I don't suppose I've ever been to good at this, regular posting thing, have i?

I hate this disease

So, once again stuck between the world I know is right and the world that is Ana.
My parents confronted me AGAIN today about not eating, and how "thin" and "gaunt" I look, and how spmething must be wrong because I have a sore throat and am sick. I genuinly am sick. My throat hurts like a bitch. And, I've left dishes around the house to give the visual idea that I'm eating, and I ate a lot last night (chocolate and ice cream too, just so I didn't blow my cover) and, because I have a cold, there must be something wrong. I hate living at home sometimes.
The thing that is often misconcieved is that anorexics are depressed. Yeah, I had depression, but that was, (an always will be) a seprate issue to this.
I either eat and make them happy, or starve and make me happy. And I am happier then I have been in a while, as my waistline is shrinking. And that's what they don't understand. If i had a dollar for every time my dad asked me lately f I was being bullied, or if "everything is ok" and "noone is giving me trouble," I would be quite rich right mow. The truth of the mater is, I have never been bullied in my life, i promise.
Ad it's all because one of my friends said that I was being bulled to cover her own ass for a prank, that now my parents think I'm being bullied. For fucks sake.

I was planning to do a 4 and a bit day fast, and not eat until 12pm Saturday (started 8pm Monday) and it is now 8:48pm tuesday. I had coke zero, water and an up and go today, so my first day is completed. And I will definatly go until tomorrow, but. Don't know if I should drag this out for 4 days and worry my parents, or just have the 2 days and worry myself. I just don't know. Well, I know what I want to so, I just don't know what is right for everyone else. So, a big long prayer is needed tonight, to try an sort this out. Because, just as everything was becomming clearer; I'm totally lost again. And I don't know what to doo. What's best for me, or what's best for everyone aroun me. It's truethat sometimes you have to put yourself before others; but where is the line in that? When does it ever become clear? I really want to do this 4 day fast, and I think that I'm going to try and sleep this cold off tonight, go to school tomorrow (packing a big lunch, infront of my mum-to be disposed of of course) and then go tal to my neoghbour about babysitting at about 5pm, and say I fed the kids there. However, that could really backfire on me, if my parents went to go ask, or because I have a sneaking suspicion that mum is going to bring me home a huge calorie loaded meal, to eat for dinner. And I'm scare that they are going to force me to eat meat again, if they figure out that I only stopped eating it becausenof all the fat contents in meat. So much could go wrong, there's not a decision to be made that can not end with someone hurt. And; the other thing? I know I can't "cure" myself of this alone. It does lot work like that. If I decide to please my parents, shits going to hit the fan when I can't control my hatred for myself, and lash out on them, potentially.

Whattodo?whattodo? Wish me luck. I need to sort this out with the Lord, see where he stands. Hmm. Love to all.

Has been a confusing, enlighting, weird, crazy, lazy, boring, weekend - if that makes sense.
Made it to 55kgs, the Lord is good.
And hopefully I'll be there tomorrow, and I'll work so hard to get the last 5kgs off, before I reach my ultimate goal weight.
For so long, I have wanted to be 55kgs, and, with the Lord, he made that happen. He amazes me constantly.
Just 5 more kgs left to go, then I'm as low as I wanted. And when I make it there, I will reevaluate whether to stay there for awhile, or push lower and more beautiful. But, that decision is going to be made over many a prayers, and long nights of thinking and soul searching; so I can't let you know at this moment.

My sisters coming home on saturday, and the goal is to get 2kgs off before then. So; the plan.

Tomorrow;
-Breakfast: 54calorie coffee.
-Lunch: Nothing
-Dinner (before 7:30pm): 1 piece of toast, and soup (with added tabasco sauce to boost the old metabolism :)

Tuesday: LIQUID FAST DAY.
-Breakfast: 54 calorie coffee
-Lunch: Nothing
-Before netball: Up and Go (Like, 160calories or something like that)
-Dinner: Nothing, if I can get away with it.

Wednesday:
-Breakfast: Water (if I'm feeling good enough) or 54calorie coffee)
-Lunch: Nothing
-Dinner: Either cajun vegetables (like, 150calories- if that) OR noodles (approx 305calories)

Thursday:
-Breakfast: Coffee
-Lunch: Nothing
-Dinner: Vegetarian sausages and frozen vegetables (with tabasco sauce)

Friday: 40HR LIQUID FAST
-Breakfast: Preferably water, or coffee.
-Lunch: Nothing
-Dinner: Nothing. Can have another coffee or cup of tea sometime during the day though. Try to get coke zero, that would be such a winner!

Saturday:
-Nothing until 12pm
-Lunch: At 12pm, allowed porridge with brown sugar and some sort of reward IF achieved goal weight, (53/52kgs)
-Dinner: Might be babysitting, if so, nothing- fasting until Sunday night.
Thats the plan - will work out the hours of sat-sun fast later, if I am infact babysitting.

Might go out Friday night. Ana makes me really unsociable; but might go to the movies or something? Hmm, that'd be cool. Movies where I can get a coke zero and no food; but can act like I've eaten? Sweet, like that plan. Lets see where that one goes ;)

Haha, well I'll talk tomorrow;
Night bloggerworld. To the Lord; my Savior, my Hero, my Inspiration & my Life. <3
God Bless

Well, Hello there.

I don't want to jinx things, but I seem to be getting better at this whole; blogging every day thing.
So, I am liquid fasting today, 19 hours to go.
Everything went as planned today, had my coffee, and was going to have vita fresh juice instead of my up and go tomorrow, because I thought it was lower calorie, but i couldn't figure out what one serving was, and so i had a couple of sips before throwing it out. To counter balance that, I need to tip out some of my up and go tomorrow, so that my calorie balance doesn't go overboard.
Met the kids that I might be babysitting, this after noon. Such a nice family. Honest. I realllly hope I get the job. Good way to keep distracted from eating, good bit of excersize, and also, great way to help people. I want to do well atthis, their so nice, and they totally deserve a break.
Sooo, this fast was for me, the Lord, and control.
I want to see how i control myself after the 40hrs are up. Like, I'll either stick to having my porridge, and (depending on my morning weight) a couple of buiscets as a reward. And, thats the limit before netball.
After netball, depending on my plans for tomorrow night, I can have either vegetarian sausages and frozen veges, or salad. I'm leaning towards salad, haha. I'll have the sausages when I'm forced to eat. Hopefully I'm staying home tomorrow night, beccuase I don't want to put on weight. And I have 8 days to get to 53kgs.

WIll post how tomorrow goes; I'm hoping I will not have to post a post of faliure, hopefully its something that I can be proud of. That would be a first in the history of my saturdays.
I want this weekend to be the one where i don't gain weight. A weekend of discapline. A weekend of control. A weekend of shining. Lets see how it goes, shall we..? Wish me luck alll

Hey Ya'llllllll ;D

So another day down, another day sticking with the plan.
Had my 54 calorie coffee this morning, no lunch, nothing until dinner, where I had 2 vegetarian sausages (don't know exactly how many calories, but, from research, no more than 300) and half a thing of pita bread (about 200calories) and steamed vegetables, to which i added tobasco sauce (not very many calories at all really.) then, I had two buiscuits, simply because deprivation now will lead to binging later. Because of the time dad wanted to have dinner, my fast is running an hour late (will be from 8pm until 12pmsaturday) which makes it.. exactly 40hours, hahaa. So, thats half an hour shorter then it was meant to be (yeah in my other post i realize that i said it was a 38 hour fast, guess my calculation there was wrong lol)
but, 40 hours is good, and, if I can stick to that, I will be stoked. And, I WILL stick to that. I vow it to you know. I will make it. Until 12pm saturday.
Tomorrow I'm allowed my 54calorie coffee in the morning, and then, if needed, a tea (without milk). Then, saturday, hopefully I don't have to go to work, so I can sleep in. Either way, i can have one thing of porridge, and an up&go to break the fast. (If need be, I can have the up and go earlier, thats just my weekend limit.)

Was down to 55.5kgs today, which i'm impressed with. Hopefully I don't go overboard this weekend. I'm supposed to be going to a friends house for drinks on saturday, but I've found some semi low calorie drinks (like,175 per drink) and as long as the rest of my weekend is good, then I should remain, or loose (fingers crossed) over the weekend.

Gosh, I hate how this disease fucks with your social life. I hate lieing to people and not going out to dinner, or not going out to drinks, or not going to there house, because I'm in the middle of a fast, or just too afraid to eat. I hate that, but then, it will be worth it when I'm thin. And, soon, i will find ways to not eat, but still go out, since the old 'i've just eaten' never really works for me anymore :/

Well, I'm off. Going to visit the house that I might be babysitting tomorrow, hope i get the job. Excersizing and playing with kids, whilst feeling to guilty to feed my face. Great. And, a good way to tell my parents I already ate ;) things are looking good.
Post tomorrow when the hunger pangs set in, but I'm not breaking this fast, I'm very very determiind, to tell you the truth. Although its not long, by any stretch of the imagination, it is about as long as i can go for now, whilst keeping on radiating the illusion that I'm eating.
Oh, & I've been doing a lot of fake eating lately, like this morning i got a HEAP of (raw) pasta, and put it into a bowl with HEAPS of cheese and pasta sauce, and put it in the micowave to melt the cheese. Then, down the waste disposal all of it goes. Same with half a packet of biscuits and some mini pieces of cheesecake. I hate wasteing food, but, better 'wasted' then 'waisted.' And im going to make it up to my parents and stuff, got a jar of money (currently over $100) which I'm going to spend on presents for the family, and on charity. Was going to use it on a car, but this is so much more morally important. Got to give back to those who've given so much (even if some of it; ie food; ws unwilllingly) hhahah
ok, NOW i'm off.
Love to ana and the Lord, my Savior. This fast is for You, for giving me strength, hope, and for staying with me when I thought no one else would. Lord, this is for You. <3

Haha, whoops.

