of the chocolate milk (150 as opposed to 208) and some chewing gum. I was so close to buying food. And I'm still not entirely sure that I'm not going to eat tonight. That's why I need to get to the library right now. Then I can come home, shower, sleep, bed. It's almost been 36 hours since my last meal. And I don't care. I feel empty but not in a good way. I thought that this fast, with me finding an exit clause after the weeks antics, would make me happy. But I'm more depressed then ever, and I don't know what to do. Just fuck everything, you know?