fuck

are people actually trying to ruin my life with food? OMG i hate it. Im going to drown in a puddle of fucking food one day.
Had pasta salad today, then dinner, then dad made me have an icecream (282 calories)
Funny thing is, I wouldn't have eaten the pasta salad or the icecream if it was fucking up to me. RAGE

ok, so i know this is only because people care about me, and worry that im not eating, but really, to be happy, i actually have to not eat, and loose weight every morning, otherwise the fucking world falls apart :/ aaaaaarh.

and tomorrow, im going to wake up with a big fucking gain, probably actually back over 65kgs, just because people won't let me live my own life. Honestly. I just want to be thin, I don't want to die. If I wanted to die, then I would simply kill myself a quicker way. I just want to be thin and happy. But people keen forcing food down my throat, which just makes everything so much worse. OMG i hate food.
my mind is so fucked up isn't it? hahaha i cant stop swearing, and this disease is just taking over completly. Every second of the day im just wondering what i can do to loose more calories, and how to convince people that i really am eating.
To be honest, this sucks. It sucks waking up every morning hating every inch of myself because I haven't lost enough weight. It sucks having to lie to your loved ones, because you simply cannot bear to put the food in your mouth. I wish i wasn't so f*cking fat. Honestly.
I hate this. And i have to wake up another morning with a gain. Probably over 65kgs. And, even though i can see it coming, i know its going to break me.
I hate this.

Please Lord, make some sort of abstract miracle happen, where i don't put on any weight tomorrow. I promise I will try harder to talk my way out of food, I promise to try harder, and do this for You Lord. I need to be less, so that I can make You more Lord. Pleasepleaseplease, don't make me have gained tomorrow. I won't be able to handle it if I have. If i gain, everything else will fall apart. Lord I can;t do this without you. Please help me? I love You with all of my heart.