That last post was a bit of a fail wasn't it..? Guess thats what you get when you try to post photos off of your ipod. ^__^

Well, today went pretty much to plan. Did my water fast, 24hr, and was going to have soup for dinner. But, you know how I told you how concerned my parents (mum especially) is about my lack of eating? Yeah, well she wouldn't let me have just soup.
She was trying to get me to have soup AND salad AND veges AND pasta. Now, I love you Mum, but HELL NO.
So, i managed to get away with her making me a salad, and eating three pieces of brocolli. And I manaaged to take off most of the cheese she put on my salad, and had only a drop of salad dressing, and then faking full, saying how much I'd had to eat today.
I HATE lieing to my parents, and sometimes, I just wish that they'd understand. Understand that I do not want to kill myself, I just want to be thin. That when I eat, I am so unhappy and depressed, and I feel so free and alive when I'm starving, when my stomachs empty. I feel pure, happy and relieved of my gluttony sins.

OHOH, i also got a part time job baby sitting these kids in my street, and I will feel so guilty about eating there, that I most likely won't, so its a good way to stay active and not eat :)

Woke up without a loss this morning, bit of a gain really. Hard to tell when your scales aren't electronic. But, that was to be expected after my binge yesterday, so I wasn't too suprised, and turned that sadness into passion to work harder today :)

And so, here I am. I was having a bit of ann internal battle before, trying not to reach for a couple of buiscets or a small cheesecake for reward. Then, I bargined saying if I didn't have that, then I could have a tea. But, I managed to talk myself out of both of them, which I am pretty fucking stooked about really :D

So, the plan for tomorrow is my 54calroie coffee in the morning, then put dishes and stuff around the house to look as though I have eaten, and then either have soup and toast (soup;41 calories, toast.?) or vegetarian sausages and frozen vegetables (sausages are slightly higher in calories, but would be better at putting on the act of eating, before gearing up for my (awkward) 38hour fast.
Gosh, I need a name for it. 38hr fast just sounds so retarded.
Hm, will think about that one. My water fast was a 'Fast for the Lord and Me' signifing that I was fasting for Him, to show my apologies for my sins and binging so much last week, and for me to realise how strong that I can be.
So, I need a good name for this one; but, I'll find one.
Off to go play some computer games or SOMETHING before bed, to stop me consuming any moer calories. Hmm, might even get some study done. HAHAH Thats a novel concept.

For now, goodbyyye <3
Will talk tomorowoowowowo (yo) Right, this hungers got to me (LOVES IT) :L Kbye now

Hmm

Well, this is either going to come up with a bunch of Nicole Richie thinspiration pics, or a whole bunch of random letters, I dunno which.
I guess that's what you get posting off an iPod touch :D lol. Well, I hope it was the pics that came up. Nicole richie is my ultimate idol, and thinspo, I love her. And I'm more determine now then ever, to do this, beat the binging and just get back to Ana my love <3 tomorrow I will show my love with a water fast, and I can feelthe high already. Eeeep! :D
well, I'm off now, in order to stay on track, I'm planning to post more often, so talk tomorrow yar? Loveyou ana and my Lord. Thankyou for being with me every step of the way <3

Everything in moderation...

HAHA yeah right. If I eat anything, I'll eat everything. So, I eat nothing.
Which is the story for tomorrow after such a fail day today.
24hour waterfast, and blast on the cross trainer tomorrow. Lately on the cross trainer I have been doing a high, more calorie burning programme. But that will only give me tree trunks where my legs should be. So, instead I;m worrying less about calories, more about working up a sweat and getting my legs thinner, on longer, lower programmes.

GRR. Was just reading this other blog, trying to find some more thinspo (which, if I might add, was such a fail- the only good pro ana blog i have ever found is 'Ana regzing's dieing to be thin' which I have read and re-read more times imaginable, haha.) and anyway, on this chicks blog, she was talking about how she is an 'aspiring anorexic' and 'can't let ana completly run her life' and shit. ZOMG. If theres one thing that really pisses sme off, its wannarexics. Like, people who want to be anorexic, and obviously don't understand the seriousness of this disease. If I havent't said this before, this is NOT the life i would choose for myself; but its out of my hands. And I would not want anybody to have this lifestyle, let alone WILLINGLY. Like, what the fuck? Pisses me off to the max, that someone would take something so seriously, so lightly, and actually aspire to get this disease. GRGGRGR.
K, my little rage is over, haha. Sorry.

Well, I'm on a fast to loose 7kgs by Sunday the 20th (when my sister gets back from college for two weeks.) That means that, in the great scheme of things, i need to get my ass into gear, to loose 7kgs (to be 53kgs) in 12days. Doable, if i put my mind to it, work hard and pray hard. :)
So, it sounds like time to make me a plaaaaan :D

Wednesday 9thWater fasting until 7:30pm (24hr)
THEN; small dinner on Wednesday, of 41calorie soup and toast
Thursday 10th 54 calorie coffee in the morning
THEN; small dinner (finish eating at 7:30pm) to set up for the next fast.
From 7:30pm Thursday -> 7:30pm Friday, liquid fast, allowed 54 calorie coffee on Friday morning, then no food. If staying in Friday night, no food or liquid calories, only water, until 12pm Saturday before netball (making it into a 38hour fast.) Although this is an awkward number of hours to fast, its the most that I can fast, before I have to eat a little something for netball, so I don't really have much of a choice.

HOWEVER; slight problem, might be going out for drinks on Friday night, but then if i am, i can keep to lliquids (hopefully) and steer clear of many drinks, with the excuse that I have netball tomorrow. I think the drinks i have are 220ish calories ( cant remmebr off the top of my head) but If i limit myself to two drinks, + my 54calorie coffee, then i shouldn't have to many calories.

SOOO thats my plan for the rest of the week, will let ya know how it goes;
7kgs in 12days. Sounds do able.. right?

I'm doomed.

So, i'm still on my liquid fast, still only had a hot chocolate.
And I'm in deep trouble.
I was upstairs sitting with mum, when she randomly asks me "how much weight i've lost' I said none, I have the scales with me, and i haven't lost anything.
then she goes 'you've lost a lot of weight, and its not good'
i told her i hadn't, but she just ignored me and went back to reading.
Well, what the fuck, seriously. They don't even notice when i loose 10kgs, which i did a while earlier, but when i loose 4kgs in one week, i all of a sudden cause the biggest fuss.
And now i'm fucked. I don't know where to go from here, I can't stop ana, just when I'm loosing again. I don't want to eat, I've come to hate eating again, and i CAN'T put on any more weight.
I don't know what to do, and now i'm just fucked.
Lord, please help me get through this. I need Your strength and help to get through this without hurting my family, but I don't want to risk hurting myself by putting on more weight either. I don't know where to go from here.

Morning ;)

Hey, so on a liquid fast until 7:30pm today (24hour) and so far had a hot chocolate, which was roughly 300 calories, (but the fucking cafe doesn't have the nutritional information on the website. Grr! Isn't that fucking illegal or something?

Was reading "dying to be thin" - that blog i was talking about, last night, and she really does face many of the same situations that I do.
Like, my best friend "D" and I have been friends for aages, and she knows almost everything about me. She doesn't know about my ED persay, but she knows that I'm not comfortable with my body, and that that could lead to something more. And, i love to hang out with her, and like, the other week we were at the movies. And she refuses to eat unless I eat. She really wanted some subway, and asked if I was going to have one too. I said no thanks, and so she said she wasn't going to have one anymore. GRR. And of course that make me feel guilty, so I ended up with a FUCKING FOOT LONG vegetable sub.
This happens all the time, even If i'm at her house around her parents and everyone, if i refuse to eat, so does she. I want to be like "fine, just don't eat, see if i care" kind of thing, but I can't, because always so terrifeid of someone finding out about my ED.
Hmm,.

Kwell anyway, I'm off. Mum;s going to make me go food shopping today, and my plan is to stock up on yuck muslei bars (that I won't eat, but my dad will) and lots of low calorie juices and snacks. I think she's going to make me go to the supermarket where the guy I used to have a massive thing for works, at the checkout, no less. GRR. If HE knows what I'm eating, and sees all the food my family eats, he's going to thinki I'm a fat fucking whale. GRGRGRGR

Hello Ana's

Sorry, my promise to blog more hasn't really come through so much yet..has it? Whoops, sorry.
Well, I'm glad to say that ana is back, and back to stay <3 After looking in the mirror on Tuesday (?) night, and seeing my fat fucking reflection, I decided it was time to take some serious action, and so i did. Since wednesday (now saturday) i have lost at least 3kgs. Water fasted 24 hours yesterday, then liquid fasted another like, 17, before having to eat before netball. Had to much, bread mainly, carbs - not so good.
And my poor shrinking stomach felt so sore after days of being starved, to suddenly being full. But the thing is, my parents are very much on to me. As well as others. At netball today, my best friend 'N' and her mum were talking to my mum, and both said i was 'too skinny.'
And my parents, all week, have been talking about how little I'm eating and how concerend they are. To be honest, I don't think that they've caught on to my ED, because they don't want to admit that our 'happy little family' (which has never actually been so happy) has holes in it and is experiencing troubles. If anything, my mum will be onto it soon, but by then, I will have had time to fake my way through this.
Like, plan:
To keep my parents mind at ease, going to make some scrambled eggs with frozen vegetables, for dinner before 7pm, and then liquid fast until 7pm tomorrow.
Then, suggest that we go food shopping sometime tomorrow, and buy lots of juices and sub 100 calorie snacks and juices (which i shall research soon) and stock up on those. I know mum will ensure that we buy some easy snack food, like chips and muslei chocoloate bars, but thats ok with me. To be honest, I've felt so strong lately, its crazy, i'm loving it. And i've said 'no' to quite a considerbale amount of food, that I normally would have no second thoughts about eating. And, you know what they say, everytime you say 'no thank you' you say 'yes please' to thin.
I'm aiming to be 55kgs on friday, with which I shall reward myself with a powerade on saturday for netball. For then, I'm going to try and stay there for the weekend, with sensible 'normalISH' eating, before trying to get to my ultimate goal of 50kgs. I know its not going to be easy, not easy at all. But i have to do it.

I'd die to be thin.
I will die to be thin.

