I guess I should be happy.

But somehow, I'm just now.
It could be the depression coming over me again. Fuck depression.
I should be happy, because I haven't had anything to eat since 7:30am thursay, (it is now 9:47pm Saturday) and for thursday and friday, i only had water, today, I had water and a moccachino (80calories.) And so tomorrow, at 7:30am, i will have done another 3 day fast, one that I didn't even plan on doing. I was to depressed to eat, so I made up every lie in the book + more so that I could't. I even went to the movies tonight with 2 of my goodfriends. They both brought takeaways for the movies, and offered me some, but i didn't have anything. Not even one liquid calorie passed my lips since like, 11am. Yet, somehow, I'm still not even happy.
Maybe it has something to do with the fact that I was dropped home from the movies first, and now I don't know what my 2 friends (1 girl 1 guy) are doing. For all I know they could be cruising around having fun without me. Its so obvious that shes crazy about him. And I think he kindof feels the same way. Little do either of them know, I like him too. Thats why I think I'm so upset. I feel like such a bitch for liking the same guy as my best friend, but I can't help it.
Ana has f*cked up my brain soo much. I no longer feel happy. I no longer feel complete. Im constantly tired and depressed, from the lack of calories ive consumed, but if I eat i will hate myself even more.
And my weight has even stopped going down, despite a comment i got tonight "you've lost so much weight" normally that would cheer me up radically, but no. Im so fucking useless, and Ive been stuck at 60kgs for about a week now. I have no right to call myself ana. Ana doesn't want me- ana doesn't need me. I hate this and I hate my life sometimes. Truley.
If youd known all the shit that Ive been through in my life, maybe you'd understand why I need ana. But thats just the thing. No one knows, no one understand, and no one cares. No one knows how long ive been depressed for. No one even knows about my antidepressents, my self harm, my f*cked up child hood. Let alone, nobody knows about ana. And sometimes it seems like noone even cares, Everyones stuck up in the teenage dramas. But this is so much more then that. It always has been, and it probably always will be. And I hate it. I push away the people I care about the most, simply because Im so afraid that they'll hurt me. Thats why I binge eat so much. Because Its pushing away ana. But, if I keep pushing everybody away, there will be a time when noone will come back. And I know that, I just don't know how to stop it.

Maybe one day, I'll have the courage to tell people whats been going on.
Maybe one day, they'll understand.
Maybe one day, I'll understand.
Maybe one day, it will all be ok.
But not today, not tonight.
Nothing is ok, nothing is right.
Will somebody take my hand, and stand by my side?
Before I slip away... forever...

Please Lord. Please help me. I need you now, so, so much.
Please help me stay in control of the one thing causing me all this pain - ana.
Please help me loose weight, in order to keep ana happy. In order to keep me happy.
Please. I need your help Lord, I can't do this alone.
I always need you Lord. I always did.
Please never forget that. I love you so much Lord.
You are what matters in life. I've been blinded for so long, by all the small things. But Your what i need. You and ana. I need You. I love You.