Oh,& I'm back into reading 'ana regzig's' blog. I have to say, It is one of the most insperational things I have ever read. She;s quite like me, like, God is number one for her, for me too.
And she's very real, she isn't perfect, she has fails and struggles and doubts and attempts to escape from ana, but, who doesn't? It's honesty so thinspirational, and that is partly what helped me get back on track.
I really recomend you check it out, google 'dieing to be thin' ;)
Thats all for now, night ana's. Off to make my killer scrambled eggs and sit down with my cold water and watch a movie, and gear up for my liquid fast tomorrow.
Thank you to the Lord for all his help this week. He is amazing, and I love Him with all of my heart. Nightall<3

Hello my lovelys (:

Been just over a month since I've last posted, yeah, sorry.
Been going alright lately, had my ups and downs a lot, and spent a lot of time questioning the values of ana, and trying to recover from this disease.
But, it's not something that I can do by myself, and after a few days of eating normally again, I realise how much I cannot do this alone, but more importantly, how much I really need and love ana.
This disease tears you apart, literally, and it makes you question the valuablity of your life, I'm not even joking.
So many times, I have tried to escape this, but I really cannot do this alone. And, I don't even want to. The need to be thin is, and has always been, greater than anything else. And, I'm don't want to sacrifice this. Ever.

I'm also recently vegetarian, and I'm stoked about it. Been about two weeks so far, and I love it so much. It was meant for a way to loose weight and stuff, but has turned into so so so much more. It's like, a new obsession kinda. I mean, its hard sometimes, having to cook my own meals all the time and stuff, but that way, I control everything that goes into it, the calories, the fat, everything. And it's control that I control, and utimatly love.

Doing a 5km run with my Mum on Saturday, for mothers day, cause running is her new like, obsession now that she's stopped drinking. And, I'm kind of nervous about it, because I don't want my mom to outrun me, so I am going to run my ass off, and go as hard as I physically can.
I've also started up netball again which is good, although I have been binging before netball to give me that confidence to play well, but, it always seem to backfire on me, and I don't play well.
Am fasting atm, at least 24 hours, but am allowed a little bit before netball IF NEED BE tomorrow.
Had a coke zero today (1.8calorie) and am allowed one hot chocolate tonight (45calories) and then an up and go and powerade for netball tomorrow, and a coke zero too if I want :) so that I have enough calories in me to do my job at netball, and play outstoundingly. Hopefully anyway.

Just ran 7km on the cross trainer in practise for Sunday, about to go run at least 5km more.

Truth is, I missed blogging, and I'm excited to be back blogworld. Where I can bear my soul to no one in particular, and not have to worry about people running away when I tell them everything that I feel, which is like, my ultimate fear in life. Ever since I was a kid, I've always had huge trust issues, but when I'm blogging, I don't care if anyone reads, but if they do, they wouldn't know who I was. And, in a way, it's like I'm telling the whole world about my anorexia and everything else, but then, at the same time, I am telling noone. And I love that.

I'm off to run now. Will definatly blog again soon my babes. Ana LOVE

Right;

So, the last two days have gone really good. I haven't broken my plateau yet, but I can tell I'm loosing weight and the size of my stomach is on the shrink ;)
You know how I said that Monday was going to be my first day of ana again? Haha, yeah well, that failed. Had my soup, and then had about half of the contents of the pantry, rofl. Well, not rofl at the time, but its undoubtable that I have grown from that, and am over that immature shit now.
So, didn't had a calorie deficet yesterday, had a coffee this morning and nothing else, and will have dinner sooon :/
Vegetarian on Monday. Can't waiiit. Thinking of going vegan, so I can't stock up on cheese and shit, which have so much fat in them. But, I'll figure that out later down the line, because I have to prove to mum that I can cook vegetarian for myself, and cook me good food.
Sometimes, I hate living at home with anorexia, but then, I'm only 16, I can hardly move out. It wouldnt be good for me or my family, if I did.
So, me and ana are just going to have to live with staying at home.

Little rant; I HATE WANNAREXCIS.
(people who wish they were anorexic) Like really, this is not a fucking good thing, I constanly hate myself, and hurt myself, and cut myself and starve myself and push myself to the physical limit, in order to loose weight. I go for days at a time without eating, weeks even.
And, i have this friend at school, who "starves" herself for a day, meaning she doesn't eat during the school hours (so for like, 6 and a half hours) and then goes on and on and on about it.
Like, really. Noone really cares. Go make yourself a fucking sandwhich.
GRR. Nobody knows that I have ever been over a day without eating, with the exception of my mum, when i was "sick" and she foodstalked me for two days straight, until I caught on and ate.
Its so stupid, some people should thank their lucky stars that they aren't cursed with this.
But then again, how much of a blessing is it, when you get on the scale and find a big loss. The most rewarding thing ever.
You know what they say, every cloud has a silver lining.

Night for now, ana love.

Ana's BACK

Wow, it took me ages to log it to this, I freaked out because I thought I lost my account :/
Sorry I haven't posted in aaages, but I've been away on holiday until yesterday, was my first day back at school.
Holiday was so good, tried to get a long walk in everytime I could, only fasted for 2 days in the whole holidays though :/
Was 57kgs when I left to Australia, and now am 60kgs. And to be honest, I'm really impressed. Like, with the amount of alocohol I consumed especially, and Easter chocolate, I'm really lucky that I didn't gain more.

And, was meant to fast again today, but couldn't do it. Was first day back at school, felt sick, and just couldn't do it.
But tomorrow, ana is back, and back for good.
115calories tomorrow (1 pomegranate and lychee juice before school, and 45calorie soup before netball training)
and gunnah do anything to get out of having dinner, talk about how tired I am or some shit, and then no eating until Wednesday night, where I will have a little dinner.
I can not wait. I know I say that before every fast, but I truley cannot wait.
Just 10 more kg's until happiness, just 10 more kgs till perfection.
Cantwait.
But from all the shit I've been eating lately, its pretty obvious I've plateued (spelling? Sorry)
But Im willing to put in all of the work that I have to, to do this.
Infact, I am going vegetarian as of next week.
Told my parents I'm doing it for a month, as a way to see if I can do it.
But its more then that, its to avoid all of the fats in meat, and crap like that, but yeah.
truth is, I've been trying to give myself food poisoning lately, even Praying for it :/ just an attempt to hurt myself really. Eating raw chicken, hoping to throw up, hoping it will make me sick. Ceuse I really hate throwing up, i can't purge, makes me so depressed. Well, even more so.
But, i think going vego for a while will do me the world of good. :D
so, lots to look forward to in the next couple of weeks, if I work really hard, that is. Which, I can do. Just need to stay on track.

Starving for perfection, dying to be thin. The tales of ana. My physco, secret best friend. My deep secret that noone will ever know about. Ana my love, never leave me again.

Why hello there :)

As you can see, I am in a mighty good mood atm.
Down another kg this morning, so even closer to getting to my goal tomorrow. If I just keep loosing until I go, I'll be happy.
Got the day off school today, to chill and clean the house.
Plan is:
Lay in bed reading for an hour after waking up, with some coke zero.
Write down my list of calories in foods I will be likely to come across in Australia, and write what I am and am not allowed.
Watch some tv and do some situps/static leg workouts.
Do housework, energetically vaccum and clean the floors.
Have my water, saving my coffee for tonight.
Cook a frozen dinner, but throw it down the waste disposal, to make it look like I ate, so that I can get out of eating until the plane tomorrow.
Do more situps, start packing my stuff, and have a good, relaxing day :D
Post later. I'm hungry, so going to go do my hair.

Ana love xxxxxxxxxx

Hello Bloggers :)

So, completed another 3 day fast, from sunday to tonight, not eating till about 7:30pm tonight, so yeer allgood.
Down another kg this morning - The Lord is so good to me :)
Last day of school before my holiday tomorrow, seeing if I can get the day off and just chill at home and sleep and do some sit ups and work on the cross trainer, and, most importantly, not eat :D
If I stay home, then I'm allowed to have some coke zero, and then a coffee (45calories)
But if I go to school, then only allowed a coke zero in the morning, and nothing else (apart from water) all day and night, until I land is Australia tomorrow.
I really don't know how my logic there works, I guess its just because it's harder for me to resist food at home then it is at school, so I'll allow myself a coffee so that I can just have liquid calories.
Hopefully, if I push hard enough, and spend enough time dancing and doing situps and crosstrainering, I will be 55kgs by Friday. But if not, I'll just have to limit myself in what I eat over the Easter break, limiting myself to salads for dinner, fruit salads if we go out for dinner, and krispykreme donuts (which, btw, are AMAZING!) and I can't escape, cause my family know that (before ana) i absolutly loved.
And then, I must do situps in my room everynight, and shop heaps, and just resist food and alochol as much as possible, and hopefully won't come home with much of a gain.
And on that note, I'm going to go see what the lowest calorie alcohol that i can pretend to like, and the amount of calories in krispy kreme donuts and caeser salads, to prepare for my trip.
Lots of ana love.
xxxxxxx

Mwahahahah

So, today went really well. Only had water until about 4pm today, and then brought myself a coke zero (like 1calorie) and had that. So, intact for the day, 1calorie. Cool. And am out of dinner tonight, told mum I went up to the shops with mates and got dinner up there. Not all of which, is entirley a lie, I did go up to the shops, I just didn't eat anything. My friends brought donuts and these chips, that are totally amazing, but I managed to talk my way out of eating them, and doesn't seem like a suspicion was raised at all.
So, all set to fast all of tomorrow too, 4pm water fasting, then allowed some juice or milk or something with a few calories to burn off, at netball. Then, try as hard as possible to get out of dinner tomorrow night, and then water fast all of wednesday, and have something small for dinner wednesday night. If this doesn't get me under, I don't know what will.
Right, off now. Post later. Love from ana xxxxxxx

Blogger.com, I AM BACK.

Right. Turns out, I was just running away. Like fucking always, I was running away. and it's time to stop. I can't keep running as soon as something gets a little bit tough, and so I am back.
Heres the post I made on my other 'new' website, that I am no longer going to use :L

The red bracelet is back on my wrist, showing that ana is back, and is back forever. Never ever leave my side Ana. With your help, I will be 55kgs by Friday. With Ana and the Lord by my side, I cannot fail. I need you Lord and Ana. I cannot live without you by my side, and I know that now. I was wrong to ever think that you would ever try and hurt me.
Lord, I do not need the things of this world, only you. I don't need the food, the drinks, the calories, as long as I have you by my side. You are all that I need in this world, you are all that I have ever needed. I don't need to eat. Weak girls eat, fat people eat. I hate being fat.
I was meant to be fasting today, but was (quite literally) force fed a muffin this morning. And will be forced to have dinner tonight, but thats alright. Because tomorrow, its a big fast.
Water fasting all morning, until 4pm, then meant to be going to a friends house, and going to the dairy and stuff, so will bring just enough money for me to buy a Coke Zero. Then, when I come home, will say that I have already eaten, and so will not be made to eat anything. Then, waterfasting all Tuesday, until 4pm again, and then allowed a coffee or a lol cal drink of some sort, before netball training. Then, try to get out of dinner on Tuesday night, by saying how its too late to eat after netball, and having a long shower and taking ages to get ready for bed, to make it even later. That would make it a 2day fast. Then, no eating all of Wednesday again, until dinner where I would have run out of excuses not to eat dinner (hahaha, shit happens, doesn't it?) And, if I excersize and limit myself on the calorie drinks, and the food I eat on wednesday, I should finally beat the plateau and be under 60kgs. Then, on Thursday, no food again, and seeing that it is the last day of school, probably go out and do something with friends after school, where I must not buy any food, or any high calorie drinks, and again, will say that I had dinner with my friends. Then, Friday we are leaving, and won't eat anything all day, and (fingers crossed) be 55kgs by the time that I leave for the airport.

And If I'm not, I don't know what i will do. I'm sick of being fat and I'm sick of all of the binging. So, if I'm not 55kgs by Friday, I know I will end up doing something dramatic. Whether that be binging like a motherfucker, or doing somethiing way more dramatic and not in the form of eating, if you get my drift, then so be it. And I can't let myself down this time. I can't and I won't. This time, I refuse. I refuse I refuse I refuse.
Until next time, ana love.
Starve on skinnyminny xxxxxxxxxx

New website:

http://members.webs.com/MembersB/editAppPage.jsp?app=blog&pageID=169469005#blog/ is my new blog/website. I need a new start, a new change. I need to clear my mind for a while, and I can't do that with all this shit going down on this website.
But this blog, may have been one of the best things i've ever done :) Be sure to check out my new website. Ana love.

Dearest Ana,

I am so sorry that I am such a fat, useless kid.
And I promise you, that I will be 55kgs by the time that I leave for holiday on Friday (6days time.) That involves loosing, and keeping off, 5kgs.
If I do not do this, I no longer care what happens to me.
If I do not do this, maybe I'll....I'll have to.
I don't want to go on being this fat. And Fridays the limit. If not by then, then it's never. Then, I'm gone. I'm out. I'm done. I promise.

Wow.

Haven't posted anything in ages. Whoops.
Not been great lately. Fucked both of my ankles to the max. I can't even walk, let alone work out. It's been like this for like two weeks. Rage.
And I am trying to be under 60kgs by Saturday. Infact, I will be. Or the shit will hit the fan.

I have a netball tournament on saturday, and I am the only player who can play, and i can barley walk. Fuck.
And, going food shopping for my history trip aswell. (trips on tuesday) and everyones going to catch on if i don't get shit loads of lollies and chocolates and shit food that will eat away at me until i die of obeasity.
So, planning to buy some food, but not eat it. To give it away and chuck it out and leave it all in my bag, until i get home where I can dispose of it completly. I don't care how much money it costs me to loose, i just don't care. I don't want any of that food to touch my lips. None of it.
I hate this. I hate this confusion and I hate being fat. Why can't I just be thin. Babes, you will be. Ana will never let you down, Ana will never hurt you like food does. And, if you can't trust that, you know with all of your heart, that the Lord will never, ever let you down. With all of your heart, trust that. Trust Him. Show him your love, and He will never let you fall. The Lord is what I need. With him by my side, I can't fail.
I know this. I know I can trust the Lord and I know that I can trust Ana. But who I can't trust, is me. I'm the one shoving the food down my throat, I'm the one constantly hurting myself, both phisically and emotionally. And I don't know if I can trust myself to get it right after all these years of getting it wrong. I simply just, don't know.

Time to live life like you always imagined.

Fear less, hope more;
Eat less, chew more;
Whine less, breathe more;
Talk less, say more.
Doubt less, Pray more.
Have a good night all.

Decpite what I said in my last post, I really did have a good night. I have the most amazing friends, and I want them to be happy, and I want to not hold them back in anyway. I love them both, and I don't want to mess any of our friendships up by being selfish.

I am on the verge of breaking the 60kg barrior. Planning not to eat until dinner tomorrow night, but I'm meant to go driving, so may have a moccachino or an up and go before, so I don't loose concentration and crash :L not cool man.

I'm sorry for the rant in my last post. It wasn't even about my friends, it was about all of the shit I've been through in my life. Thats not a lie, among other things, I have trust issues, depression, a relicence on recreational drugs, and a childhood that haunts me to this day. But, like ive said before, the funny thing about life is that it goes on.
Yes, those things still effect me. And yes, I am only just starting to grow up and realise the extent of everything I've been through. And yes, I know that it won't get any better with me sitting on my fat ass and complaining. I have to do something about it- tell someone and get it off my chest. & I know I'm not quite ready for that yet. But when that day comes, it will change my life forever.
Lots of love, anaT xooxox

I guess I should be happy.

But somehow, I'm just now.
It could be the depression coming over me again. Fuck depression.
I should be happy, because I haven't had anything to eat since 7:30am thursay, (it is now 9:47pm Saturday) and for thursday and friday, i only had water, today, I had water and a moccachino (80calories.) And so tomorrow, at 7:30am, i will have done another 3 day fast, one that I didn't even plan on doing. I was to depressed to eat, so I made up every lie in the book + more so that I could't. I even went to the movies tonight with 2 of my goodfriends. They both brought takeaways for the movies, and offered me some, but i didn't have anything. Not even one liquid calorie passed my lips since like, 11am. Yet, somehow, I'm still not even happy.
Maybe it has something to do with the fact that I was dropped home from the movies first, and now I don't know what my 2 friends (1 girl 1 guy) are doing. For all I know they could be cruising around having fun without me. Its so obvious that shes crazy about him. And I think he kindof feels the same way. Little do either of them know, I like him too. Thats why I think I'm so upset. I feel like such a bitch for liking the same guy as my best friend, but I can't help it.
Ana has f*cked up my brain soo much. I no longer feel happy. I no longer feel complete. Im constantly tired and depressed, from the lack of calories ive consumed, but if I eat i will hate myself even more.
And my weight has even stopped going down, despite a comment i got tonight "you've lost so much weight" normally that would cheer me up radically, but no. Im so fucking useless, and Ive been stuck at 60kgs for about a week now. I have no right to call myself ana. Ana doesn't want me- ana doesn't need me. I hate this and I hate my life sometimes. Truley.
If youd known all the shit that Ive been through in my life, maybe you'd understand why I need ana. But thats just the thing. No one knows, no one understand, and no one cares. No one knows how long ive been depressed for. No one even knows about my antidepressents, my self harm, my f*cked up child hood. Let alone, nobody knows about ana. And sometimes it seems like noone even cares, Everyones stuck up in the teenage dramas. But this is so much more then that. It always has been, and it probably always will be. And I hate it. I push away the people I care about the most, simply because Im so afraid that they'll hurt me. Thats why I binge eat so much. Because Its pushing away ana. But, if I keep pushing everybody away, there will be a time when noone will come back. And I know that, I just don't know how to stop it.

Maybe one day, I'll have the courage to tell people whats been going on.
Maybe one day, they'll understand.
Maybe one day, I'll understand.
Maybe one day, it will all be ok.
But not today, not tonight.
Nothing is ok, nothing is right.
Will somebody take my hand, and stand by my side?
Before I slip away... forever...

Please Lord. Please help me. I need you now, so, so much.
Please help me stay in control of the one thing causing me all this pain - ana.
Please help me loose weight, in order to keep ana happy. In order to keep me happy.
Please. I need your help Lord, I can't do this alone.
I always need you Lord. I always did.
Please never forget that. I love you so much Lord.
You are what matters in life. I've been blinded for so long, by all the small things. But Your what i need. You and ana. I need You. I love You.

In some ways, I think ana has actually made me a better person.

Ana has truley taught me a lot of things. Thiings that will make life easier, and living with this disease easier.

Like, the funny thing about life, is that, it moves on. It always does, it always will. If you have a bad day, eat to much, or don't burn enough, yeah, it sucks and you should have controlled yourself better, but theres always tomorrow to prove your love and dedication to Ana.
With Ana and the Lord by your side, you can never go wrong. And thats the most comforting thought of them all.

I spend all of yesterday afternoon working out on the xtrainer, only to burn 620 calories, and do 250 situps. And injure my ankle. The thing is, thats going to have to do for now, because I don't have the time to work 1000calories everyday. But, I'm not going to give up, When I get my ass into gear, I'll get up at 6:15, burn 250/300 calories, then I can burn heaps more when I get home.
I also ate quite abit this morning, and so since tomorrow is Friday, decided to extend my Religious fast, so from 7:30am today, until at least 7:30am Saturday (but I know it will extend past then on Saturday, so will really be longer then 48hrs) I am religious fasting. For the Lord, and to get under 60kgs. Water fasting today and Friday, then liquid fasting for as long on Saturday as possible. Since I am going to the movies on Saturday, I am going to try and refrain from eating anything, and just have a coke(zero?) or something. And if that works, when I come home it'll be way after dinner, so will be able to go another day, and all of Sunday without actually eating anything. That, combined with the crosstrainer, I should be well under 60kgs on
Post later xoxoxo

ROFL

Just checked my BMI, came up with a message saying that my BMI is under 20, and I should see a GP, becasue I am underweight.
Bahahahahaha. Wtf would you know? :L

"Calories won't make you happy"

And don't I know it.

After quite a bad weekend, I still find myself on the dot of 60kgs. Hoping to break that this week.

Got the cross trainer yesterday, my parents are afraid I'm wearing it out already. If only they knew my plans..

So I haven't consumed any calories in the last 27hours, was planning to treat myself a bottle of apple juice for school, 100mL (45calories) and the rest diluted with water, if I got up at 6:30am to work out today.

Well, I tried the juice, YUCK. Too watered down even for my taste. And I didn't want to have a whole bottle of juice, so i just stuck with water. Like I have in the last 27hours.



So, I got up at 6:30am this morning, starting my new routine. Worked 20mins, 80calories. Then it was about time for me to get ready for school. But 80calories? (at this point i thought i was going to have my juice as a reward, and wanted a bigger deficet to start the day) so i worked another 5minutes and burned 20calories to make it an even hundred.

Took a chocolate egg to school today, so that I could give it away, and not have to eat it at home. Successful.

So was armed for the day with my ham and salad sandwhich and bottle of water.

By the first period of the day, my stomach was rumbling. You have no idea how tempted I was to eat my sandwhich. But I promised the Lord last night, that this fast would be for him, because my fri/sat fast was terrible. With that in mind, I gave my sandwhich away, without so much of a second glance from anybody.



Was planning to spend the afternoon on the cross trainer, but had a mountain of homework to do before wednesday, and considering I have netball tomorrow, I'm not going to have the time then. So, I spent time doing my homework, taking a short break to burn 20calories, another break to burn 30calories.

Total intake for the day so far: 0
Total burned for the day so far: 150
Deficte so far: 150calories. Cool.

Spent more time doing my homework, and waiting for a guy to come and fix the wall (who was an hour late. Honestly, terrible service. Especially when i was dieing for a workout)
But when he left, I went back onto the xtrainer, and burned 150 more calories, and did 100 situps.

So, in the last 27hours:
Intake: 0
Burned: 300calories
Deficet: 300calories.

Going to have dinner soon, roast chicken, rice and salad. Shouldn't make to much of a difference, so hopefully I wake up lighter tomorrow. Which I would LOVE, considering how terrible I look and feel right now.

Tomorrow: can wake up at normal time. No calories thoroughout the day, only water, until the afternoon. Burn at least 100 calories on crosstrainer, then can have either a yougurt, weetbix or up&go. All I know how many calories they are, (but not off the top of my head) so will burn the excess once i decide what to eat. And then a coffee or 100mLs of milk/juice if i need it, and off to netball, where I have to run hard to try and burn more. Come home, have 1piece of baked beans on toast, then bed.
Thats the plan.

Please Lord. Please help me loose this weight. I feel so ugly and fat, and I need to be thin. I need to be less so I can make You more. Please help me do this. All I have to be, is 50kgs. Thats all. Not dead, not bony. Please Lord. I love you.
xoxoox

Legends are made this way

Idea wise, this weekend has been a success.
Eating wise, not so much,

But, that is completly ok, because we brought a cross trainer today. And we are picking it up tomorrow, so is perfect for the beggining of the week.
Going to go on it everyday, twice a day at least two days a week, and burn at least 1000calories. If i need, I can have some weetbix, 45g worth, so that I don't die of loss of nutrition :L
Also, one of my friends wants me to go on this gym membership trial with her, 21 days for $21. I'm keen, the more excersize, the better. And, my other friend, 'C' wants me to go kickboxing with her once a week. I don't know if thats just all talk, cause she wants people to tell her she doesn't need to loose weight, but whatever, I have a way with twisting people around my little finger ;)

I'm so excited, and in that excitment, I ate quite alot today, after my 42hour Religious fast ended at 2pm today. But whatever, Ive been doing odd bits of excersize today, and with the cross trainer, I can just keep going until I can physically not work anymore. So whatever. Going to keep the calories low tomorrow, maybe do a 20 minute program on the new cross trainer in the early evening (Dad only wants me to go on for 20mins, 4 days a week. If only he knew about the marathon workouts I have planned for myself.. (; hahahah) and then probably another 20mintues on Monday morning, if it is unoccupied. If i do well enough on that, then instead of just water all day, I will allow myself dilute apple juice for school, to prep me for my first 1000 calorie workout on monday afternoon. Its going to take me awhile, and be harder with school work and study and everything. Just means I'm going to have to learn to arrange my time better - straight home from school and on to the crosstrainer, burn 1000 calories, then have cold shower, and do homework/study. Then, help cook dinner, eat dinner, do the dishes, blog, sleep, do it all again :)

Im so excited. For once in my life, Im thinking - stuff the weekend, bring on the week. I can't wait.

Wish me luck, I'll post how it goes.
Off to go clean my room. Yay.
Ana love xoxoxo

To make sense of last nights mess:

Yes, last night I was a bit of an emotional wreck..
After allowing myself dinner, instead of the opportunity for a 48hour fast, I did not stop eating. And then came the crying, and the cutting. And the drama. And the situps ;)
But, I'm fine now, and I have a new plan.

I am no longer eating during the day. Ever. Unless I absolutly have to, i.e, out with friends/family, going to netball etc.
But, before netball, I can have something (obviously) as long as I know how many calories are in it. I can have my weetbix, up and go's, yougurts etc. But only if i have to.
Then, religious fasting every Friday, for the day and night at least, longer if possible. Religious fasting is when I do not eat, i can either have liquids only, or water only, and I pray. A lot. They are designed to bring me closer to God, and for me to pray when I'm truley feeling weak.
And no more smoking cigerettes. It's not cute, especially for me to start so young.

So, I have had nothing but water, and 2 sips of lift today, going to have dinner in about an hour, and then nothing. And I'm excited for this, because I know that I can do this. I am going to be so skinny for the history trip. And for life. Im ready for this. And I'm excited. I know that I can do this. I think that the tears and the breakdowns are behind me, and I'm starting this with a positive attitude.
And hopefully, getting a cross trainer on Saturday. Well, looking at hiring one anyway, which is a start.

I know I was a mess last night, but I meant everything that I said. I think it sucks how some people just don't care, whilst I, and many others, are not able to eat anything without regreting it. But, I'm ok with that now. God has given me a chance for eternal happiness, and for what I have always wanted. And I'm not going to let that slip.
I will die to be thin. Wait, no. To die would defeat the puropse. I will be skinny, and I will be happy. LOVESIT ;)

what i hate:

I hate food, first of all.
I hate how ana controls my life, and how I can't eat anything without hating myself. I hate that I feel like im rebeling, or breaking free from ana, when i eat. But, i only ever end up hurting myself. Im feeling like that now "oh, you were good today, why don't you treat yourself to some food"
I hate that I can never just eat a little. its either all or nothing. I hate how I cant just be normal. I cant just be happy with the way that I look. I starve, i cut, i take drugs, anything, to try and change who I am. I hate all the tears, and all of the pain that i feel, because i feel so huge, like, all of the time. I hate that every time something starts to go right, i start loosing weight, I do something to muck it all up. I hate the lies, the tears and the pain. And i'm stopping it. Right now.

I have to think this, and plan this out, but ive got a plan. Post it later

Wohoo.

Finally, stuck to my restrictions today. Haven't had anything today, had cold water for breakfast, having my bottle of ice water now. Going to have my 152calorie weetbix at 5pm, then netball training tonight at 6:30pm. Going to split my weetbix up over half an hour though, and I should be ready and reering for my first training tonight :D

And even after my binges yesterday, I was only about 60.75kgs.
And I can see my ribs when I stretch.
:D:D:D

And my history trip that my 20day fast was originally for, is next month, 23rd of march. And so I should be good and skinny by then, to make "I" jealous :) Things are going good right now. And, because I stuck to todays diet plan, I know I can do it tomorrow and thursday, before my religious fast on Friday, which Im trying to do every Friday now, a fast for the Lord, to show Him how much I love Him and need Him, and thank him for everything He does for me.
You know what they say, "Man Does Not Live By Bread Alone" - Luke 4:4

Might blog later, otherwise, have a good night :)xoxoo

I can't believe this.

I fainted this morning. Yup, even after a little dinner last night. I fainted. All I remember was getting up to go to the bathroom this morning, and then I just blacked out, and all i remember is smashing my head on the wall, and falling onto the floor. Then I woke up with my mum above me, freaking out.
She gave me a lecture about eating, and how she doesn't want to see me skelatal.
And I don't want to hurt her. But I'll die to be thin.
So I ate normal today, but did heaps of running up the hill in my backyard. Just had 2 and a bit servings of fried rice, to make it look like i was eating. And i know, even though i didn't binge, Im going to put on weight tomorrow, from eating normally for one day.

But, tomorrow, back to the plan. I don't care if i faint a million times. I will die to be thin.
So, just my bottle of cold water in the morning, and nothing throughout the day, and 45g of weetbix when I get home from school. Thats it. Nothing else, except water, no exception. Im not going to put on more weight. You should have seen me when I came home from school today, and for the first time all year, I ate. I despised myself, until I did enough excersize to work most of it off. I don't want to hate myself. I just want to not eat, and excersize my fat ass off, and get thin.

I think we are going looking at cross trainers on saturday. Im honestly pushing it for all its worth. I need it. I need marathon workouts. Im already anticipating the high. And then I can eat more normally around mum, because I can work it all off and more.
Deficet in calories every day. Waking up every morning, with a loss.
I need this.
Please Lord xoxo

On the last day of the fast, I think im plateued :/

I think im stuck at 60.5kgs, haven't consumed more then 100 calories today, and burnt waaay more then that, but it hasnt shown on the scale :/
Well, will see what tomorrow brings i suppose. Don't get me wrong, I'm absolutly stocked to be 60.5kgs. I haven't weighed this little since I was probably about 10, no kidding.
I had the chance to miss dinner tonight and go for a swim with a mate, which would mean that I could extent this 3 day fast into a 4 day fast, but i didn't want to risk it, getting caught at this point, just when things are going good, would be sooo annoying. And besides, I don't want to faint at school tomorrow, from lack of calories :/
So having dinner tonight, which is a watermelon and feta salad, with chicken and rice, no garlic bread to defeat me, nothing. So will have a bit of that, will probably be forced into a marshmellow chocolate egg for desert, and then coompolsive figits, then off to bed. Mum and dad are stocked at my sisters room, and so if I go into work with them on saturday, I should get me a cross trainer :)

Well, thats the plan anyways :/ don't know if its totally going to work that way though raaage.

Mum brought me some weetbix fruity, which is 152calories per 45g serving. I thought that that was really good, until I realised how little 45g's is. Ohwell, will make a good snack for me, and also got some 190something calorie liquid drink things, kindof like up and go's, which I'm going to have every other day, and just water on the other days. Then, the weetbix is an afternoon treat, for especially after a marathon workout on the cross trainer, to put food back into my messed up metabolism. Or, they are for before netball training, so that i don't binge, and i don't over tire my body.

So, tomorrow the plan is 167calorie drink for breakfast, then nothing for lunch or afternoontea, then dinner.
Then tuesday, water in the morning for breakfast, then nothing all day, and 45g of weetbix afterschool, then dinner.
My plan is to alternate between that for the next week, and see what goes down in the weekend. Going to set up for a religious fast on Friday-Saturday, possibly Sunday if my weekend social life allows.
So restricting all week, fasting Friday & Saturday :)

Oh, and I have offically (well in 10 minutes time) gone three full days without eating. And, Im not even hungry. I can tell that my body is giving up a little, and my stomach is shrinking. I almost fainted just about every time that I stood up all day today.

But, other then that, all is good. And life is sweet as.

Praying for a loss on the scale tomorrow morning, after my 3day fast. Praying to be under 60kgs. Please Lord, make me less so I can make You more. I love you.

wish me luck for the week. xoxoox

day 20 :)

wohoo, made it to the end of the 20day fast.
Acomplished so much on this fast. Got so much confidence, lost 10kgs in 20days. Haven't eaten in 3 days, not eating until at least 7:30 tonight. I could go on so much longer, for at least a week I reckon, but the thing is, I don't want to risk it, Mums already onto the fact that I'm not eating.
But I had half a woodstock this morning as a reward, (was going to have the whole thing, but after 2days of nothing, it made my stomach feel funny. That and, it was only 8:30am, hahahah) and since then, I've only had water, and cleaned the house, annd my room. Its amazing the things you get done when you don't spend all your time preparing food :D i haven't gone three days without food since returning to ana, and i love it.
I don't even feel hungry, thats how i know i could keep doing this.
And, since ive cleaned my sisters room, and emptied everything, then my dad has to keep his his side of the bargian, and go look into getting a cross trainer next weekend, which means marathon workouts virtually every day.

And apart from getting so dizzy and nearly blacking out every time I stand up, things are going really good. i still feel really bad for ditching my friends for drinks last night, and lieing to everyone about what ive been doing this weekend, and what ive eaten. i hate lieing. And i know for a fact that when mum gets home she'll ask what ive eaten, and i have to lie.
Well, i think i am going to go cook some food, and throw it out, then leave the dishes, so that it makes it look like ive eaten. And im not going to eat it, theres no fucking way. and if i do, even just a taste? then i can just fuckoff and die of obesity. I need to be able to control myself, but i know i can.

Talk lateeeer, xoxoox

Decision made

So I decided to stay at home by myself tonight :/ I feel really bad about ditching my friends for the drinks tonight, but i was just about to have a shower, and caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror, and ana just took over. I can't go. So now I'm staying home all night and all tomorrow, no food. Todays ive had my water, 80calorie moccacino (excuse my spelling haha) 100mL of lmp, 44calories and water, and going to have a vanilla latte, 80calories. so going to finish the day with 204calories consumed. And ive burnt more then that today (ihope) hahahha so i should wake up with a loss in the morning, which will hopefully bring me under 60kgs, for the last day of the fast :D not eating till 7:30pm tomorrow night, i dont care what anyone says, im going to get thin.

Thinners the winner ;)

Have that nice, empty feeling going on right now. Loves it.

peacebitches xoxoxo

Fuckit, people are on to me.

This is day 19, second to last day of the fast, and i was planning to 3day fast it, to finish under 60kgs tomorrow.
so, i didn't eat yesterday, was planning not to eat today, or tomorrow until 7:30pm.
My mum left to go see my poppa today. Last thing she said before she left? Make sure you eat.
:/

Was going to have some friends over tonight and have drinks, but wasn't keen for all the calories that drinking brings. And now, my friend is talking about bringing over all this food. I was planing to tell everyone to eat before they came, but shes fucking on to that.
I have to choices, I either eat, and drink tonight, and just deal with the calories that I consume, and not reach my goal by tomorrow, or i can lie and say that they can't come over, not eat and spend the night alone, but loose weight by not eating or consuming many calories.
I hate this disease, it makes me so antifucking social sometimes, cause im so paranoid about not loosing any weight. Fuck.. i hate this.

And i think that i'm going to have to lie about this, and say that i had to go away for the weekend. Fuck this disease. Screwitscrewitscrewit. This makes me so alone and anti social.
Well, i have to get off of my ass and go do something. Blog later with my decision of what to dooo :/ xoxoox

Why do you tell me you care if your not going to stay?

Grr. Still mad at the whole "I" situation. Hes just ignoring me now, and blatently flirting with everyone else when I'm around. Not that I care anymore. Truly. The only 2 that i need in my life is the Lord and ana.

Omg, my friend "c" is the biggest wanna be anorexic I have ever met in my life.
Shes probably caught on to the fact that I don't eat at school, but when i see her out of school, I always come up with excuses why.
And now shes going on a 'diet,' and she was telling me all these exclusive things shes doing to make herself skinny, like no bread, only those crusket crackers. Then, I see her eating 5 cookies and a packet of chips every day this week. She just wanted everyone to think she was on a diet, so they could tell her how skinny she already is. Its so pathetic, like, she makes a big deal about trying to give her food away to somebody, and she'll make a huge scene around everybody. Its sooo annoying, truly.

Made a deal with my dad last night, if i clean out my sisters room (she left yesterday, for uni) then not this saturday, but next, he will go down and look at hire a crosstrainer. Im so keen, marathon workouts afterschool everyday, and on saturdays before im allowed to go out.
And, her rooms a bombsite, so that burns calories too.

Had a bad day today though, which is a shame, cause its almost the end of my 20day fast. I was so depressed, (no shock) and barley talked to anyone all day.
But isn't it funny, that theres always those few people who can cheer you up, when noone else can? It was the new people I sit with in maths class, they just cheered me up so much, so for a period, i was happy. But then, came home, and ate alot. 2pieces of toast, one with cheese and chicken, the other with a bit of cheese, and 2 bowls of vanilla icecream, and some frozen grapes. and a cookie i think, unless i spat that out before the binch got too bad :/
Don't think im going to reach under 60kgs by sunday :/ fml
TO DO:
Clean out sisters room, really well.
Freeze some more grapes.
Throw out all ice creams and junk foods in the house.
Get more of my a'dpills
Get under 60kgs.
By a pair of electronic scales.
Start getting happy.

God and ana, my loves <3

Day um.. 15? continued :D

Better mood now, sorry about all that :/
I swear alot, don't I? Especaially for someone as religious as myself. Goal* cut down on the swearing doll. *bigger goal *make it to 50kgs. Not dead, just skinny :)

Aaargh, my bodys beginning to fail on me lately. My fingernails are going blue, my metabolism is absolutly dead, i literally cant eat anything without it churning in my stomach for hours afterwards. And im constantly shivering, even when im not drinking my ice cold water ;)
its the middle of bloddy summer, its so hot and humid, and im shivering? people must think im off my nut. well, i probably am, aren't i?

ugh, was meant to be going out for dinner tonight, but everyones decided their too tired. I havent eating in 23+hrs now, and was going to have a salad or something, and lots of ice cold water, at the resteraunt tonight, but no.
They decided to order pizza instead. Oh crap. And i persisted that I didn't want anything, but dad ordered me a chicken pizza and some chicken pasta. THEFUCK? like i need that. well, im going to do the fake sick act again, and, at the MOST, have one piece, and maybe a frozen dinner (373ish calories) EWEWEWEW. I hate food.

Weak girls eat, fat people eat. I hate being fat. If I don't eat, I will get thin.
I need to be thin. I need it to be happy. <3

Day 15 of 20 day fast.

In such a bad mood.
My fucking ex, that i was talking about, "i", is back in the scene. I hate the way he makes me feel, i really do. Hes such a dick, he'll tell me how much he loves me, and hug me and crap, then go and flirt with everybody else. I can't stand it.
So, i wrote this, because I need to get thin to show him what lost:

You know what? FUCK YOU.
Fuck you for making me feel the way I do.
Fuck you for the times you hurt me.
Fuck you for the times you made me think you cared.
Fuck you for being with me, then going and flirting with her.
Fuck you for the times you made me laugh.
Fuck you for the times you made me cry.
Fuck you for making me fall in love.
Fuck you for making me believe you ever felt the same.
Fuck you for to this day, making me believe I stood a chance with you.
Fuck you for only being sweet when you were lonley.
Fuck you for trying to be cool around your mates.
Fuck you for thinking that I could never live without you.
Fuck you because you were wrong.
Fuck you because I don't need you.
Fuck you, because all I need is the Lord, and Ana.
Fuck you, I Don't want you back.

Oh, and when i was drinking the other day, i emailed myself (wtf? hha) saying how upset i was, becasue all the girls at the party were staring at me and bitching about me.
i talked to my friend about it (at the party) and she said they were probably just jealous. I wrote the email, saying how they shouldnt be jealous, im the one with an eating disorder, depression, an addiction tp perscription drugs, among other things. man.
thats depressing :/

well, 5 days left of this fast, which will bring me to sunday, where i should be under 60kgs. sweet.
if im not....? i don't even want to think about it.

Hahhahaha

Ohgosh. Drunk blogging? Eek.
Well, good night last night. I actually only ate a little bit of pasta salad, nothing else.
And woke up with a loss somehow? Cool. The Lord is good, thats how :)
Well, not eating anything tomorrow, but going out for dinner for my sisters last night, so will probably have a salad and ice water and thats all :)
No matter how drunk I was when I posted my last post (since deleted) I will be under 60kgs by Sunday. No more trials, no more reasons to eat.
I had heaps to eat today, in prep for my trials, which ended up being cancelled. So if i gain to much tomorrow, I'll only have water all day, otherwise liquids.
Cool.

Starve ooon bitch :D xxxxxx

OHFUCK

just googled how many calories in a bottle of smifnoff ice bottle - what i shall be drinking tomorrow.
228. OHFUCK.
That would be fine, if there was just going to be the one. But no. I have a four pack, which is the least of what I will be consuming. 228x4=912.
thats more calories then i normally eat in what, a WEEK.
Ew. Looks like someones either, going to be over 65kgs (wont be able to handle that) or faking drunk and flushing my drinks down the toilet (sucks, yes. But have to be thin? Yes.
Damn

Day 12 of 20day fast

Think I've put on more weight again. I was 63kgs, but binged on some chips and cookies and dinner tonight, even after a really good day of excersizing, netball trials for 2hours, then walking round the mall for three hours, with only a 239 calorie powerade in me. But, life goes on right? Theres always tomorrow to loose more.

Wanna know something funny? I asked my parents if they thought I had lost any weight, and they said no. WHAT THE FUCK. My pants feel obvioulsly looser, my tops cling less, and I have been genuinly feeling a little better about myself, with all the weight I've lost. But, no. Apparently its not enough. Its never enough man.

Its my sisters leaving party tomorrow. Going to try not to eat anything, just its going to be hard to avoid the alcohol. FOR FUCKS SAKE.
But, if im not forced to do it, I'll probably eat and drink just out of fucking depression. I can't believe shes leaving. shes truley the only one that understands me and everything ive been through - minus being aware of my eating disorder LOL
but i can't believe shes gone. I have to do her proud and make sure I look really good when I see her next :D
Im going to be under 60kgs by next saturday, thaats my goal. So that means loosing anything between 5 and 3 kgs next week. Sounds dooable.
Sweetas.

Well, Im going to go and drown myself in my fat sorrows, and brush my teethh to stop me from putting more food down my fat gob. I am thoroughly useless at life in general. Kcool.

Think thin. Hope tomorrow will be better <3

fuck

are people actually trying to ruin my life with food? OMG i hate it. Im going to drown in a puddle of fucking food one day.
Had pasta salad today, then dinner, then dad made me have an icecream (282 calories)
Funny thing is, I wouldn't have eaten the pasta salad or the icecream if it was fucking up to me. RAGE

ok, so i know this is only because people care about me, and worry that im not eating, but really, to be happy, i actually have to not eat, and loose weight every morning, otherwise the fucking world falls apart :/ aaaaaarh.

and tomorrow, im going to wake up with a big fucking gain, probably actually back over 65kgs, just because people won't let me live my own life. Honestly. I just want to be thin, I don't want to die. If I wanted to die, then I would simply kill myself a quicker way. I just want to be thin and happy. But people keen forcing food down my throat, which just makes everything so much worse. OMG i hate food.
my mind is so fucked up isn't it? hahaha i cant stop swearing, and this disease is just taking over completly. Every second of the day im just wondering what i can do to loose more calories, and how to convince people that i really am eating.
To be honest, this sucks. It sucks waking up every morning hating every inch of myself because I haven't lost enough weight. It sucks having to lie to your loved ones, because you simply cannot bear to put the food in your mouth. I wish i wasn't so f*cking fat. Honestly.
I hate this. And i have to wake up another morning with a gain. Probably over 65kgs. And, even though i can see it coming, i know its going to break me.
I hate this.

Please Lord, make some sort of abstract miracle happen, where i don't put on any weight tomorrow. I promise I will try harder to talk my way out of food, I promise to try harder, and do this for You Lord. I need to be less, so that I can make You more Lord. Pleasepleaseplease, don't make me have gained tomorrow. I won't be able to handle it if I have. If i gain, everything else will fall apart. Lord I can;t do this without you. Please help me? I love You with all of my heart.

omg

day.. not to sure what day of the fast this is hahah. Well its all recorded here so I'll check later.
But alls still going well with the fast, unfortunatly had to eat pasta salad for lunch today, my mums kinda catching on to me, and called me out for not eating much dinner.
But even after that for lunch, I'm still under 65kgs, which rocks.
Just found out that one of my best guy mates 'A' who went out with my friend 's' has been saying shit about me, trying to make her hate me. For fucks sake, Like i don't have enough going on right now. Fucker. I'm sooo pissed off atm.

But anyway, about to have dinner, I went through the efforts of making a really nice salad, with like 10veges in it, so will have that, then nothing till tomorrow night, when i have to eat for calories and energy for my big trial saturday, before which, i will have one piece of plain toast, and a powerade during :D then nothing till sunday hopefully :) sweeeetas.
got to go, write lateer

Right

So my aim was to be under 65kgs by today. And I briefly was, before putting on a kg after a day of normal eating. WTF.
So I water fasted all of yesterday, and most of today, until i was forced to eat a muslei bar at school by someone who thinks I never eat :L proved them wrong? yes. But broke the fast? yes.
However, That was still no more then 200 calories, so in the past two days, i had a definate calorie deficet. So now I'm having half a glass of milk (23calories ish) and doing my journal blog, writing to say that I MADE IT. Under 65kgs again. This time, way more convincingly though. But I'm a little worried, I have really important netball trials on saturday, which is going to need quite abit of energy to do successfully. Im always fucking paranoid of screwing up as it is. So, just going to eat dinner on friday, healthy aas, and then I will have a powerade or sandwhich or something, then run heaps to work it off. But my sister is fucking having drinks on sunday afternoon, and of course I want to be there, but alcohol has sooo many calories, so will all of the food. Fucksake. This weekend is going to suck, and i really have to watch it otherwise Im going to weigh more then I fuking already do.

S0 i really have to work hard tomorrow and thursday, to make as big of a loss as humanly possible, before having to eat on friday and saturday.

On that note, im going to practise my netball now :D
write lateeeer :)
xoxoxo

Day 6 of 20 day fast :)

Had a baad night last night.
Don't want to talk about it, thats between me and the Lord.
Might write about it sometime, but probably not.
But, had masses amounts of foods last night :/

But, thanks to the Lord, I woke up still just under 65kgs, probably like 64.5kgs, but whatever. As long as I'm under, I'm happy. :D

So today I had an up & go for breakfast - 191 calories
a little garlic bread thingy - 160calories
two pieces of toast - probs like 200calories?
total, approximatly: 551, omg. ewewewewew. should be no more then 200 calories in the day.GAGAGAAG
and then going to have dinner.

Also, went for a nice brisk powerwalk this afternoon, for about 15minutes, practised netball for about 20minutes, before my big trial on saturday, and did some skipping for about 10solid mintues.
So, when I jump on the scales tomorrow, I should (all going well) I should have an alright loss.

Rant for a minute - I cannot believe noone has noticed I've lost weight. I've lost 6kgs since returning to ana, that should be pretty fucking noticable. Well, I thought so anyway. Hhaa.
But, I don't care, because everyones going to notice me when I finally get thin. They will see. :)

Still trying to convince Dad to get a cross trainer, would be fucking great. Hours every day.

Thanks to my Lord for his Grace and caring for me. :)

All I have to do, Is get to 52. :Dxoxox

Day 3 & 4 of 20day fast

Right, this has been a really really good weekend.
I was really worried about going to my friend 'S's house yesterday, because they always have sooo much food, and its always hard to say no.
We made brownies, and I got away with only eating 2 small ones. She ate one of those big packets of chips, but i had none. I didn't have anything until dinner, which was sweet as. Then I had two small packets of chips (GAG) and 3cans of coke zero.
But then, we were looking after her baby sister, and went to the pools with her little friends, which was great excersize. I also compolsivly twitched alllll day, whenever i was sitting, which helped a bit i think :L
Then today, we went to the pools with some mates. The main attraction about the pools is the hydro slides. And, lucky for me, the slides are all up the stairs. So I ran up the stairs so many times, along with swimming in the water, so I think I burnt quite a few calories there :D

Then 2 of my mates and I went to Mc Donalds on the way home, and I managed to say no to any food there :) saying i felt sick from the pools. Unfortunatly, one of my best friends "D" noticed that I wasnt eating, and gave me some of her fries. So i managed to get out of the day, with only 3 fries consumed :) win

I was feeling pretty good, so as soon as I got home, I weighed myself. 64kgs.
yesyesyesyesyes. Finally under 65kgs, and I'm never never never going to go back.

Where would I be without the Lord? He gives me so much strength and hope. Lord, I love You. Thanks for watching over me.

So, for my loss, i rewarded myself with some dried banana - yum, and a cadbury favorites dairy milk chocolate, and probably going to have some grapes soon :D. I am so happy that I'm under 65kgs, 3 days before I was aiming to be too. :D Im definatly on track to be under 60kgs by the end of the month.

xoxoxo

Day 2 of 20 day fast to thin :)

Right, fast has gone peeerfectly so far.
Infact, I've probably had less then 200 calories today. Had vanilla latte for breakfast (80 calories) then some raro juice, mostly watered down ( 30ish calories) and some v8 juice (normally 47calories per glass, but had half juice, half water, so only about half that, 23calories)

Not going to eat the rest of the day or tonight, and planning not to eat until 7pm tomorrow.
Problem - going to a mates tomorrow night, 'S'. Not meaning to be rude, but they eat a lot of fatty takeaways, chocolate and lollies.
But, my plan is to say no to anything solid until 7pm. I'm not going to break this for anything.
If, make that when I complete this fast, it will have been 45hours, which is, embarrasingly enough, the biggest fast ive done since returning to ana. I absolutly LOVE fasting, I love the feel of emptiness, and the power you feel when you say 'no'. You know what they say, everytime you say 'no thanks,' you say 'yes please,' to thin.
I just hate the feeling when you feel as though you need to watch your back, because someone is on to you. Really, that only happens in the weekends, when around friends and such. If i haven't said it before, weekends = trouble.

But, I'm going to do this, and I am going to get thin. I heard these girls in my science lesson today, laughing the thinspirational quote "nothing tastes as good as thin feels." I could not stop laughing. Fat bitches. They just don't know how fucking brilliant it feels to wake up and see the number on the scales go down. It is the ultimate high, and feels awesome.

One downside about fasting? The dizzy spells, headaches and stomach cramps. But, that doesn't tempt me to eat, because I know that in the morning, I will have broken through that, and will feel soooo good :D:D:D

Well, I'm off now, might post later tonight though. On Fridays dad does amaazing hamburgers, and the chips are todiefor. So i will be back on here if i get tempted, or even better, look at the blog "dying to be thin" such good thinspiration omgomgogm.

Think thin xoxoxo

Day 1 of the 20 day fast - sweet as

Ok, actually, had half a seaweed cracker and half a lollypop, but other then that, only liquid - infact an up & go, and water.

Also, went for about a 20 minute walk today, and up a maaassssive hill, which is good excersize :D

But, problem. Or is it..?
Turns out, my history teacher got the dates of our trip wrong, and so it turns out that the trip is not in 20days infact, but next month. Still, i am going to continue with this fast, cause I was so excited for it, and fuck knows, I need it ;/
But, the fact that the trip is over a month away, means that I have even longer to loose weight, and will look even BETTER and be even thinner. lets see some ribs :D:D

Well, I'm off to have a cold shower, good way to burn calories, not to mention, it wakes you up! Then gunna do my situps and all, and have a small dinner, to give me energy to fast all tomorrow, and up to saturday night hopefully. :)

Starveoooon.
xoxox

yeeees 20 day fast for 62 begins tomorrrrow :D

New thinspiration!
In exactly 20 days time, I shall be on a history trip for school, where we are going swimming at this random place.
Swimming, means bikini ;)
Also, my ex 'I' will be there, and always enjoy the chance to make him jealous, lets just say, hes a bit of a dick :P
So, in order to make him jealous, I am going to need to be so thin. My aim is to be under 65kgs by this time next week, and then i should be on track to be 62kg when we leave for the trip.
Its a four day trip, which involves swimming and hiking, so that means we get loooads of excersize too, which is great.

I need to do this on, if not before, time. I need to be under 65kgs before i go on that trip. If i go on the trip looking like i do now, everyone will run away and take cover from the beast :/

Ana will never betray me like food does. Ana is what pushes me to strive to be beautiful, therefore making me happy.

Please Lord, please help me do this, please.
Make me hunger for more of you, not food.
"Man does not live by bread alone" - Luke 4:4
I need to be less, to make you more.
I need to be less to be happy.
I don't want to die, that would defeat the purpose. I just want to be thin.

I don't need to eat. Ugly people eat. fat people eat.

Somehow, I need to do this also, without my parents catching on. That would only be disastorus.
So, this is how it's gunna go.

No solid foods all day. Until dinner, which I have to eat 4 nights a week to keep suspicions away.

Breakfast- either: up & go- 191calorie drink
or: vanilla latte- 80calories
Then, only water all day at school, and then if needed, a watered down v8 juice- 47calorie per serve, but probably less if i water it down.

Then, if I cant get out of it, dinner. But no dessert, ever ever ever.
I don't care if this means that I can't go out for the next two weekend. It will be worth it to be thinner. Everythings worth it to be thinner.

"Become like the lamb, by fighting the lion. Nothing else matters."
I need to be thin.

Bring it oon xoxoxox

omg

Why is my brain so fucked up to believe that I should actually be eating? Im such a fat shit and i hate it.
Why do i think that eating is acceptable in the least? I think im just crazy, thats it,

Ana, please help me. I need your guidence and strength to keep my head together and stop myself from binging. Please anaa, help me.

I hate being fat, and i hate being me.

Aaaaah :)

That empty feeling again. man, got to love it :)
Although, I confess that i had 2 hot cross buns and a spinich and feta muffin today so far. But I know that I couldnt have gotten through today at work if I didn't eat anything, as i planned to do.
Dad is thinking of buying a cross trainer. Im so excited, I just have to figure out how to talk his mind into it completly. How perfect would that be? Every moment I was home, and not studying, I could be on it, excersizing. Thats intensly perfect.
So, I have to be reaaaaaaally good, and try and talk him into it 100%.
Wish me luck :D

xoxoxo

Omg

K, so i've been really bad lately. I just lost my inspiration and what was important to me.
I let something I wanted right at that moment, for what I've wanted for as long as i can remember - to be skinny.
Ive been so depressed lately, so I hate ridulous amounts of foods. And then it hit me. The reason i was depressed was because i had been eating.
having a barbecue tonight, then have a hard days work tomorrow, which is good. Going to fast tomorrow, so excited to feel that empty feeling ive missed so much.

Im desperatly lucky that the good Lord has helped me through this, like He always does. Hopefully I haven't put on more then 2kgs in the past couple of days, which I can get off easily, especially once school starts again this week. I'm actually excited for it, simply because its easy to avoid food all day, without questions and aqusatioins. Also, its alot of excersize, which is always a major plus.

Well, everyones arriving now, so i better go. SInce this is with my family, and my close friend "n's" family, their is no way to avoid eating or drinking without being questioned. So i will have to eat tonight, before my fast tomorrow.

Ana, please forgive me, for I have eaten too much the past few days. Please help me through this, and come off better, and thinner on the other side :)

Think Thin xoxoxo

Quick note

I just love the feeling of 'hunger,' after you fasted for awhile, and that high makes you feel so strong, and you feel as though you never ever want to eat ever again. That feeling where you can walk into the kitchen, open the fridge and look at all the food, and know your strong enough to say no.
Yup, thats what I feel right now. I never want this feeling to go awaaay

More Nicole Richie thinspiration :) I think shes amazing. :D

Sometimes, its really good to be a girl.

So, todays been another day of no eating, which is great.
Especially after last night. Had a queche and salad for dinner, which was fine, then had an ice cream and three little chocolates. Yesterdays liquid fast was meant to be the one that got me under 65kgs, but I woke up and weighed myself, 65kgs on the dot. Fuck.
Not that that was much of a suprise.

So, started another liquid fast today, so far only had a coffee, half a hot chocolate and my water.
Convinced everyone at home that I have bad period pains and feel really sick, so got out of eating all day so far, hopefully can get out of dinner tonight too.
I feel like such a fat cow after eating last night. I hate eating, but I can't help myself sometimes. Dammit.

Calorie intake:
Coffee: 80calories <- omgomgomg barely any calories :)
Hot chocolate: about 120calories *gag* I only had about half, so about 60 calories
Water: 0calories *yayayayay*
Coke Zero: 0calories

Total intake: 120 calories. All liquid, but fuck man. That bloddy hot chocolate, even if i only had half, was fucking insane.

Rage at thaaat. Fucksake. I HATE BEING FAT.

If I'm not under 65kgs tomorrow, I'm not going to have ANY calories tomorrow. NONE. Only water and a coke zero if I need caffanation.

Horaay for Thinspiration

If you aren’t thin, you’re ugly.
Being thin is way more important than being healthy.
You must do anything to make yourself look thinner.
You shall not eat without feeling guilty.
You shall not eat fattening foods without punishing yourself accordingly.
You shall always count calories.
The scale is everything.
Losing=Life, Gaining=Death

:/

All I have to say is:
I hate this fucking disease.
If their is anybody reading this;
Try and get out whilst you can.

Wohooooo :)

K so, I finished the 24hour liquid fast, easy aaas. Going to go for abit longer, maybe 4/5 more hours. Simply because I don't trust myself not to binge.
The plan is, that this liquid fast gets me under 65kgs, liquid fast tomorrow too, have an eating day wednesday, fast Thursday and as much of Friday as possible. Before another barbeque/party on Saturday night (fuck!)

And hopefully, as I'm working most of the week, I shall be under 60kgs by Wednesday next week, the start of school. :/

So happy with the way today has gone so far. Only had about 2L of water, half a hot chocolate and a can of coke zero. I had to buy a sandwhich for lunch, to stop people complaining that i never eat, but I resisted that easy as, and will either save it for an eating day, or throw it out.
Stomach is growling, fuckyou stomach, what do you know? Hahahah makes me laaaugh.
Stupid stomach.

I'm off to do some crunches to stop this bloody stomach rumbling, decided to definatly keep this fast going until at least 7. Yay for this empty feeling. I love it.

Thinner's the winner :)

Woke up this morning, about half a kg heavier, which really sucks, but looking at what I binged on yesterday, I was Blessed not to put on more. :)
So, today was meant to be a fasting day. And for much of the day, it was.
However, like I said in a previous post, weekends suck.
Went to a friends house for a barbeque today. Bless their hearts, honestly. Possibly the nicest people ever. As it turns out, also incredibly good cooks. I spent most of my time socialising and unfortunatly eating too much food*gag*

But, a 24 hour fast is on the cards for tonight/tomorrow. And I'm so excited to feel that empty feeling again. I can't waaaait man. If anyones reading this, you keen to join me in this fast?
I truly cannot wait :D
And i have work tomorrow, which means lots of excersize and easy ways to say 'no' to food. Faaaaantastic :D

Well, I'm off to have a shower and do some situps, say my Prayers and go to bed.
-Wishing anyone joining me in this fast, the very best of luck :)
Night all xoxoxo

ultimate thinspiration :)

Nicole Richie - the ultimate thinspiration man. She made an astounding transformation, and i think she is absolutly beautiful!

Think thin :D xoxox

Right then.

Fuck this. After a week of being plateaued at 65kgs, I go and binge like a motherfucker yesterday, and put on two more kg's. Great. So much for being plateaued. :/ Hmph.

So, time to get my a into g again, and stop binging and then feeling so terrible about it.
Starting a fast tonight from 9pm, just a little one this time, to try and get those 2kgs off again, and then we'll see where to go from there I guess.

Man, I hate weekends sosososo much man. When your out with friends, its so much harder to control yourself and resist eating, whilst keeping up your appearence of being healthy.
I'll be so glad when Monday rolls in again, and I'm back at work, with little food temptations, and a shit load of excersize. And then school, which is kinda the same thing. :)

I can't tell what I'm looking for in even posting this blog. I have no idea.
All I know is, that I only seem to be happy when that damn number on the scales is going down.

Is anybody actually reading this? If you are, please leave me a comment or something :/ it always makes it easier knowing you are not alone....
xoxoxo